Russell Peters: Almost Famous Page #4

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Do you not see what I'm doing?!"

And if your kid ever calls you

a motherf***er, you can't get mad.

Because, yeah.

You are, Vince.

If you weren't a motherf***er,

they wouldn't be here.

If there's any kids in here, I want you

to try calling your dad a motherf***er.

Um, you look young, buddy. So, try it.

But you can't do it when you're angry.

You gotta do it when everything's calm,

you know?

Like, you can be at the dinner table.

"Ma, this pot roast is fantastic.

Hey, motherf***er, can you pass the peas?"

"Sure. What the.. What happened?"

But she got so mad,

and just immediately was just..

Shh!

And I just thought it was hilarious.

I started laughing immediately.

Now, I don't know

if that's because I'm a comedian.

Or if I'm just a sh*t parent.

But my little daughter went: Shh!

And I thought it was the funniest thing

in the world.

And the more I laughed,

the angrier she got,

like a real woman.

And the angrier she got,

the more I laughed.

Until it was just like, "Daddy! Stop it!"

And I'm like, "I can't!"

And then I thought about it.

I can't picture.. I can't even imagine

one single time in my life,

let alone at 5, that I could have ever

said, "shh," to my parents.

Sitting in the living room, watching TV,

and my dad walks in, "Russell."

Shh.

"You don't shush me!

I'll throw that TV at you!"

This was 1975

when TVs weighed 1800 pounds,

when it was more than just a TV.

It was a TV, it was a speaker system,

it was a shelving unit.

It had a turntable on the top

with a cassette deck

and an 8-track player.

It had a shitty doily

that ran across the top.

It had a vase with plastic flowers

in it for no reason.

Remember the plastic flowers?

They were huge in the Indian world.

Indian community. "Plastic? Wait, wait.

So, we just buy the one flower, one time,

and you don't have to replenish it.

Genius.

Absolute genius."

Remember those plastic flowers

that were like this long,

and they were on a wire, plastic?

My dad was so cheap, he bought one,

he bought a vase that was only this big,

so we had to bend the wire.

So, now, you have, like, half a flower

and half a wire sticking out.

And nobody ever dusted them

or cleaned them,

so they were never the color they were.

People would walk by, ooh..

"Oh, red. Nice. Nice."

Think about how angry your parents were

all the time. They were mad.

Always. I don't know why they were so mad.

They weren't mad at you. Just mad.

Our parents had no problem

disappointing us, did they?

I'll do whatever it takes

to not disappoint my daughter.

If I tell them I'm gonna do something,

I'll do that plus something else.

You know, because we're idiots.

Because we grew up wanting things.

I never had more than I needed.

I never did without.

I mean, but I never had extra sh*t.

Like, I would get the one pair of shoes

every year in September for school,

and it was like, "Son,

you're getting one new pair of sneakers."

I'm like, "Yes."

"Let's go see what BiWay has.

I have a coupon.

I, too, am getting a pair."

I would get one toy a year. One toy.

On my birthday. It was..

It was such a bullshit deal, though.

My birthday would come, my dad would be

like, "Let's go to the toy store."

And we'd go to the toy store, and my dad

would be like, "You can have anything

in this bucket right here."

"Everything's broken in that.

This gun is in two pieces."

"Why don't you look at it as two guns?

The glass is half full."

So, when you grow up like that,

when you want things,

and you get a little money, you do it.

I got a little bit of money.

I start buying everything I wanted,

then I spoil my daughter.

I buy her sh*t she doesn't know she wants.

I buy it 'cause I would have wanted it.

Not wanting to disappoint your child

can backfire on you.

Let me tell you what happened.

Couple years ago, I moved

into this new house. I was building..

Not building.. I had a really nice bedroom

for my daughter.

I do have. Not had.

I didn't lose the sh*t. I, uh..

And I wanted to get a really cool bed.

And I was like, "Baby,

I wanna get you a really fun bed."

And she's like, "I want a fun bed."

She was three at the time.

And then I go, "Come on.

Come here. Sit with me.

And we'll look at beds online."

She goes, "Okay."

So, I pull up my laptop,

and I go to Google.

I put safe search on

'cause I'm not an idiot.

You know, I don't need d*cks flying up

when I'm trying to look at stuff.

Put safe search on, and then I type in

"cool beds for little girls."

And all these cool beds showed up online.

It was like.. This sh*t I'd never..

I didn't even dream about seeing.

And then.. And she goes,

"Daddy, I want a castle bed."

And I'm like, "I want a castle bed, too.

I mean, for you."

So, we find this castle bed. It's amazing.

It's a queen-sized bed on the bottom.

Full queen-sized bed.

And then, it's got stairs

that lead upstairs to a double bed.

And it has a steeple like a castle.

And then it has a slide

that comes around the other side.

My daughter's like, "I want that one!"

And I go,

"I want you to have that one, too."

And we're high-fiving.

Yay! Yay!

"Is it gonna be here tomorrow?"

"Wait, let me first buy it."

So, I'm like "add to cart." Yes.

Check out. Yes.

And she's like, "Will it be here?"

"Hold on. Let me just hit 'purchase.'"

Purchase. $10,000.

And I'm like, "F*** me!"

And my daughter's like, "What?"

"No, no, no!"

And I had to buy it,

she was sitting right there.

And I got her all excited about it.

I bought a $10,000 bed for a 3-year-old.

And this little b*tch

hasn't slept in it once!

Two f***ing years,

and she hasn't slept in the goddamn bed!

She has a queen-sized bed...

from the age of 3.

I never had a queen-sized bed

till I was 30.

And that was because that's when

I moved out of my parents' house.

I know.. You guys go, "Thirty?" I'm like,

"For an Indian guy, that's pretty young."

I was.. I was 30 when I moved out and..

My brother was 36. He was..

He goes, "Where are you going?"

"Moving out." "I better go with you.

I don't wanna look like a loser."

"It's too late. You're 36. It's.."

-You have kids, sir?

-Yes.

-How many?

-Two.

Two. Are those them?

-Those your kids? Are they..?

-No.

No? Okay. I just..

I saw two more white people.

I figured they might be yours.

-What do you have?

-A daughter and a son.

A daughter and son.

Who's older, daughter or son?

-Daughter.

-Daughter. Which one do you like better?

Both? Wait. Wait.

Listen to the question, sir.

What's your name?

-Greg.

-Okay, Greg.

When I ask

which one do you like better,

I'm not asking you

which one you love more.

I don't think you love either of them

more than the other. Correct?

-Yes.

-You love them both equally.

You don't want anything bad to happen

to either of them,

but you like one better.

It's.. It's human nature, Greg.

Listen, liking one of your children

more than the other

is literally the difference

between running and walking.

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