Sam Whiskey Page #3

Yeah.

What kind of work

you gonna do underwater?

We're gonna haul up

a quarter of a million dollars in gold bars

off the bottom of the Platte River.

Salud.

Whiskey and gin

Whiskey and gin

O.W. Bandy loves whiskey and gin

- Everything on?

- Yep.

You know, O.W., once your head clears up

and you get some

of that cottonwood smell in your lungs,

you'll feel great.

Sam, stop this wagon.

Sorry, O.W. I can't do it.

Sam, I'm tellin' ya to...

We got a lot of work ahead,

and not much time to do it in.

Your share of the money's in your boot.

Just like I told you, we're partners.

Ain't we?

What the hell are you doin'?

Let go of that wheel.

I wanna talk to you, Sam.

- Can't it wait?

- No, it can't.

What's the matter with you? You damn

near caused the wagon to turn over.

It's my wagon, ain't it?

Look, we're partners, ain't we?

Sam, I'm a man

who hates to lose his temper.

I suppose what you're trying to tell me

is that you could knock me on my can

if you wanted to.

I figure!

I suppose you think what happened

last night was a dirty trick on a friend.

I sure do!

All right, then. Hit me.

I don't wanna hit you.

No, go on. Hit me.

Wouldn't be half enough

for what I did to you.

Go on. Hit me.

I'll tell you what... You hit me.

Tryin' to trick you into a deal

where you make a lot of money

so you can become a rich man.

Become a famous inventor.

A man oughta be stoned for that.

Hit me again.

Now, I deserve it.

It don't make sense...

Letting a man get away

with a thing like that.

Ain't no punishment bad enough

for a man who'd

pull a dirty trick like that on a friend.

Well, O.W.?

Let's go.

Jed?

Thanks?

Any time, Sam.

Git up. Come on.

Go ahead and pump.

How's it feel?

Not as good as a new Stetson hat.

Evenin'.

Well, howdy, neighbor.

Did you ever see a man

run with his throat cut?

Not lately.

Nothing in here looks like a map.

- Where is it?

- I don't know what you're talkin' about.

The map. Where is it?

Look, you out my throat,

and I won't know what the hell

you're talkin' about!

Where is it?

I can't think with that knife in my throat!

Is that better?

Sam.

Yeah?

I think I know

what they might be looking for!

All right, then you tell me

what the hell they're lookin' for!

That chart you got

under the books in the wagon!

There's nothin' in here.

Hey, Jack.

I think your friend is

playing games with us.

Why don't you just stick

your shotgun in his snoot

and let's see how far he splatters.

Maybe it'll help his friend

remember about the map.

Where in damnation were you?

Who? Me?

I was right here.

Page 83.

The river's just up ahead!

There it is, gentlemen!

The last remains

of the steamboat Bonnie Blue.

And you want me to swim out there

with a bucket on my head,

go down in 15 feet of water,

and fish around for some old box?

I don't see anything unreasonable

about that. You, O.W.?

Not offhand.

- Then you do it.

- I can't swim.

Say, friend!

Would you mind rowing to shore

a minute? I'd like to talk to ya!

O.W., think we oughta

spend some of our money and,

buy Jed here a boat

so he don't have to do any swimmin'?

Well, if you're gonna work in the water,

a boat's a pretty handy item

to have around.

I'd say it's a good investment.

Couldn't agree more.

- Howdy, friend.

- Howdy.

How'd you like to sell that boat?

How much you gimme for it?

$10 for the boat,

2 for the fish, and 2 for the jug.

Don't see why you want a boat for.

You can't take that wagon across on it.

Well, don't you worry none

about that, friend.

We're just good-natured rich folk.

Wanna do a little fishin' and drinkin'.

Cousin Leroy made this.

Have a bite out of it.

Thanks.

I'll tell you what,

I'll give ya 15 for the boat,

and you keep the whiskey.

Five...

Ten...

Fifteen.

Mary McCarty had one simple failing

She liked to love men

three or four at a time

Mary McCarty jumped over the table

She liked to be chased

in the days of her prime

Whiskey and gin

Whiskey and gin

Mary McCarty loved whiskey and gin

Good-natured rich folk

who just wanna do

a little fishin' and drinkin'?

That's what he said.

'Course, I ain't never seen fishin'

done like that before.

I wonderjust how rich they are.

All right.

Follow the smokestack down

till you get to the main deck.

Then you look in the first cabin

on the right-hand side.

If you get in trouble, yank on this.

You all right, Jed?

Yep.

Nice river to get drowned in.

Not too muddy.

Down you go!

I've seen enough.

Let's go.

Jed?

Yeah.

I wonder if we shouldn't have

a larger bellows.

Or perhaps more sense.

What's the matter, don't you wanna be

a rich man? Never have to work again?

I like work. Enjoy it.

All right, three or four

pretty girls buzzin'.

A homely girl'll treat you better.

You know, Jed, you're right.

I remember Plato quoting Socrates

as saying about the same thing.

Takin' a chance with your life

for more money than you need

is just plain foolishness.

Is that a fact?

Don't tell me you never heard

of the pure and clean greed for gold.

That's what makes the world go round.

I've heard it said.

Now, what the hell's that

supposed to mean?

D'you know that two parts permanganate,

three parts of sulfur,

and one part of lard will...

...kill hookworms?

If that stuff isn't worth riskin'

your neck for, why don't you wait around

till you get to heaven

for your reward, and I'll keep your share.

No. I'll save it,

have a family of my own,

and buy my own bathtub.

She's a jolly good fellow

She's a jolly good fellow

She's a jolly good fellow

Which nobody can deny

Which nobody can deny

Which nobody can deny

She's a jolly good fellow

She's a jolly good fellow

She's a jolly good fellow

Which nobody can deny

Listen, Big Annie, this man here,

he's got some business

you just might be interested in.

Business?

How d'you do, ma'am?

I'd like the help

of some of your boys for shares.

- Shares? Shares of what?

- Listen, Big Annie.

He says there was gold on the Bonnie

Blue when she sank in the channel.

- Gold.

- Yeah.

You'll get 10% for your share in helping.

Listen, honey, I don't do nothin' for 10%.

But I'd be glad to have my boys go along

with a nice, fat man like you 50/50 split.

Put your hands up!

Put 'em up!

The next one's liable to kill ya!

Now, put 'em up!

I've found it!

Get outta the way!

Get him, Tom. Go on, get him!

What would Plato, Socrates,

and them people have to say about this?

I wish I knew.

Maybe they've never been

in quite this situation.

That's it. The last one.

Well, boys, I'd say we had ourselves a day.

Let's go in and have some supper.

That feller that drowned,

he said my whiskey were no good, huh?

Well, he was just a poor judge

of the finer things in life.

You know what Fat Man and me

is gonna do to you after dinner?

We gonna slice you up a little.

Both of ya.

And you know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna cut your buttons off,

and just watch you hop around and holler.

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