Safety Not Guaranteed Page #2

I gotta do a bathroom check, brother.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

I'd Iike to fiII out a comment card

on one of your employees, Kenneth.

What's his Iast name?

Sorry, ma'am, he's a IittIe...

No, no, it's a positive comment.

It's Iike compIimenting him.

Good. Kenneth CaIIoway.

CaIIoway.

Thanks.

Hit the thing that says I have a new message.

"Liz confirmed you on Facebook."

Here. No photos, that's a drag.

Okay, good. She stiII Iives here.

She Iives in this town.

Who is Liz McHoIIis?

She was a girI I had a fIing with

when my famiIy used to come here

over the summers.

She was this reaIIy smokin' hot bIond.

She was my first bIowjob.

If there's one girI

that I stiII think about, honestIy.

Here she is. Look at you, you went aII rogue.

What did you get?

-Got his name, where he works.

-Great.

What did you guys get?

She accepted, but no photo,

so I'm not reaIIy sure.

What?

He came here to hook up

with an oId high schooI girIfriend.

SeriousIy? That's what you've been doing?

WeII, I've been doing other stuff too, but

maybe this wiII change your attitude

a IittIe bit.

That's her when she was 1 8,

I used to see her naked.

So?

So I'm coming back

to try to see her naked again.

I'd be weirded out if some guy tried

to track me down after 20 years.

I'd be weirded out too

if some guy tried to track you down.

-Why?

-Who wouId do that?

Tomorrow morning, I'II go in.

You know, go undercover,

pretend to answer his ad

and get the scoop on this yo-yo.

-991 MaIIory. This is definiteIy it.

-What a piece of sh*t.

AII right, I'm goin' in.

-How do I Iook, Arnau? Good.

-Good.

-Can I go in?

-No, you did good Iast night,

but I'm gonna handIe this.

I don't wanna overwheIm the guy.

AII right? Wish me Iuck.

So...

Do you go out a Iot back home,

Iike cIubs and stuff?

Not reaIIy.

You know those reaIIy tight Ieggings

that girIs wear,

do you ever wear those?

No.

I think you wouId Iook nice in them.

HeIIo?

Kenneth?

Kenneth? Kenneth CaIIoway, right?

Is that right?

My name is Jeff.

Look, I saw your ad in the cIassifieds.

I wanna know if you need a partner.

-What's your mission?

-What do you mean what's my mission?

What's your reason for going back?

WeII, who wouIdn't want to go back?

It's an amazing opportunity.

To go back in time, you know?

See gIadiators and watch dinosaurs

with my own eyes.

Have sex with a piIgrim.

Fun stuff, that's aII I want.

I wanna go back. It's neat.

Who wouIdn't want to go back, Kenneth?

You wanna go back.

Why do you wanna go back?

WeII, do you need a partner?

-Can you Iook fear and danger in the eye?

-That's an odd question.

Have you ever stared

fear and danger in the eye

and said, "Yes"?

-Sure.

-Get off my porch.

Let's start over. Come on, we couId be paIs.

Let's go back in time.

Man, that smiIe...

What is that smiIe?

-You don't know pain.

-I don't know pain?

-You don't know regret.

-Yeah. AII right.

-You don't know...

-Okay.

WeII, it was reaIIy nice to meet you.

That's what I thought.

So, what'd he say?

WeII, he's the reaI deaI. That ad is no prank.

He's not Iike retarded,

but there's something wrong with this guy.

DefiniteIy didn't Iike my ass, I'II teII you that.

-So, what, that's it?

-Oh, no, this just got good.

What makes you think

he won't sIam the door in my face, too?

'Cause you gotta be sincere

and charm him, okay?

He's used to asshoIes Iike me

coming and making fun of him.

AIso probabIy none of the other peopIe

were beautifuI girIs.

-Easy, Arnau.

-What?

But he's right. Use that, too.

There's something off about this guy, okay?

So you gotta go sIow,

Iike you're trapping a skittish animaI.

You know, Iure him, pIay coy.

GirIs know how to do that sh*t.

You're dangIing my vagina

out there Iike bait?

What if this guy's a murderer?

What if he cuts me up into IittIe pieces

and eats me?

Then the story's even better.

Do you seII guns here?

-What kind of guns?

-I don't know.

Something sexy and affordabIe

with kiIIing power.

You shouId try C&R Guns in WiIkins.

The state of Washington does not aIIow

the saIe of firearms in the business premises

of a grocer.

What about those thingies

with the spiky baII

at the end of the chain things?

You know, with the... Do you have those?

What exactIy is the intended use?

Is there a pest probIem, or hunting?

WeII, if your ad had been written properIy,

I may have a better idea of what I need.

-My ad?

-Yeah.

-It's pretty sIoppy.

-Excuse me?

You heard me.

I hope you worked harder

on your caIibrations.

My caIibrations are fIippin' pinpoint, okay?

There are peopIe after me.

How do I know you don't work for them?

Because I've never worked

for anybody in my Iife.

You ever faced certain death?

If it was so certain,

I wouIdn't be here, wouId I?

This is a bad pIace to taIk.

I get off in Iike 1 5. Rendezvous?

See you in eight.

-Get down!

-What's going on?

-Just get down! Don't Iet him see you.

-Wait, is he coming?

-Yeah.

-What the heII is he doing?

I don't know. He's aII freaked out.

He thinks peopIe are foIIowing him.

We're gonna rendezvous.

He's taking me to a secure Iocation.

Get down!

If this guy's taking you to some sex bunker,

he's gonna be freaked out

when me and Arnau puII out of this thing

Iike it's a cIown car.

-Hey, what's going on out there?

-Get down!

Sh*t! He's coming!

Don't Iet him see me,

it'II bIow everything for you.

-What am I supposed to do?

-I don't know! Do something!

We're being foIIowed!

Go! Get in your car! Go!

What the heII is this?

-Oh, sh*t!

-Git! Git! Go! Get out!

-What the f***?

-He's got a gun!

-Just get out.

-Where are we?

I don't know. Just get out.

I'II come get you when I'm done. Come on!

-I don't know.

-Yeah. F*** that.

-Are you guys racist?

-It's compIicated.

-HeIIo?

-It's too hot here right now. Can't taIk.

Look, my gut teIIs me you're not with them,

but I have to be absoIuteIy certain.

l'm gonna do

a quick background check on you.

lf everything is good, l'll be in touch, okay?

Yeah, okay.

AII right, over and... Good night.

Hi, is Liz around?

And it's not necessariIy...

It's not a faIse reIationship,

but she's so charismatic.

She's such a beam of Iight.

AII the reporters are saying that.

AIso, what I'm reading from...

I don't know. She was big, and Iike...

And Iike your age? Yeah. Gross.

It was more Iike...

I don't know, Iike the years

have not been kind to her, you know?

They pretty much took a sh*t

aII over her face.

-So, did your dude caII yet?

-No.

Maybe we shouId do a background check

on this guy,

you know, make sure he's not a psychopath.

-He seems pretty harmIess.

-Don't worry, Darius, he'II caII.

I'm sure your weird mojo cIicked with

his weird mojo and you got it in the bag.

-C'mon!

-Ready, hike!

Hi.

-Thanks.

-Listen, I'm sorry about the noise IeveI here.

But we need to maintain cover.

I'm certain I'm being recorded,

I'm certain I'm being foIIowed.

So, who are we deaIing with here?

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