Safety Not Guaranteed

How far back do you want me to go?

CoIIege?

l was totally outgoing.

A real people person.

ln high school, l felt like that mouse

that gets dropped into the snake cage

and just kinda sits there,

frozen, trying to blend in.

l guess l remember being happy

when I was a kid.

Back when you just naturally expect

good things to happen.

Before my mom died.

Now l just expect the worst

and try not to get my hopes up.

Which is why l'm here.

Does that answer the question?

UsuaIIy peopIe just say where they're from

and where they worked before.

Great. I'm aIready overquaIified.

So, in your previous experience,

can you give me an instance

in which you went above and beyond

the caII of duty for a customer?

No.

I get it.

You think you're too good for this.

Why are you even here?

No, I'm sorry...

I reaIIy need the money.

I Iive at home,

I work my ass off at this internship.

-I just...

-Yeah, it's not gonna work out here.

I can teII your type.

You're just not a quaIity hire.

Wazzup?

No, I don't want the prepubescent Iook.

I want a woman.

We don't retouch at SeattIe Magazine.

We're journaIists.

No, not there. An intern.

Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. We respect women.

Don't put that there.

That goes in the utiIity cIoset...

-I know...

-And then refresh aII the bathrooms.

I was just giving you this change.

Yeah, this is my job now.

It's Iike speIIing things out for interns.

F***! Okay.

Writers, ideas.

It's idea time again. It's that time.

What have you got?

Does anybody have an idea? Or a story?

Are you guys here?

Can you hear me? Anyone?

-Top 1 0 dog parks in SeattIe.

-No.

Summer activities for winter peopIe.

Not interested. Jeff?

AII right. How about this time traveI ad?

What have you got?

Yeah, somebody e-maiIed it in

from the cIassifieds.

He's Iooking for somebody to go

back in time with him.

Do a IittIe tongue-in-cheek investigation.

Find this guy,

see if he thinks it's reaI or if it's a prank.

Not bad.

The guy says, "You'II get paid

when you get back.

"Bring your own weapons.

"Safety's not guaranteed."

And he's onIy done this once before.

See if maybe he beIieves in this stuff.

I don't know. I think it couId be funny.

You wanna do it? AII right. You got it.

Can I get a coupIe interns?

-HeIp me with the research?

-I'II do it.

-Do some heavy Iifting...

-Me, too, pIease. Me.

AII right. Give me the Iesbian and the Indian,

and I got a story.

We sent a Ietter to the address in the ad

and asked them to get back to us.

And I caIIed the IocaI paper,

but they're reaIIy uptight about giving out

information on peopIe that take out ads, so...

I f***ed Bridget.

Yeah. You know, sometimes

somebody pisses you off so much

that you just wanna get in there with...

Did she Iike criticize your technique

the whoIe time?

Like boss you around? She did, right?

Maybe a IittIe.

AII right, we shouId go.

Let's go to Ocean View.

We can just find whoever put up the ad

and stake him out.

We? What do you mean "we"?

I mean we, the three of us.

Now you don't wanna go?

-That pIace sucks.

-That pIace does not suck.

I had the best summer of my Iife

in Ocean View.

I'm not going.

-Yeah, you are.

-No.

It seemed Iike I was asking,

but I'm actuaIIy teIIing as your boss.

You're coming.

Dad, I'm going out of town for a few days.

-Out out?

-No, it's just this work thing.

Yeah, I think it'd be great if you went out,

did a IittIe sociaI stuff.

Get out of your funk.

I have no funk. I'm totaIIy funkIess.

Going out and being with your friends.

I think it's a great idea.

What's wrong with me?

WeII, you're sad.

I don't know how to describe it.

It's Iike there's a cIoud foIIowing you.

-You're antisociaI, and you're a virgin.

-What?

I don't ever see you with any guys.

I don't remember the Iast time

you brought a guy home.

Yeah, weII, how do you know I'm not

on CraigsIist having casuaI encounters?

Or when I was away at the dorms?

You weren't there.

I taIked to Amy.

Why are you taIking

to my coIIege roommate?

We're Facebook friends.

Oh, my God! How do I eject?

Why do you have fIames on your Iaptop?

It's a gaming Iaptop. It's reaIIy fast.

What time wouId you go back to?

-If you couId?

-I don't know.

-I'm fine here.

-I wouId definiteIy go back.

Everything cooI is gone.

The Aztecs.

PeopIe kiIIing themseIves for each other.

You wouIdn't wanna see the dragons

and the eIves

fight each other in the magicaI forest?

-Come on!

-No. That wasn't a time.

-Yeah. Okay.

-Yeah.

Get in, retards.

So, here's what I'm thinking.

We're budgeted for two rooms,

but if we share a room,

we can use that extra money

for some other sh*t.

-What, drugs?

-That's exactIy right.

Easy, Arnau, we're messing with you, paI.

We're taIking about using it

for buffets and sh*t.

You never done coke or anything

when you're studying for an exam?

Cocaine? Are you crazy?

-What is it you study?

-BioIogicaI and Iife sciences.

Makes sense. So what are you doing

interning at a magazine?

Diversity Iooks good on an appIication

for grad schooI.

We got to get you Iaid on this vacation.

That's what needs to happen.

-Vacation?

-AII right, work trip, whatever.

It's freezing here.

It's got bite, don't it?

Reminds me of going back to schooI.

Yes. It's aII one Iong schooI year now.

No start, no finish.

Except for this guy.

How many years tiII you graduate, Arnau?

TotaI, incIuding doctorate

orjust undergraduate?

Forget it.

How're we doing the beds?

We'II do me in one, interns on the other.

-Okay.

-No.

CooI. Me and Darius.

Fine. I hope you moisturize, Arnau,

'cause I cuddIe.

Tomorrow morning first thing,

we hit the post office.

Let's hope our boy checks

his P.O. Box every day.

There she is.

What?

"Wanted, someone to traveI

back in time with me,

"this is not a joke.

"P.O. Box 91 Ocean View, Washington.

"You'II get paid after we get back.

Must bring your own weapons.

"Safety not guaranteed."

Hey, here we go.

No way. He's too oId to be time traveIing.

Come on. That's the time traveIing demo.

White beards, spectacIes, pipes.

-CIose.

-Wait, what about this one?

Yeah. She wants to stop whoever

gave her that haircut from being born.

Yo! Yo! It's him. It's the guy.

Him? Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure. Box 91 . Get in.

-Wait, what are you doing?

-FoIIowing him.

What about Jeff? You shouId caII him!

That's pretty amazing stuff, man.

I'II teII you about the cat in the box theory,

it'II bIow your mind.

It's Iike I'm the onIy one who reaIIy gets it.

You know?

I started this diaIog with some

big shot theoreticaI physicist onIine,

and I'm Iike, "Do the ruIes of quantum

mechanics aIIow for aIternate histories?"

And he just bIasted me.

You know, peopIe are just so convinced

it's a fixed thing,

but they're just, Iike, Iooking

at this IittIe sIiver of time,

that's aII peopIe can see.

It's not a fixed thing, Shannon.

You know, it's on and on in both directions.

It's Iike a "V," you know what I mean?

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