Salmon Fishing In The Yemen Page #3

Well, the sheikh is

so looking forward to meeting you,

and he'll be back in the next couple of weeks.

So, in the meantime, is there

anything else that I can do for you?

Well, as a matter of fact, there is.

Could you arrange a meeting

with the hydro-engineering team

from the Three Gorges Dam?

The one in China?

Is there another?

British Oxygen Company.

A meeting with them as well.

And then, what are those

great big transport aircraft called?

The big Russian military...

Antonovs.

Find out about renting two of those,

one for the fish and one to carry

all the money that we're going to need.

When that's done,

I'd be delighted to start working.

Good day, Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.

Good day, Dr. Jones.

Mary!

Up here.

Boy, did I put a hurricane

up that Chetwode-Talbot woman.

You would have laughed.

I told her I wanted a meeting with

the Three Gorges Dam team from...

Where are you going?

Geneva. I told you.

You didn't say now.

Well, I am. Tomorrow.

Well, how long are you going for?

Six weeks, to start with.

Six weeks?

There's no need to shout.

Six weeks, though, Mary.

This is a big chance for me.

I'll be heading up the whole operation.

Well, you could say "Congratulations."

Great.

Enough is enough. It's job or marriage.

You've got to make a decision

and make it now, God damn it.

There are planes, you know, Fred.

And I get Sundays off. Mostly.

You can get all your

horrible old fishing stuff out again.

Didn't even ask me. Just went and did it.

I know. I'm sorry.

It just suddenly seemed

like the right decision.

Maybe for both of us.

Fred, I don't want to leave on bad terms.

No. No.

I'll open a bottle of something fizzy. Okay?

Reports are coming in from Afghanistan

of a British soldier killed

while on duty in Helmand Province.

An improvised explosive device detonated

during a routine search

in a local village. This...

The Minister for Culture 's

been photographed doing what?

Naked or clothed?

Boy or girl?

How old?

Jesus. Well, at least she's legal.

Press statement from us saying that

we're a party of policy not personality,

concentrating on the real issues of

getting this country back on track

in times of economic hardship

and not tabloid sensationalism,

et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Meanwhile, get the useless arse

on the front page of every paper

apologizing for being born,

big spread in Hello! with

blonde forgiving wife and cute kids.

If they're not cute, find a horse or something.

Joshua! Hood.

Don't you suck your teeth at me, young man.

I'm not one of your b*tches

from the Baltimore low-rises.

You feel me? I'm your f***ing mother!

Got to go. Meeting.

Dear Dr. Jones,

the sheikh has requested your company

at his estate in Glen Tulloch

to discuss the salmon project further.

Please advise which dates

would suit you best.

Many thanks, Harriet Chetwode-Talbot,

Fitzharris & Price.

Mr. Sugden would like

to see you in the canteen, sir.

Up his arse with a meter ruler.

Thanks, Betty.

- Which one is he?

- Over here.

Fred.

Can I introduce Patricia Maxwell?

She is the Prime Minister's press officer.

Hello.

Fifty million from

Sheikh Muhammed thingammy.

It's the first-stage payment

on research development

for the salmon fishing project.

The PM's keeping a close eye on this one.

It's just what we need right now,

a bit of Anglo-Arab news

that isn't about things that explode.

I want to know, is it a goer?

Goer? Well, look, the complexities.

I mean, I barely know even where to begin,

but, well, just for starters,

we would need 10,000 live salmon.

Is 10,000 salmon a lot?

Well, if they're to come from British waters,

and I don't see where else

they're gonna come from.

I mean, you would need the permission

of the Environment Agency.

That's your job, Bernard.

Okay, so you get on to the EA

and get this man his salmon.

- Miss Maxwell. Ms.

- Mrs. Happily married.

Details in Who's Who.

Mrs. Maxwell, there are

two million fishermen in the UK

who are, I would say,

unusually protective of...

How many?

- Two million.

- Two million?

- Yes.

- Bloody hell.

Two million out there

waving their little rods around?

Are they the kind that vote our way?

They vote for those that best

look after their fish, in my experience.

I bet they do, I bet they do.

Right, so, Prime Minister on the front cover

of Fishy Weekly or whatever.

Best friend of the British fisherfolk.

Spearing a leaping salmon. I like this.

I like it a lo'[.

They do have magazines, these people?

They can read?

Aye, the Angling Times, Trout and Salmon,

Coarse Fishing Monthly, Bassmania.

Bassmania?

Marvelous.

Marvelous. That's marvelous.

This has just become a priority project.

Anything I can do, just give me a call.

Two million.

God, men, what a species.

I don't think she got

the right end of the stick there.

Your call, I think, Bernard.

Ten thousand native Atlantic salmon

on my desk by Friday, please.

Yeah, well, you'd just better

come through on this, Jones.

It's been a long time since I was back.

- Yes?

- A long time.

You see?

- Is that where he lives?

- Yes.

He has many estates,

but this one's his favorite.

- May I present Malcolm, the butler.

- Hello.

- This is Dr. Jones.

- Welcome to Glen Tulloch, sir.

His Excellency thought you might

like to avail yourself of the fishing

while you're waiting.

Thank you very much.

May I present

Sheikh Muhammed bin Zaidi bani Tihama.

This is Dr. Jones.

It's a great pleasure to meet you,

Your Excellency.

To meet the creator of the Woolly Jones,

the pleasure's all mine, sir.

That's very kind.

Ms. Chetwode-Talbot, do you realize

that for more than 10 years

I have fished with a Woolly Jones?

Really? What's a Woolly Jones?

Dr. Jones invented a famous fly.

Well, it's a sentimental habit

that some fly-tiers have

of calling a fly after...

Anyway, I don't approve

of that sort of thing normally, but...

Woolly Jones. It's a great name.

A bloody good fly, that's for sure.

Please allow me to show you

a delightful lie just around the corner.

Absolutely. Lead on.

You think I'm mad?

- No, Your Excellency. I...

- Of course you do.

I would question yourjudgment

if you did not.

Though I have judgment enough to know

that under there lies a fish

much cleverer than I.

I'm a great admirer of the British

for many reasons,

but still there are mysteries to me.

The rich are frightened of the poor.

The poor are frightened of the rich.

And even your politicians,

they try to sound like

the people on the EastEnders.

A wonderful program, but still.

Yes, the great British class system.

Indeed.

But fishermen, I have noticed,

they don't care whether

I'm brown or white, rich or poor,

wearing robes or waders.

All they care about is the fish,

the river and the game we play.

For fishermen, the only virtues are patience,

tolerance and humility.

I like this.

You are struck dumb

by my naivety, Dr. Alfred.

No, you're on.

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