Salmon Fishing In The Yemen Page #2

with Harriet Chetwode-Talbot.

I take it that's an order?

Take it how you wish.

Nazi.

Wanker. Morning.

Dr. Jones?

Miss Chetwode-Talbot is expecting me.

Yes, it's a bit of a mouthful.

Do call me Harriet.

- Nice to meet you.

- You, too. Do you want to come with me?

Yes.

Do come in.

Please, sit down.

Yeah, anywhere you like.

Would you like tea or coffee?

No, thank you.

So...

Fitzharris & Price represent

the sheikh's assets in this country,

including a number of estates in Scotland.

He's a very keen fisherman,

so he asked us if we would...

- Water.

- Sorry?

Water, Miss Chetwode-Talbot. H2O.

Do you want sparkling or still?

Not for me, for the fish.

Fish require water.

You are familiar with that concept?

Yes. I am, yes.

So, to save us both a lot of time,

let me keep this brief and simple.

Here it's very cold. It rains a lot.

Here it's very hot. It doesn't rain a lot.

Do you see the difference?

Well, you're pointing to Saudi Arabia,

Dr. Jones, not the Yemen.

You seem to be deliberately

missing the point.

With respect, not really.

You see, unlike Saudi Arabia,

parts of the Yemen

get up to 250 millimeters of rainfall

a month in the wet season.

It gets the edge of the monsoon, you see.

And the dry season?

Well, interestingly,

recent oil explorations

have uncovered a number

of very large freshwater aquifers,

which could sort of recharge the wadi

in the dry season using a dam.

I'm sure they could.

So, when he's built his dam,

why don't you get back to me then?

Completed, couple of years ago.

Long-term plan is to irrigate

thousands of acres of desert.

We could grow watermelons, maize, cotton.

Now you're going to tell me it isn't

hot in the Yemen, too, aren't you?

Well, in the mountainous areas,

the nighttime temperatures

get down to well below 20 Celsius.

And, of course,

I defer to your expert knowledge, Dr. Jones,

but I do believe that Pacific salmon

get as far south as California.

Temperatures are not too dissimilar there.

- Water.

- For the fish.

- No, for me.

- Of course.

Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.

Yes, Dr. Jones?

This is plainly ridiculous.

There's just no way that salmon can

survive in those sort of environments.

If your sheikh wants to pour

his money down the drain,

why doesn't he buy himself

a football club or something?

Look, Dr. Jones.

I don't really think it's my place

to explain the sheikh's motivations.

But I will say this,

that of all of our wealthy clients,

he is different.

I would go so far as to describe him

as a visionary man.

- A visionary?

- Yes, I know,

it's not a very fashionable word,

but if you decide to take this project with us,

then you can judge for yourself

when you meet him.

My line manager asked me to come here

and take this meeting to discuss your project

and that I have done.

I thank you for your time,

Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.

I'll see myself out. Goodbye.

Thank you.

Did you get my e-mail?

Yes. What did it say?

Took the meeting.

Waste of time, as predicted.

Now, if you don't mind,

I'll get back to my work.

Dr. Jones.

What is this?

P45.

I'm sorry, I don't... I don't understand.

Well, a P45 is the official document

given to an employee

when his services are no longer

required by his, or her, employer.

Yes, but, Bernard, this has got my...

Or you can sign this letter

stating that you are delighted

to assign yourself, exclusively,

to the Yemeni salmon fishing project

with immediate effect.

It's up to you.

But, Bernard,

you know as well as I do

this thing is a bloody joke.

There's no way

you can get salmon that far up a...

Just there.

This is blackmail, Sugden.

This is a bloody outrage.

Fitzharris & Price will be paying

your salary while on secondment.

Almost double what it is now.

I'd say that's a bloody outrage.

Double? Can I have time to think about this?

Nope.

- Can I borrow your pen?

- No.

It's my special one with the italic nib.

Hey.

Hold it, hold it. Hold it.

Brian, what...

What have you got in bar seven?

I should have resigned.

You can't afford to resign.

Matter of principle.

I have a standing

in the scientific community, Mary.

A reputation.

You have a mortgage.

Two, three, four.

Maybe I should resign.

We could have a baby.

Why not? You could stay on at work

and I could bring up the nipper.

I could take him to the park and to school.

I could take him fishing.

What do you think?

They're really losing the plot in Geneva.

One minute they're buying Euros,

the next minute they can't

ditch them fast enough for dollars.

They're panicking,

and guess who they want to bail them out.

I can't imagine.

Say a command.

- Shut up.

- Say a command.

What were you shouting about back there?

Nothing.

Say a command.

Mar)'-

Oh, Lord.

Well, that should do you for a while.

Thank you, Mary.

Good night.

Night, dear.

Oh, Jesus.

Good morning.

Yes, Staff.

I've gotta go.

Now?

Yeah. That was the call.

Sorry.

Is it Afghanistan?

It's somewhere sandy, that's for sure.

- I'll go get some tea.

- No, look...

- No, it's all right, Robert. It's...

- No, no, come here.

Look, the last few weeks...

This is good.

Wonderful.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

I don't know how long I'm gonna be.

Will you wait for me?

Now go get that tea.

You bastard.

Well, firstly,

we would need to trap 10,000 salmon

from the North Sea, for the sake of argument,

get them to the Yemen alive,

don't ask me how,

where they would be deposited

in temperature and oxygen-controlled

holding tanks built into a wadi

that would, hallelujah,

open during the rainy season,

allowing the salmon to migrate upstream

for, say, 10 kilometers,

which would allow your sheikh

to hoick them out of the water

to his heart's content.

Of course, until the dry season,

when they will all

die.

Well, unless we feed the wadi

all year round using the dam.

Of course. Stupid idiot man.

Why not use precious water resources

to support one man's sport fishing?

So, now that we have year-round water,

why not build some

gravel spawning grounds,

breed the world's first Arabian salmon,

and teach the clever fellows

to migrate to the Indian Ocean...

Wonderful, wonderful idea.

...singing, "Step we gaily, here we go.

Heel for heel and toe for toe."

Rough cost?

Cost?

Cost.

Forty million. No, 45...

- Fifty million.

- Dollars?

- Dollars.

- Dollars.

Or pounds.

Pounds.

At least.

So it's theoretically possible?

Well, it's theoretically possible

in the same way

as a manned mission to Mars

is theoretically possible.

It's very impressive, Dr. Jones.

No, it's not. It's nonsense.

Look, I just made it all up.

No, the drawing.

Real talent, if I might say so.

Excellent start.

So I suppose we should just

crack on and get things started now?

You can't hold me to this.

I mean, these are just random ideas.

I mean, this is a sort of joke.

Well, I'm sure you wouldn't joke about

a 50-million-pound project, Dr. Jones.

Not when you're in charge of it.

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