Santa Claus Page #5

Are you kidding? I'm your

pal for life! Honest!

Oh, hey, there was this weird

guy on television. Some patch--

I know about that.

That's all right.

Then it's cool, then?

Yeah.

Hiya, blitzen. Hey, donner,

how's it goin', man?

- Hey, comet!

- All right.

- Coming?

Neat!

Oh! I almost forgot.

- For me?

- For you.

A present?

Aw, gee, thanks!

Excellent!

Did corny get something?

The, um, little girl.

Oh! Are you seeing

a lot of each other?

Actually, yes. Actually.

Well, of course she's gonna get a present.

She writes a nice letter.

She asked for a toy piano.

Well, come on.

Huh?

What about the, uh, "yo"?

Oh, right. Yo!

All right, donner!

All right, blitzen!

All right, everybody!

Ho-ho-ho!

Here we go! Ha-ha-ha!

Ho-ho-ho!

Don't you want to try it?

I certainly do not.

Well, it would be a shame

to let it go to waste.

Do you mind if I take it?

I don't care.

Mmm!

Mmm!

Ohhh!

Oh, look at me!

I feel just like Mary poppins!

Okay, man, come on.

Do your worst, huh?

Come on. You can't get past me,

sucker. Come on! Come on!

Oh, yeah,

you can't get past me.

Kid, come on, give me that ball!

Hey, what you doin'?

Hey!

Wow! I don't believe it!

You're cute.

Here he is,

ladies and gentlemen.

The man of the hour.

Ask him anything.

Tell us how you make it.

Can you, please?

What's in the lollipops,

Mr. patch?

Well, it's--

all natural ingredients.

- No additives whatsoever.

- Who did your outfit?

Uh, goober, actually. He's

head of the sewing department.

Mr. patch, has the space

agency contacted you yet?

Who?

The astronauts.

Oh. No, they'll have

to write to Santa claus...

Just like the other

boys and girls.

Uh, what we want--

what we want...

Is to bring joy

and happiness...

To all the little children

of this world.

And that's why

I'm proud to announce...

That, beginning today,

my pal patch here...

Is exclusive with b.Z. Toys!

What about the fact that the senate

subcommittee on toy safety...

Cited this company

with 15 separate--

no more questions!

No more questions.

No more questions.

What's this about the senate subcommittee?

Just typical newspaper garbage.

Don't take it seriously. And what was

that business about our future plans?

The future is ours, patch.

But I'm going back to the north pole.

Says who?

Well, nobody yet. But now Santa

claus has seen what I can do.

I'm sure he's gonna send

for me to come home.

Why would you want to do that? What does

the north pole have that New York doesn't?

Ice and polar bears--

and Santa claus

and my friends.

All right, all right.

I'll tell you what.

Just do me one favor

before you go.

- No, I can't. I've gotta go back.

- No, no, no, no.

Not for me.

For them, patch.

- Well, who?

- Am I right?

Something...

Something for them.

Something

for all the children...

Of this miserable old world.

So how about it?

Will you do it?

What is it? This stardust--

this reindeer cornflakes--

whatever it is that made

the children walk on air--

wh-wh-what would happen if you were

to juice up the formula a bit?

Just make it stronger?

Well, it's elf-explanatory.

I mean, it would make them fly.

Yeah, fly.

Fly? Fly? Fly?

You mean, like, fly?

Like fly high in the sky.

And could you do that before you go?

Yes, but I--

patch. It wouldn't

take you long, would it?

Lollipops?

No, no!

No, we did that already.

That's yesterday's news.

The consumer needs

a new model.

Well... candy canes?

Candy canes.

Mm-hmm.

Of course. Patch!

You are some terrific elf!

I mean, I could convert the--

I could convert the machines...

To do candy canes, and in a week

or two, and then I suppose--

we can launch the ad campaign tomorrow.

Strike while the iron is hot!

I can promise delivery

in, say, three months.

Three months?

But it's a year to Christmas.

When you've got a hit

like we have, patch,

the people don't want to wait a whole

year; They're dying for a sequel!

A sequel.

That's it.

We'll bring it out

on march 25,

and we'll call it...

Christmas ii!

Christmas ii?

Maybe the whole idea

is no good anymore.

What are you talking about?

What idea?

Christmas.

Claus!

The world is a different

place now, Anya.

You don't see it.

The people

don't seem to care...

About giving a gift...

Just so they can see the light

of happiness in a friend's eyes.

Just--

just doesn't feel

like Christmas anymore.

Maybe this fellow b.Z.

Is smarter than I am.

Maybe I'm--

maybe I'm just

an old fool.

Hi.

Hi. Come up, quick.

You're burning up!

I'll be all right.

You stay out there, and you'll

be dead is what you'll be.

You're staying here!

I'm what? There's an empty

room in the basement.

Nobody ever goes down there.

Oh, please, Joe.

Just till you get better.

Well... all right.

But just till I shake this.

It's, uh, a new doll.

A doll.

Children ought to like it.

Does it fly?

It, uh... wets.

Towser! Good lord, man!

3:
00 in the morning!

Haven't you ever heard of the telephone?

I couldn't use the phone.

It's perfectly easy, towser. You just pick up

the receiver and dial all the little numbers.

I didn't dare

use the phone, b.Z.

I couldn't take the chance of

anyone hearing. Hearing what?

Shhh!

Hearing what?

Are we alone? My niece and

her nanny are fast asleep.

All right. Good.

Come on. Come on.

Here.

Ninety-nine.

You still have a temperature.

Four dopey points!

Big deal!

More liquids. That's what you need.

More vitamin c.

Come on. Let's go get

some orange juice.

Oh, towser, with you it's

always some new melodrama.

Well, let me tell you, my friend,

tonight, nothing can upset me.

The money's coming in so fast, you'd

think we were printing it ourselves!

But, but, b.Z.--

do you realize

what this means, man?

Santa claus is finished!

I'm taking over Christmas.

By next December,

they'll be writing to me!

B.Z.

What the hell--

towser, take that way!

Oh! Oh!

Come on with me, young man!

Let me go!

How did you get in here? Who

are you, anyway? Let me go!

Towser! Towser!

- You little brat!

- Who is this kid?

- Some damned little sneak!

- I heard what you said!

You ain't never gonna

beat Santa claus! Never!

I'll tell him, and he'll beat you!

Park this kid on ice!

I'll deal with him later.

Shut up!

B.Z., we've got to talk.

Have you ever had one of those nights

when you just want to drop a bomb?

Some damn kid in my basement, you waltzing

into the house in the middle of the night--

by the way, towser, what the

hell did you want, anyway?

It's the candy canes. They're dangerous.

What about 'em?

What the hell are you talking about?

This patch guy--

he told me he keeps that secret

ingredient in cold storage...

Because it comes from the north pole.

Uh-huh.

So we started manufacturing

the candy canes. Uh-huh.

- It's a very powerful mixture, you know?

- Uh-huh.

So I just assumed I should refrigerate

them too. Get on with your story!

Stop giving me all these short sentences and

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote