Russell Peters: Almost Famous Page #2

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has dreams that are ridiculous.

That.. That your dream at 14

should never be logical.

It should be the dumbest sh*t

you're doing at 14.

I'll tell you what my dream was.

It wasn't to be a comedian.

I didn't even know this job existed.

My dream.. It'll make you feel better

about whatever your dream was.

Here's what I thought I was gonna do

for the rest of my life.

I thought.. Heh. I..

I wanted to be a dancer.

All right. First of all, f*** you.

All right?

Second of all, not a stripper. I was..

I was a break dancer, and I was like,

"Yo, I'm gonna do this sh*t forever."

Not a realistic goal, though.

What was your dream when you were 14,

growing up on the mean streets

of Mississauga, Sandeep?

Now, be honest. Don't make no bullshit up.

-A musician.

-Huh? A musician.

-Did you play any instruments?

-Yes.

Well, good. That's a good start.

I always..

I always have Indian guys yell out sh*t

that they never did.

"I wanted to be in the NBA."

"Did you play basketball?" "Not once.

I just love giant black men."

You know, just..

What instrument did you play?

-Guitar.

-You good?

-Pretty good.

-You still throw down on it?

-Pretty well. Yeah.

Yeah. So, you wanted to be a musician.

I know what happened.

Tell me if I'm right.

You're about 17, 18 years old.

You're sitting in your room,

playing with your...

"guitar."

And...

you were thinking,

"I'm gonna be a musician."

Your mom walked in and went, "Sandoo..."

That's all you need for a nickname.

All you need is add two O's

to whatever you want the nickname to be.

Sandoo. Like.. Like Edward, Edwoo.

Well, that could be your name, Edwoo.

Sorry, that..

That didn't work,

'cause he might very well be an Ed Woo.

Your mom walked in:

"Sandoo...

you're going to college.

Why don't you become a doctor?"

And you were like,

"What's wrong with your face?"

"If you become a doctor, you can fix it."

So, you put your guitar

down and picked up a stethoscope,

and it was all over after that.

That's why I could never go to you.

I don't want my doctor to have had

other dreams about being something else.

My doctor in America

is gonna be a black guy from the 'hood

who grew up with every disadvantage.

Real 'hood.

Like in the "'hood" 'hood.

Where the..

Where people were like, "Yo, coz,

let's go kill some motherfuckers today."

I want my doctor to be the guy

that says, "No, man.

I'm gonna be a doctor."

And everybody in the 'hood was like,

"Ain't nobody f*** with Daverel,

he gonna be a doctor and sh*t."

That's how I know I got the right doctor,

'cause he'll say "and sh*t"

at the end of sentences.

Look pissed off when I walk

into the office. That's the doctor I want.

"Hi, Mr. Peters.

Seems your nasal passage is inflamed

and sh*t.

You fill out

this little b*tch-ass prescription.

Holler at me tomorrow, motherf***er."

That's the right doctor for me.

I don't want my doctor to be some bratty

Indian kid who grew up in Mississauga.

When he's doing an operation,

he just goes, "F*** this sh*t.

I wanna play guitar."

Then the black guy has to run in,

"Don't worry, dog. I got this.

It's gonna hurt and sh*t."

I never had to worry

about doing anything great with my life.

I didn't. I didn't have that pressure.

I didn't have that Indian pressure

that a lot of Indian kids have.

"Do something great."

My parents knew I was an idiot.

From a very young age,

my parents were like, "Oh, man."

I was a terrible student. I hated school.

I never had to work, my parents..

My parents never had careers.

They never had professions.

They just had jobs.

There are no professionals

in my family on either side.

Just a bunch of dummies.

You know what I mean?

But regular hard-working people.

Just regular jobs.

My mom worked in Kmart.

Not.. Not in head office, in the store.

My dad worked.. I never really understood.

You ask my dad what he did.

"What do you do?" "I work."

"Where?" "At my job."

"What do you do?" "Job-related work."

I never understood what my dad did.

I was five, my dad was going to work,

I stopped him and I go:

"Dad, where are you going?"

He goes, "Work."

I go, "What do you do?"

"I work at a chicken plant."

And then he left.

You can't tell a five-year-old

that you work at a chicken plant

and then walk out of the house.

I'm five years old. I can't comprehend

what a chicken plant is.

I know what I chicken is,

and I know what a plant is.

For the next 7 years, I told people

that my dad planted chickens.

It wasn't till I was 12, I was like,

"Dad.." He was going to work,

I go, "Dad, what exactly do you do?"

He goes:

"I check to see if the chickens

are good or not."

And then he left.

And I still didn't know what that meant.

I literally picture my dad

standing around, going, "Good chicken.

Good chicken.

Stop the line. Bad chicken."

I don't know what he did

to the bad chicken.

"I wanna talk to you for a minute.

Come here. Come here.

Listen, you need

to get your sh*t together. Okay?

Start clucking like the rest of them.

Don't be such a cock."

Never had to worry about school.

I mean, I did, because I was in it.

But.. But my parents gave up.

They gave up early.

They knew..

They would literally beg me.

They'll be like,

"Son, please, just try and get 50.

It's a pass. Just get 50."

I'm not bragging, and..

Nor am I glorifying this. But..

Um, this is an actual mark I got

in grade nine typing.

Typing. All right?

It was 1984. Don't judge me.

There were no computers yet.

It was actual typewriters.

Um, my typing..

My final mark was 13 percent.

Even my dad was like, "Son...

Son, you've hit a new low.

Do you realize you get 25 percent

just for signing your name correctly?

What f***ing name did you put?!"

They gave up when I was a teenager.

They did.

My only rule when

I'd leave the house was..

I'm like, "Dad, I'm going to the mall."

"Okay. Son, oh, don't die."

That was it. That was their only rule.

"Don't die. We've already failed enough.

We don't need the ultimate failure.

Well, don't die while I'm alive.

After I die,

die as many times as you want.

But... while I'm here, don't die."

Never had to worry

about a career or a job.

Well, a job, yes, just not a profession.

When I was 16, my dad comes to me

and goes:

"Son, one day,

you won't be in school anymore."

And I was like, "I'm gonna graduate?"

"No, son.

Focus, son. Focus. Focus. Come on.

That's never going to happen. Okay?

When you're not in school,

you're going to need to get a job."

I was like, "Of course, I'm going

to get a job. I'm not a freeloader.

And if you know anybody hiring,

let me know."

He goes, "Well, the airport is hiring."

Here's how dumb I was.

My dad said the airport was hiring

and I was like, "Oh, my God.

My dad wants me to be a pilot."

I was like, "You want me to be a pilot?"

"Oh, my God. Son, no. Oh, my God, no.

Oh, my God. Oh, Mylanta.

No, no, no. Oh, my God.

Son, you are far too stupid for that job.

People's lives are at stake."

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