Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic

I said 'Shut up, you stupid twat' And...

- Oh my God.

- I know.

Because... And then I'm like:

'Oh f***, what did I just do?'

But then the audience loved it.

They went nuts.

And she looked like an idiot, like they're all like,

she is a stupid twat that should shut up.

- That's awesome.

- So it was like felt really good. So that's on the record.

It's all like... So many more copies.

Called someone a stupid twat on it.

Who knows. I just glut out

the record finally.

It's so good, so good.

Perhaps I'm a bit producing it. It's crazy.

Wow!

And then this book. The stupid idea

I had about how guys are jerks.

I went on Oprah with it.

Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?

I would have loved to see that.

I didn't know how would it go,

I wanted it away. You know.

- Can I come on to?

- Yeah, for sure.

Oh my God, that's so cool.

What's going on with you?

What about that pilot?

- I got it.

- Awesome.

I know. I'm waiting to hear for it's gonna get picked up.

And that looks really good. They really like it.

Awesome!

It's so great!

And Dacky was in it.

Cause I brought him to the table reading they needed

a dog for one scene and then like "He's perfect"

He is perfect.

And then I sold that script

to this Comedy Central.

- A sports thing.

- Sport show of all things.

I know. I don't even know

anything about sports.

Who loves.

It's concept, I guess.

What about a...

What about you?

What's been going on?

I haven't seen you in a while.

So much.

- Wow, really?

- Yeah.

I'm doing a lot. So...

You've been getting out a lot.

I actually wrote a show.

Wow, cool.

Are you shopping it around or...?

No it's doing it.

I mean it's...

- I mean it's gonna be on. It's a show.

- On TV?

No, but it's actually

like a play slash movie.

- It's cool. Like in a theatre.

- Wow.

Yeah.

It sounds amazing. What is it? What's it about?

Are you like the star of it? What is it?

It's about a ...

the Holocaust.

Yeah. And it's kind of a...

But it's funny.

And it's also musical.

- Oh my God, that sounds awesome.

- I know.

When are you doing it?

It's a real opus, you know.

You know what, tonight. And it's

actually tonight so I'd better skid detail.

- Right now?

- Yeah. I've got a bunch of stuff to do pre-pro.

Can we come see it?

I wanna see it.

Sh*t. It sold out. It's totally sold out,

every scene. I know, it sucks.

What if we just hang backstage and

like watch from the wings or something?

Yeah. Can we just be backstage?

We can stand by the

curtains and be quiet.

I can't think why not.

- So will you let us know...?

- Yeah, sure, definitely.

I'm excited. I'm totally excited.

So see you guys tonight.

- Good luck.

- See you at the show.

F***!

"Here I go again with my big mouth."

"Spelling off like I got some going."

"I wrote a show and it's playing tonight?"

"I'm so foolish sh*t man. What was I thinking?"

"I gotta write a show but how am I gonna

do a show. And I don't even have a show to write."

"I never wrote a show, but if I ever wrote a show,

I bet that all of them would know and thinking bites."

"You know what. F*** down."

"I could write a show."

"I could write a show. I'll just do it."

"I'll write a show."

"All it takes is elbow grease"

"And I could write a show."

"I'll write a show tonight."

"I hope I do it right."

"I could take this mixed up

world and put it in a show."

"I'll write a show alright."

"And I'll have it by tonight."

"All I need is a theatre space

and a bag of weed and a star."

"A star!"

"Great!"

"Good job, Sarah. I'm writing a whole show for tonight.

I don't even have a star. Who's gonna be my star?"

"She's gotta be pretty and

she's gotta be smart."

"She's gotta be funny and

she's gotta be hot."

"She's gotta have a perfect

smile just like me."

"I just need a star

but who could it be?"

"Julia Roberts?"

"Nah."

"Nicole Kidman?"

"Are you kidding, man?"

"Sandra Bullock?"

"Sandra Bullock."

"She's gotta be the kind of

girl that blows your mind,"

"She ought to be better than

those three twats combined."

"She's gotta have a thing

that you just can't define."

Me.

It's me.

You are beautiful.

No.

Not like this.

Alright.

I'll do it.

"I got what it takes. Got what it needs.

Got what a show needs."

"I, I'll show them more, little of me.

I'm what the world needs."

"Hear the train coming

it's coming for me."

"I'm going to Star Town."

"Hear the train coming it's coming for me."

"I'm gonna be a star now."

I'm a comedian, that's what I do.

How do we become whatever

it is that we become?

How is he a lawyer,

how is she a hooker?

How are we whatever

it is we become?

I think what it is, it's like

as we grow up from child.

You know. In our childhood we have all these disfunctions and

they kind of... they melt together and they form a formula.

An individual formula,

it drives us to be whatever it is.

We're driven to be, you know. For comedians

it's definitely like any kind of humiliation, you know.

I know for me.

I was a bad wetter willing to my teens. And continue

to have a bevy of, you know, unwanted hairs. And I...

I was raped by a doctor, which is

a so bitter-sweet for a Jewish girl.

Thank you.

I knew something good

would come out of that.

Out of rape.

I am...

I wear this saint Christopher medal sometimes because

I'm Jewish but my boyfriend is Catholic and it was just....

It was cute the way he gave it to me, you know.

He said if it doesn't burn through my skin it will protect me.

Who cares. Different religions,

you know. I mean...

I guess if you in time with an issue, I suppose

would be like if you're having a baby...

You got to figure out like how

you wanna raise your baby.

...or whatever, you know. Which wouldn't even still

not be an issue for us because we'd be honest, you know...

... and just say, you know like Mammy

is one of the chosen people and ...

... and daddy believes

that Jesus is magic.

That's not nice.

You know Jesus is magic you know

because he turn water to wine and he...

I think he made the

Stature of Liberty disappear.

... or something.

You know that Jews got all,

you know they don't want.

But then Jesus movie came out, you know,

and but now the Jews didn't want people to see it.

Because they felt...

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ

and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans.

I'm one of the few people that

believes it was the blacks.

I don't care. Good. I hope the Jews did kill Christ.

I'd do it again, I'd f***ing do it again on the second.

By here is breaking stocks clacking.

This way.

My boyfriend and I were on like second or

third stage, you know, we're like...

...we're finally comfortable.

You know around.

Like I'm finally comfortable enough to pee in front

of my boyfriend, which is so great, you know.

Cause now I'm gonna try

it in the bathroom.

And...

...we take showers together

and you know it's really...

I guarantee if you take a shower with your boyfriend, by the time

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