Russell Peters: Almost Famous Page #3

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"What the hell am I gonna do

at the airport?"

My dad goes, "Baggage handler."

"What the hell is a baggage handler?"

My dad sells the sh*t out of it to me.

"A baggage handler?

Son, let me tell you something, okay?

These people are an integral part

of millions of people's travel plans

throughout the year."

I was like, "Damn.

Well, what does their job entail?"

"Basically, baggage handler's job is,

you take the baggage

and you put it on the plane."

"What do I do?"

"You take the baggage

and you put it on the plane."

"I 'putted' on the plane?"

"You put it on the plane."

"I 'putted'?"

"You put it."

"Like... 'put'?"

"Like 'put.'"

"Like:
"

"Don't be stupid. Okay?

That's 'putting.'

Focus, son. Focus. Focus."

I said, "Dad, I wanna be a break-dancer."

"Son, son, you can dance on your break."

Anything Indian people can do, I can't.

I'm impressed

whenever you do something intelligent.

Like computers. I'm sh*t on a computer.

Are you good on a computer, Edward?

You're Chinese.

You'd better be good on a computer.

You're making them all day.

The least you can do is be good on them.

Do you work with a computer for a living?

Yeah. So, you.. Yeah.

-What do you prefer, a PC or a Mac?

-I prefer a PC.

PC. Yeah. That's how you know

you're good on a computer.

People don't believe

I'm not good on a computer.

"You're Indian. You're supposed

to be good on a computer."

An Indian guy saying

he's not good on a computer

is like a black guy going,

"I ain't got no rhythm."

PC, that's the.. That's the showoff.

You know that's the.. "I know how to get

on a computer and avoid diseases."

I use a Mac,

because Macs are stupid-people friendly.

I am a stupid people.

The real reason I use a Mac is 'cause I go

to a lot of questionable websites.

But what I'm trying to tell you is...

if you're gonna surf porn,

surf porn on a Mac.

Surfing porn on a Mac

is like having sex with a condom on.

You're like, "I don't care what she has.

I'm not gonna get anything."

Surfing porn on a PC

is like raw-dogging a hooker, you know?

You're just, "Oh, my God!

It feels good, but I'm scared.

I'm so scared!

Oh, my God! It burns when I download."

You know, the worst day in my life

is when I have a problem with my laptop

and I have to call the 1-800 number

on the back of it.

I don't care they've outsourced the call

to India. That makes me happy.

The part that bothers me is that

that guy in India knows who I am.

"I'm having a problem with my laptop."

"Okay, sir. And your good name?"

"Sorry?"

"Your good name."

"My good name?

What is that? My password?

You want my password?"

"No, sir.Your good name.

Your good name?"

"What the f*** is my good name?"

"Your surname, family name?"

"Oh. Why didn't you say so? Peters."

"Okay. And your first name?"

"What's that?"

"Your first name."

"I don't have a forest name.

Enchanted?

If I was in the forest,

my name would be 'Lost.'

What are you asking me now?"

"No, sir. Your first name?"

"What the f*** is my forest name?

What is that?

Slow it down, buddy."

"First name."

"That's the same f***ing thing!"

"Sir, the name you use on a daily basis."

"Oh, heh, sorry, man. Russell."

"Okay.

No way!

Is it really you?"

I'm all proud.

I'm like, "Yes, it is."

He goes,

"Well, well, well.

All those jokes you made, huh?

Now who needs help, huh?

Okay, bastard.

Here's what we're going to do.

I'm going to mirror your computer."

"What?"

"Mirror your computer."

"Mirror my computer?

What does that mean?"

"I'm going to gain

full access to your laptop remotely."

"Really? How do you..?"

Then I see the mouse

moving around on my screen.

"What the hell happened?"

"I have gained full access to your laptop.

Let's go through your history."

"Let's not go through

my history. How about that? Let's..."

"Well, well, well. Heh. Lusty grandmas."

"It was a pop-up."

"I'm sure they popped up just fine, huh?

Seems to pop-up three, four times a day."

How you doing, sir?

You good? What's your name?

-Vince.

-Vince.

-Italian?

-Yep.

I could tell by the way you said "Vince."

"Hey, Vince. Always got to sound

like I'm doing some illegal sh*t."

I love talking to Italian guys.

They f*** the air

when you talk to them. Ever see that?

"Bro, where you been?"

"I'm on the 400. I'm going north."

"Not the 400. 401.

You don't need to go this way.

You need to go that way."

Is that your lovely wife?

Hi, lovely wife. How are you?

-How long you guys been together?

-Twenty-one years.

Twenty-one years. That's great.

That's good.

Kids? Not you two.

I mean, do you have kids?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-One girl.

-One girl. How old?

-Thirteen.

-Thirteen. Nice. You waited. That's nice.

Thought you'd enjoy each other

for a few years, and then:

Send one home. You know?

She bent over in the kitchen, and you were

on the phone giving directions.

"Vince, I just need to get this pot."

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, my God! I'm pregnant."

One girl. That's all you wanted, right?

One kid? You..

I got one. I got a daughter, as well.

I like her. She's, um..

One's all you need. I'm not..

I don't want more than one kid.

I'm not f***ing collecting them.

You know what I mean?

They're not going up in value, you know?

So, one and done for me.

I think the real reason, like,

I never wanted more kids is because...

I know me, and I know what an idiot I am.

And I'm one of those people

who gets dazzled by new things.

So, I don't want my daughter to be,

like, the object of everything in my life,

then a new kid comes along,

"Beat it, kid. Look at this one."

She's like, "I thought you loved me?"

"I do. Look at this new one.

It's so much better."

I know what an idiot I am. So,

this is just gonna be the one and done.

-You spoil her?

-Yeah.

Oh, yeah. How old are you, Vince?

-Forty-six.

-Forty-six. We're the same age.

You know what I mean?

"Yeah. No problem. Forty-six."

And you had immigrant parents, Vince?

Yeah.

From Italy?

Yeah. You know what I'm talking about.

Immigrant parents, they don't play.

Immigrant parents

don't give you idle threats.

If they tell you to do something,

they f***ing mean do that.

There's no negotiating.

You don't talk back to your parents.

You're Italian. You'd get a schiaffo

right on your head. Right?

Let me tell you what happened.

My daughter was in her bedroom,

laying on her bed,

and I.. And I burst into her room, right?

First, she's five.

She's not gonna be doing anything weird.

Uh...

Second of all, it's my house,

I'll burst into whatever room I want.

So, I.. My daughter's lying on her bed

with her iPad watching Frozen.

You know? As children do.

And so, I burst in and I'm like, "Baby!"

And I guess it startled her, but

she didn't react like a 5-year-old. Aah!

She reacted like a woman.

She got angry.

Not like a little kid.

She became a woman instantly.

And then I was like, "Baby!"

And she went..

Shh!

Without using any words,

my daughter went, "Motherf***er!

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