Salmon Fishing In The Yemen

Dear Dr. Jones,

I act on behalf of a client

with access to very substantial funds

who has indicated a desire

to sponsor a project to introduce salmon

and the sport of salmon fishing

into the Yemen.

I would like to seek a meeting with you

to identify

how this challenging project

might be initiated and resourced.

I might add that

the Foreign and Commonwealth Office

supports the project as a symbol

of Anglo-Yemeni cooperation.

Yours sincerely,

Harriet Chetwode-Talbot, Ms.

Fitzharris & Price Investment Consultants.

Night. Have a good evening.

You, too. Say hi to soldier boy.

We're just friends, you know.

We've only met a couple of times.

- Yeah, you tell me that on Monday.

- Shut up.

- Hello.

- Hi. It's great to see you.

- Yes. Me, too. Sorry.

- Yes?

- Yes.

- You, too.

- No, "Yes" is a start, that's fine.

- Stop it, I'm so nervous.

Why are you nervous?

I don't know. I'm trying to be

very sophisticated and grown-up.

Right. No, grown-up, absolutely.

Quite right, yeah.

- Harriet.

- Yes?

Last one to the restaurant pays.

What?

You bastard.

Dear Harriet Chetwode-Talbot,

thank you for your e-mail.

As a fisheries specialist,

permit me a word or two about salmon.

Migratory salmonoids require cool,

well-oxygenated water in which to spawn.

In addition, in the early stages

of the salmon's life cycle,

a good supply of fly life

indigenous to the northern European rivers

is necessary for the juvenile salmon,

or parr, to survive.

Some considerable distance

from the Indian Ocean,

or indeed the Red Sea,

as I am sure you are aware,

though apparently not

the Foreign and Commonwealth Office.

We conclude that conditions in the Yemen

make this project unfeasible.

Fundamentally unfeasible.

Yes, yes. Fundamentally unfeasible.

We therefore regret

that we are unable to help you

any further in this matter.

Yours, Alfred Jones, Doctor.

I've put duck liver pate in your sandwich.

That's lovely.

Righto. I'm off to bed.

Already?

- Airport car's coming at 5:00.

- Righto.

I'll maybe have another wee pass

at the caddis fly paper.

You could read it on the airplane.

Up to my ear in reports, darling.

I'll read it when I'm back.

Right, then. Good night.

Oh, my God, I don't do this. I don't do this.

No, I can tell.

I haven't done this in a really long time.

- Okay.

- I'm so shy.

- Okay. No, I'll sleep on the sofa.

- No, I'm so shy.

Look, Harriet, I mean it. I...

Shut up.

You were saying. You're shy.

I am shy and quiet.

Like Hitler. I'm serious.

Robert, I...

Don't do this and then forget me.

I just don't wanna be

an army barracks joke in the morning.

Please be nice to me.

Harriet, I'm serious, too. I mean it.

So if you want me

to sleep on the sofa, then I'll...

If you say, Captain Mayers,

one more time you'll sleep on the sofa,

you'll bloody well sleep on the sofa.

Captain Robert Mayers, 3-6-4-7-7-2.

Maxwell. Better be good.

Mrs. Maxwell, we have a situation.

- What?

- Code Red in Afghanistan.

Go to sleep.

Tell me that's not a mosque.

Well, it is a religious establishment...

- Of course it's a bloody mosque!

- Well, of course...

- What's up?

- Go to sleep.

-...make this a joint operation.

- No,no,no,no,no,no,no.

The British have absolutely

nothing to do with this whatsoever.

And I want every single man, woman, child

and goat in Afghanistan to know that.

My God, I didn't think we could make

the war in Afghanistan any less popular,

but, hey, even I can be wrong.

We'll have Vera Lynn strapping on

her suicide belt in sympathy next.

Bravo, the bloody Marines.

Right, you lot.

We need a good news story

from the Middle East, a big one.

And we need it now.

You've got an hour, get on with it.

Good news, eh?

New girl band, Middle East tour.

Maybe. Maybe.

Touch my body

No, no...

Okay-

Maybe not. No.

British trans-Arabian rally.

For God's sake.

Come on, come on. Come up with something.

What's this?

A project to introduce salmon fishing

to the Yemen.

Salmon fishing.

Salmon fishing in the Yemen.

Is that the best you puffed-up

Oxbridge-educated moronic buffoons

can come up with?

Yes? Yes, Prime Minister.

Well, no, I'm working on it right now.

I think I may have come up

with something that you'll like.

Salmon fishing. Salmon fishing.

Are you dollies trying to get me fired?

Well, here we go.

Fish it is

- Morning.

- Good morning.

- Morning.

- Morning.

- Morning.

- Hello.

Mrs. Maxwell on line one, sir.

Busy.

She says it's urgent, sir.

Maxwell who?

The press officer to the Prime Minister, sir.

Patricia.

They haven't pensioned you off yet, then?

Listen, I got the heads-up

from the FCO about this

salmon fishing in the Yemen. Fancy it?

- Well, I...

- We do.

Chasing a good news story

out of the Middle East.

Anglo-Yemeni relations back on track.

Arab-Western cultural dtente

through the ancient sport

of yanking poor sodding fish out of rivers.

What do you reckon?

Well, it's a bit of a long shot, to be honest.

Well, don't be honest.

Lunatic's an oil sheikh.

Got money pouring out of his arse.

Good friend of the West.

Good friend of the Party, too,

so give it a go, eh, dolly?

Well, we'll certainly

bend every sinew to the job, Patricia.

I'll set up a working party immediately.

- What?

- Hey!

Don't you "working party" me,

you short-arsed little pen-pusher.

I did not say kick it into the long grass.

I said do it!

Yes, Patricia. Right...

...away.

Mr. Jones?

Morning, Mr. Jones.

Good morning, Betty.

I trust you had a nice weekend.

Yes, thank you, Mr. Jones.

Mr. Sugden would like a word.

Would he indeed? What do you think of that?

It's for the caddis fly report.

Need something racy for the cover.

Something to rev up

the YouTube generation.

I know it's not quite what we would

expect from a scientific paper,

but we must keep up

with the times, Mrs. Burnside.

Mr. Sugden asked to see you, Mr. Jones.

I'm not too sure that I don't have a picture

of a caddis being eaten alive

by a spider somewhere.

There it is. That's a beauty.

What do you think about that for...

Good God.

Little too much, do you think?

No, not if you're making a horror film.

Look, this e-mail about the salmon thing.

Yes. Did I miss

April Fools' Day or something?

Did you like my little swipe at the

Foreign and Commonwealth Office wonks?

Yeah, well, I just had another e-mail

from the FCO today.

Rattle their cage, did I?

Look, you wouldn't take

a meeting with her, would you?

This Chetwode-Talbot woman.

She represents this

Sheikh Muhammed bloke.

Why would I want to do that?

Why would I want to traipse

across London to discuss that nonsense?

I've very important work to do here,

as you can very well see.

Yeah, well, the FCO, in their infinite W,

feel that a meeting on this

is important business, too, Alfred.

Lord, the tendrils of this

busybody government.

Dr. Jones, as your Operational Line Manager,

I am asking you with extreme prejudice

to take a meeting

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