Sam Whiskey Page #2

The result would've been a new republic,

the same way Texas began,

with my husband

as first president of that republic.

But the riverboat sank. Now I gotta go.

The agents of Benito Juarez

didn't want another piece of Mexico lost,

and expansion is no longer

a popular word in Washington.

There's a new administration.

Well, we've had a nice talk,

lady, and I hope you get...

No. Mr. Whiskey!

When they start minting coins

in Denver next month,

I don't want them to discover the lead bars

Phillips put back in place of the gold.

Yeah, you have got yourself a problem.

Don't be so hasty!

Look inside, Mr. Whiskey.

What do you see?

Instead of the 5,000,

I'm prepared to pay you $7,500,

if you'll do it.

How 'bout 10,000?

Do you know there's 14 different kinds

of river pirates and bushwhackers

between here and the Platte River?

Pinkerton said you could do anything.

He did?

And now I'm sure of it.

What would happen,

when I got that pile of gold,

if I just kept it for myself?

Uncle Morgan would have you shot.

Uncle Morgan?

He's the General in the family.

Well, I've thought it all over...

...and I think I'll just be on my way.

You certainly have got

an active disposition.

-12,500.

- No!

I can't handle it.

I can see right now it's gonna take

at least two more men besides myself.

$15,000.

Mr. Whiskey, that is absolutely

all I have to pay you.

Please say you'll do it.

Please?

I'll pay you half the 20,000 now,

and the other half when you've finished.

I'm damn near finished already.

You have no idea how much better I feel

knowing with your help,

I won't have to go to prison.

Yeah.

I just hope it isn't the other way around.

I think it's wonderful chivalry isn't dead.

- You don't mind if I count it, do you?

- Of course not.

Now, the Bonnie Blue went down

in that narrow channel,

right there where the arrow's pointing.

I'll meet you on the road between there

and Denver a week from today.

By then, you should have the gold,

and I should have the blueprints

of the mint for you.

Good luck.

LWlneedit

- Bye.

- Good-bye.

Mr. Whiskey?

It was nice doing business with you.

Likewise, Mrs. Breckenridge.

- Bye.

- Good-bye.

- Howdy.

- Howdy.

You own this shop?

Nope.

This your horse?

Yep.

Did you ever see

a Presbyterian wrestle a bear?

Nope.

I'll bet you didn't know President

Rutherford B. Hayes had a glass eye.

What the hell do you want?

How'd you like to go to work for me?

Nope.

That's $100.

Bet you can't lift that anvil.

On one leg.

Doggone! You did it!

You win the bet.

Now how'd you like to help me get

a quarter of a million dollars

worth of gold bars off the bottom

of the Platte River?

How'd you like to help me get a quarter

of a million dollars-worth of gold bars

off the bottom of the Platte River?

Just you and me?

No, I'm figuring on picking up

a friend along the way.

- I'll think about it.

- Good.

You can leave that here.

Sam!

Good luck.

Thanks.

Mary McCarty was shy as a primrose

Skin was as fair as the dew of the May

And though she was tempted

she never surrendered

Her virtue more often

than four times a day

Whiskey and gin

Whiskey and gin

Mary McCarty loved whiskey and...

I knew a man named George one time.

Used to sing a lot.

They hanged him.

Is that a fact?

Yep.

I knew a wheelwright named Abercrombie.

Looked a whole lot like you.

Had two wives

back in Frackville, Pennsylvania.

One was a Mormon lady.

The other a Baptist.

I used to work for him.

He paid me 25 cents an hour

to make wagon wheels.

I'll tell you something else,

he was mean as hell.

Abercrombie went into the Army

as a captain.

First battle he got into,

an enlisted man named Tom shot him.

That doesn't sound like an accident.

I wouldn't know.

Well, go on! What happened next?

When the war was over,

Tom went to Frackville

and married Abercrombie's widow,

the Baptist one.

I'll be damned.

What happened to the Mormon widow?

Went out west.

Started her own wagon wheel business.

Married an apothecary, had seven children.

Was the first lady to win

the blue ribbon for rhubarb pies

three years runnin'.

Tell me something, Jed.

Do you know all that for a fact?

Just thought it up as I went along.

Helped pass the time.

The girls in the city are skinny and pretty

Girls in the country

have meat on their bones

But Mary McCarty

could give them all lessons

In loving contortions and delicate moans

Whiskey and gin

Whiskey and gin

Mary McCarty loved whiskey and gin

I'll tell you what, Samuel.

You gotta adjust this thing

to fit your own eye.

Now, you were shootin' low out there,

so we'll put that front side

right about there for you.

Takes a little time,

but once you get the hang of it...

I'll be damned.

Built it all myself, Sam.

Fires 300 rounds a minute.

The British gun Hotchkiss

fires 200 rounds a minute

and weighs 10 pounds more.

- The French have got a gun...

- You come with a gun, O.W.?

Samuel, I...

Dat gum it, Sam, you know why.

I've been trying to discipline myself.

I'm through with all that chasm' around.

I'm an inventor and a businessman now.

Wouldn't change your mind, would you?

No, sir. No, lwouldn't.

I'll take you in on shares.

You, me, and Jed there.

Shares?

What's this?

Automatic corn sheller.

I'll sell you the guns, Sam.

But that's all.

- That's all?

- That's right.

Well, the least you can do

is give us some supper.

Already got it on the stove cookin'.

A little something to wet the whistle with.

- Is that com?

- Yeah.

If you don't mind, I'll stick to rye.

Sure. Go right ahead.

- Jed, you a poker player?

- Nope.

- You wanna learn?

- No, I don't.

Well, I can't says I blame you.

Jed, did I ever tell you that O.W. here

was the hardest drinkin',

hardest fightin' man

that General Sherman ever had?

Nope.

Salud, amigos.

- Salud.

- To old times.

I don't suppose you'd have any trouble

figurin' out a way a man

could do some work under water

at, say, 15 or 20 feet, would you?

Work 15 or 20 feet under water?

I suppose a good size bucket,

some leather hose

and a bellows oughta do it.

Why? What do ya got in mind?

You remember the time you won $100

bettin' how far

you could throw a cannonball?

Yeah.

I can't do that kind of stuff anymore.

I got a hitch in my back.

Oh, I bet you could still outdrink old Jed

and I here put together, if you wanted to.

Salud.

Well, yeah, I probably could, but...

...that kind of stuff doesn't fit in with

being an inventor and a businessman.

Yeah.

Must take a lot of hard-earned cash to

come up with one of those inventions, huh?

Yeah, it sure does.

Did I tell you that, after expenses,

your share will come to well over $5,000?

Over $5,000?

Over $5,000.

- Bet ten cents.

- Salud.

Well, what do ya got?

What do ya got?

Pair of nines and fives.

One pair. You win.

You figure, a hose

and a bucket'll do it, huh?

Well, I can't say for sure till it's tried.

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