Santa Claus Page #4

toys off the shelves. Cowards!

The post said that anyone who gives his kid

a b.Z. Toy should have his head examined.

Swine!

Cancel my subscription.

We've got to meet a payroll by the end

of the month for 2,000 factory workers.

Commies! And our cash flow

is flowing the wrong way.

Right down the toilet. You sure

know how to cheer a guy up.

What'll we do, b.Z.?

Patch gone? Where will he go?

What will he do?

The world is no place

for an elf.

The world's a nice enough

place, isn't it?

I mean, they send such nice

letters from there. It must be.

It's Christmas

all over the world

tonight

it's Christmas

they must be very popular.

Look how fast they're going.

All over the world

Good morning, Mr. grizzard.

Everything okay?

Fine.

Greetings. Who the

hell-- miss abruzzi!

Don't bother with that. I'll just vanish.

You'll what?

Vanish... like this.

Hello?

Hi.

Wha--

it's a bit uncomfortable

in here. Oh!

Over here!

How did you do that?

Listen.

You make toys, right?

Are you, uh... from the

federal trade commission?

No. I'm

from the north pole.

I've got enough on my mind without

having to deal with an escaped lunatic!

How do you know I escaped?

What are you?

Isn't it elf-explanatory?

How's that?

I'm an elf.

An elf?

Yes.

You mean, like a fairy?

No, I'm not a fairy.

I'm an elf.

But-but... why are you here?

Well, I gather

you're a great toy giver.

I'm a great toy maker. We should get

together. Why should I do that?

Heaven helps those

who help their elf.

But-but-but why me?

Because I want to help you.

Why? So Santa claus

will appreciate me.

I was right.

You are a lunatic.

Don't you believe

in Santa claus?

Why should I? He never

brought me anything.

That's because you were

probably a naughty boy.

Yes... I guess

I was no angel.

Well, what did you

have in mind, elf?

Just let me use your toy factory.

To make what?

Something special. Now,

here's the idea. Mm-hmm.

First of all, you stop making

all your regular toys.

Well, I'm sure they're

fine and dandy, dandy and fine.

But we won't

be needing them anymore.

Won't... be...

Needing them anymore?

No. Oh, uh,

tell me something.

How can I tell all the people

about my something special?

Advertise. Advertise?

How do I do that?

In my line,

television works best.

Oh, I know! Those little picture

box thingies? Can we get on those?

With enough money, a horse in a

hoop skirt can get on one of those.

Money. I don't know

much about that.

Good.

Oh.

Let's, um, keep it

that way, huh?

Okay, but you'll fix it so I can

get on the telly? Yeah. When?

Christmas Eve.

How long?

Is a minute all right?

What channel?

- Well, all of them.

- Which countries?

All of them. All the countries,

all the channels.

That would cost

a fortune!

If you give extra kisses,

you get bigger hugs.

- Sorry? - That's what Santa's

wife is always saying.

Anyway...

That's all the advertising

you'll ever need.

It better be. How many workers does this...

product require?

Just me.

Wha-- no payroll?

A bowl of stew, heavy on the

dill, a cold place to sleep.

What would it cost?

Cost? Cost who?

The people

who buy the toy.

Well, nothing. We're going

to give them away free.

Oh, that's fantastic! How do you

turn your face so red so fast?

- For free? - Well, that's how

we do it at the north pole.

Well, that's not

how we do it here!

In a free enterprise

system--

on the other hand,

this would go a long way...

Towards cleaning up

my public image.

Excuse me? That's not

a bad investment.

All that good p.R.

I'm intrigued. Excuse me.

You're drooling on your tie.

Yes, I know. I said I was

intrigued, didn't I?

Now listen, son, what experience

do you have in toy manufacture?

Come on. I'm entirely

elf-taught.

Uh-huh.

What about it, b.Z.

This product of yours--

this, uh,

something special--

what exactly is it?

It's something that's very

easy to make. Uh-huh.

It's cheap.

Uh-huh.

It's simple.

Uh-huh.

You can turn them out by

the thousands. Uh-huh.

And--

yes. And?

It's got a secret

ingredient.

Look around you!

No strikes, no smelly workers!

No payroll!

It's practically paradise!

Still, giving this toy away

for free-- that, Dr. towser,

is why I am a captain of industry and

you are an insignificant schlepper.

Sure, the first Christmas,

it's free.

But the next one, we say,

"so you want it again?

Bigger? Better? Well, this

time it's gonna cost you!"

How much? I don't know.

One hundred, two hundred.

Where will they get that kind of money?

What do I care?

Ahh, it's a wonderful thing,

cracking your knuckles.

It's the pleasantest sound in the world.

What's he building in there?

I'm not sure. He says

it's the delivery system.

Yes? We brought the

prototypes for, uh... it.

Let me see them.

Towser. Towser!

That one.

What color? What

color do you like?

I like puce.

You would!

What's puce?

It's like fuchsia,

but a shade less lavender

and a bit more pink.

Sometimes

I wonder about you.

Fine. Puce, then. As long as it

tastes good. But are you gonna--

if this catches on, we can come

out with a liquid version.

Puce juice.

Oh, my!

An elf-portrait.

You haven't made

one of those since--

it's for Joe. He never

got a present in his life,

and he's too proud

to ask for one.

Mm-hmm.

He makes me think what our son

might've been like, Anya.

Why, it's patch!

It's not patch--

well, I guess it does

resemble--

my good old patch.

I don't know about this. It isn't what

the north pole looks like at all.

Look, b.Z. Knows what he's doing.

He knows how to grab the people.

This isn't real. The public doesn't

want reality. They want the dream.

Patch! Match!

Patch! Match!

Someone new

has come to town

Patch! Patch! From the old north

pole where the elves make toys,

here's a Christmas treat

for you girls and boys.

Oh, my name's patch.

As you can tell,

I'm an elf myself,

so let's give a yell.

Patch!

Well, the patch-work present

comes from me.

You'll find it

under the Christmas tree.

And best of all, you will agree,

is that it's absolutely free.

Cornelia, your step-Uncle has

just dropped by for a minute.

Go in and wish him

a merry Christmas.

Come in.

Merry Christmas, Uncle.

It certainly should be.

A little puce candy.

This special broadcast...

Is brought to you

by b.Z. Toys.

- At least he's all right.

- What are you going to do?

It's Christmas Eve,

isn't it?

I'm gonna do my job...

The way I always do.

Merry Christmas

from b.Z. Toys!

- Where is it?

- Up there, sir.

That's the stuff

I told you about.

Yes, it's terrific.

Well done, b.Z.!

Knock 'em dead, kid!

Knock 'em dead!

Come on, patch!

Give it all you got, kid!

Yaaaaa-hoo!

Oh! Oh.

Santa!

At least somebody

down there likes me.

Easy, boys.

Easy, now.

Easy, boys.

Whoa!

- Hello, Joe.

- Hey, how's it goin'?

Not bad.

Yourself?

I'm okay, I guess. I was afraid

you'd forget about me.

Well...

At least I've got

one good friend left.

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