Saint John of Las Vegas

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[# Piet Van Meren:

Mr. Buzz]

[Bell rings]

20 bucks on pump 7.

Lucky 7.

You from around here?

Uh, I just moved.

Oh, yeah? Just moved?

For school.

Been here long?

I just asked that.

Heh heh.

I used to live here.

I knew all the spots.

I mean,

you gotta know 'em.

There are

some great places.

And not just for

gambling. There's more.

I mean, gambling, sure.

Do you gamble?

Sometimes.

Sometimes?

That means a lot.

Yeah.

How much is the Instant

Jackpot Madness?

30 million.

Jeez Louise! Why hasn't

somebody popped that bubble?!

I mean, like...

"Give me 1,000 tickets."

Anyone ever done that?

Why not?

Let's do it.

1,000 tickets.

Give me 1,000.

Uh, I don't think

I can do that.

Sure you can.

Yeah, count it.

I'll have to get

the manager.

Get him.

CASHIER:
Hi. Yeah,

we have a customer

who wants 1,000

I.J.M. tickets.

Is that cash?

Yeah.

Okay.

He'll be right up.

I'm not authorized

for that much.

Okay.

So? Do you know

any good places?

Uh, a few.

I just got here.

Well, I could

show you Vegas. Yeah?

Sure.

Oh. Good times.

[Chuckles]

# One, two, three, four #

[Gargling]

[Spits]

JOHN:
They say

you make your own luck.

I never understood that.

You're either lucky,

or you're not.

When I lived in Las Vegas,

I had plenty of luck.

Problem was,

most of it was bad.

So... I drove until

I ran out of gas.

And... here I am.

For now,

I'm taking it slow

and steady.

My name is John,

and I used to be lucky.

I had a great run

for a while.

A smile from me,

or a nod,

and it was, "John, how

are you? Right this way."

I didn't have to order

the usual.

They brought it to me,

comped.

[Tires screech]

[Machine beeps]

[Clears throat]

I tried my credit card on

your machine. It's broken.

The credit card

or the machine?

Five bucks

on pump number seven.

And three

Grand Gimmes.

Three Grand Gimmes.

And four

Who's Your Daddys.

And eight

Mega Mega Megas.

And eight

Mega Mega Megas.

That's 20.

JOHN:
Of course,

a little fun never hurts.

Just to test the waters.

Because if my luck

comes back,

it would be foolish

not to capitalize.

[Applause and whistling]

[Scratching]

[Music playing]

[Huffs]

[Scratching]

[Coins jingling]

Who's Your Daddy.

Congratulations. $22.

22?

When the words "Who's",

"Your", and "Daddy appear,

one in each box,

that's 1,000.

Your ticket has all three in

one box... 22. You're up two.

Heard somebody won Instant

Jackpot Madness last night.

No.

I thought

somebody won.

It's up to 15 million.

15?

Just sayin'.

22, Instant

Jackpot Madness.

[Machine whirring]

Hey. You're not

allowed to look.

Do you have trash?

Don't forget your

five bucks on pump seven.

JOHN:
I guess

I am pretty lucky.

I have a nice house

in a gated community...

a great job...

sitting in a cubicle,

filing claims,

logging calls.

WOMAN:
Thank you for

calling Townsend Insurance.

May I have your claim number?

JOHN:
And...

I have the best seat

in the house.

Thank you for calling

Townsend Insurance.

Can I have your

claim number, please?

So, you know how you're always

playing those scratch card games?

No, I'm not.

My girlfriends and I

all chipped in

and bought a few,

and we won. $100.

Technically, $1,000,

but there were ten of us.

You won?

Yeah.

Okay.

So, we each bought

our own card,

and mine was called

"Who's Your Daddy".

Like,

who thinks of that?

Heh. I'll have to try that. Yeah.

I was using my nail

to scratch it off,

and, like,

nothing's coming off.

And the guy's, like, "You

have to use a quarter."

You should've played

Instant Jackpot Madness.

Oh, well, we just played

what they had at the store.

It pays 15 million.

Yeah, serious money.

I came close

this morning.

Well, I didn't see

that one.

And I'm grateful

for my $100.

No, hey,

100 bucks is 100 bucks.

Jill?

What?

Do I look okay?

Like,

professional?

Yeah.

I like

your necktie.

I'm going to see

Mr. Townsend.

Well, you look good.

Why are you seeing

Mr. Townsend?

[Whispering] Are you

gonna ask for a raise?

No.

You're gonna

get a raise.

No, I'm not.

JOHN:
I've never had

a desk job before,

but I watched enough TV.

Do good work...

"Yes, sir." "No, sir."

And you move up.

[Knock on door]

[Man talking on TV]

[Clears throat]

Mr. Townsend,

I was wondering...

Do you know what's

most important to me?

Do you?

Um... no, sir.

Family.

Family is the most

important thing.

Don't you think?

Sure.

Do you have a family?

No.

Then why did you

agree with me?

Mr. Townsend...

I've been doing

pretty well here, I think.

So...

Do you know what

these awards are for?

Fraud... detection.

You might think we're in

the car insurance business.

We're not.

We're in the business

of not paying

fraudulent claims.

And I don't pay fraudulent

claims more than anyone else.

Will you send Virgil in?

Do you know Virgil?

Virgil!

John, this is Virgil.

How's the insanity

driving plea?

We're off the hook.

Make sure to submit

the S.F.C.

She dropped the claim.

Virgil has debunked

15 fraudulent claims

in the last six months.

Congratulations.

Alas, the tedium

of paperwork

proves too much

for him.

You could've paid

those 15 claims.

John here was just asking

for more responsibility.

Isn't that right?

He could be a fraud man.

Put him on Le Sabre.

I was thinking

the Wildcat.

Giving him Wildcat?

What's the Wildcat?

1970 Buick Wildcat,

mint condition.

The owner...

a Miss Tasty D. Lite...

says she was rear-ended

in the desert

outside of Vegas.

Virgil is gonna go

investigate the claim,

and I want you

to go with him.

I can't.

Uh, I... don't like Vegas.

You don't like Vegas?

How can you not like

Las Vegas?

I mean, it's not that

I don't like it.

Then why did you say

you didn't like it?

So...

the car is totaled.

$17,000.

Apparently, she's

confined to a wheelchair.

She's also filed

$180,000 in lost wages.

What do you think

our Miss D. Lake does

in order to justify

$180,000 in lost wages?

I was gonna say...

sounds like a stripper name.

Yeah, that's right.

She's a stripper.

John, I have a phrase...

"Up or out."

Out? Did I...

I want you

to move up...

all the way to

Level 6 Adjuster.

A corner office,

a space in

the parking structure.

Some serious stuff.

Would I get, uh...

money?

Whoa! Hey! Wow.

We just ordered

cocktails.

You gotta

get me drunk

before you start

to molest me.

[Chuckling]

This feels right,

doesn't it?

You didn't belong

in claims handling.

I mean, some people...

Jill. You know Jill.

She sits

right next to you.

What's she gonna do

besides claims handling?

She's very good.

Really fast with

the computer system.

Oh, sure.

She's great.

And she's

a wild woman.

If you know

what I mean.

You know

what she loves?

A good hair-pulling.

Mmm! Ow!

[Chuckling]

I'm serious.

You should try it.

I'm kidding!

No, I'm not.

[Laughs]

All right.

Good luck, boys.

Wait a minute.

Am I making a mistake?

Don't answer.

The S.F.C. form.

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