Santa Claus Page #3

Yeah.

There.

Clear!

- Go.

- Ha!

- Oh!

Excellent.

Keep up the good work.

Right. Right.

Wait! Isn't it

going too fast?

Too fast?

Welcome to the 20th century!

Hey!

Good try, puffy.

Mmm, I can't eat

another bite.

Me too.

Well, I'm taking my coffee

to the library,

so I can watch

my masterpiece theater.

And you, little miss, make sure

you learn those Latin verbs!

Psst! Psst!

Little boy?

Psst!

Hey, boy!

Going well, eh?

Merry Christmas,

pretty lady.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

What a night, my boys!

What a night!

Decorations hung

at the windows.

Stockings hung

by the fireplaces.

Ho, ho, ho!

Isn't it wonderful!

Tonight, there's

not a child alive...

Who's not bursting

with joy and happiness.

Oh.

Hang on, boys. I think we're

gonna make an unscheduled stop.

Whoa!

All right, stay right here,

boys. I'll be right back.

- Hello, son.

- Hey, beat it, man.

Find your own doorway.

Don't crowd me.

- What are you doing out here? - I'm

pitchin' a no-hitter for the Yankees.

- What's it look like?

- But it's Christmas Eve!

Don't you know

what that means?

Yeah, it means you don't have a job till

next year. You and the rest of the winos.

- Don't you know who I am?

- Sure, you're a nut.

I'm Santa claus! Right.

And I'm the tooth fairy.

Well, I guess I'll just

have to do it my way.

Holy cow!

- How'd you do that?

- See, what did I tell ya?

Come on, Santa claus

ain't... real?

Wanna go for a ride?

A ride?

A ride on that?

- I've never even been in a plane!

- You better make up your mind.

I'm pretty busy tonight. Yeah,

sure, if it's all right.

- I mean, like, really?

Now, hold on tight,

and don't worry.

You'll be as safe here as you are in

your own home. I ain't got a home.

Mm-hmm.

Do you know how to say "yo"?

Yo?

Wow! Oh, wow!

You really are Santa claus,

ain't ya?

Yes. But I still don't

know who you are.

Joe! I'm Joe!

Nice to meet you, Joe.

Wow, neat!

How do you make 'me do it?

Oh, just like a horse and buggy.

Pull their reins.

Both together

to make 'em go higher.

Can they do anything you want?

Oh, yes.

- Well, anything except

the super-dooper looper.

- What's that?

- I've been trying for years.

Well, maybe tonight's

the night!

Come on, donner. Let's give

it that old college try!

- Come on, donner! This may be it! This may be it!

- Ohh, yahoo!

You can do it, donner!

Come on, boy!

- Here we go!

- Ohh--

you can do it, boy!

I know you can do it!

- Come on!

- Ohh!

- Ohh.

Boy, well,

didn't work again.

That's all right,

donner boy.

We'll get it next time.

Tell 'em it's all right.

Uh, hey, like,

don't sweat it!

You did your best,

you know?

Hey, how would you like

to drive for a while?

Me? Drive?

Sure!

It's easy.

Here! Take the reins.

Well, come on.

Whoa!

Wa-hoo-hoo!

Oh, wow!

How am I doin'?

Oh, great.

- Ohh!

- Come on, guys, go!

Oh, no. No! Hey, wait a minute!

Come on, guys. Go!

Wait a minute! Oh!

Oh! Go, go, go!

Watch out! Oh!

Wait a minute!

Wait a second.

Oh, oh, my!

What do you call them?

Reindeer. No, I mean,

what's their names?

Oh.

Startin' from the front,

that's

donner and blitzen.

Comet and cupid,

prancer and dancer,

then dasher and ViXen. Look.

There's the Brooklyn bridge.

Here we go! Come on, donner.

Come on!

- Oh-h-h-h!

- Whoo! Whoo, whoo!

Go, go!

Let's go get it!

Come on, donner!

Come on, blitzen!

Go, guys, go, go!

- Come on, donner.

- You can do it.

Come on, go, go!

Oh, boy.

I better

take 'em now, Joe.

Where are we going? Well,

we can't joyride all night.

I've got a job

to do, you know?

Oh, yeah!

Is this the kid

who lives here?

Yep.

What'd he get?

Fishing rod.

How come?

That's what he asked for

in his letter.

You mean, if a kid writes--

- anything he wants? - Joe, didn't

you ever write me a letter?

I never believed in--

I mean, hey, I never

needed nothin'.

- See, I usually travel light.

- Well--

let's travel now.

Look, I'm sorry.

I didn't see it.

Are you him?

Are you Santa claus?

Boy, I hate it

when this happens.

- Hello, little girl.

- Is this my doll?

Mmm.

- What are you doing here?

- You two know each other.

Oh, sort of.

I'm Cornelia.

I'm Joe.

- I'm Santa claus. - Oh, it's a

great pleasure to meet you, sir.

Would you like some cookies?

They're from bloomingdale's.

Oh.

Chocolate chip.

They're my favorite.

Listen, corny. Thanks for all

the good food you gave me.

I can make you

a bowl of ice cream.

I tell you what, Joe. You stay

here and have something to eat.

- I'll see you again.

- You will? You mean it?

Santa claus

doesn't lie, Joe.

- Next Christmas Eve, we got a date, okay?

- You bet!

Thanks for the cookies.

What a guy.

Excellent.

Come on, now. It's easy.

There you go.

You're doing fine.

Thanks, daddy.

That's it. Oh!

Sweetie pie!

Mom!

- He's a great guy!

- His toys are cheap crap!

His presents suck! What do you care?

Nobody ever gave you nothin'!

How can you be so dumb?

Everyone knows he gives out

shoddy, cheap toys.

My daddy says

he's an old fake.

He is not. He's the nicest

man in the whole world.

My parents gave me a doll, and she

says whole sentences on a cassette.

You don't have any

parents, so naaah! Ow!

- A fight! - Girls! No way

can dancers be angry.

Returns are coming back

from everywhere.

Returns? We've

never had returns.

Maybe we could put out

some kind of statement.

Hi.

Well, I've got

a lot to do.

The thing--

I never was--

you see, I wanted-

being tied down to a desk

suits some elves, you know,

but others of us

are more free-spirited.

I know you had no idea.

I know that.

Patch, how can I say this?

Yeah, I think that,

um... red--

red just, just isn't

my color, you know?

Congratulations!

He'll never have an assistant

as good as me.

Let's face it,

he just doesn't like me.

Well, boys, I'm gonna miss you.

You know that, don't you?

Take care of yourself, huh?

Now, sir, I'm asking you if this toy

here was manufactured by your company,

the b.Z. Toy manufacturing

corporation.

Um, yes, senator,

this doll appears to be...

One of our own Betty beauties.

Holy crap!

My goodness!

Well, what do you say

to that, sir?

Well, senator, I've always

known that cigarette smoking...

Could be hazardous

to your health.

This is not a laughing matter, sir.

This is a tragedy!

You, sir, are a disgrace

to your profession.

Um, senator,

with all due respect--

and, I believe, this toy is advertised

as being suitable for three-year-olds.

Oh, my goodness!

Um, senator, I'm even

more astonished...

Than you are to see this, and I can guarantee

that if these are not isolated examples,

I'll make sure that

they never happen again.

Well, you better do

more than that, sir.

You better withdraw

every b.Z. Toy on the market,

or I'll personally see to it that your license

to manufacture in the United States is revoked.

No comment!

Okay, towser,

give it to me straight.

The retail outfits are pulling our

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