Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic Page #2

you step out of that shower your breasts will be sparkling clean.

Sparkle in.

I was licking jelly out of my boyfriend's

penis and all of a sudden...

...all of a sudden I'm thinking "Oh my God,

I'm turning into my mother."

You know it's like...

Those clues. You know.

Of becoming our parents. It's scary.

So scary.

Try to get that lilts like that.

It's a fun. What if fun cut.

So scary.

Can I steal you for a minute?

Like that kind of voice.

I'm so into that.

I don't know why it's fun.

Can I steal you for a minute?

I'm on a birth control pill.

Cause I do a lot of f***ing.

But I want like I wanna try something else,

because it's really hormonian and...

I'm always looking... I'm always asking my

friends what they use for birth control.

...take a little poll, like I ask my friend

Charlie what he and his wife use for birth controlling.

He said he just cums

all over her face.

I'm gonna try that.

He has kids already. My boyfriend, he has kids. I mean theyre like...

He's got a boy and a girl, theyre nine and eleven. And theyre great.

You know what, he actually made them those

ages to commemorate 911, which I hate.

You know it has a lot more than a pin.

I always think like I should get on it

if I wanna have kids. I just...

You know, once you had thirty you know you've got to decide fast

Cause it can be difficult to conceive, it can be dangerous.

And the best time to have a baby

is when you're black teenager.

I'm not like a hoydie-toydie kind of girl.

I dont wanna jewels. I'm not like...

I don't really... I'm not into jewelry or anything.

I'm such a hypocrite.

There's a jewel that I think is ...

I guess I'm in such a jap.

There is one jewel that I think is stunning. That I...

It's just like a classic. By jap I mean Japanese.

But it's a... It's just gorgeous. You know.

And it's really... Its rare.

You know it's only found like on the tip of

the tailbone of Ethiopian babies.

They debone the babies.

I know that sounds so bad

when you say it out aloud.

But no, if you saw it...

So worth it.

You know it's like...

How do I even describe it like a...

...like if a diamond had

that newborn baby smell.

I have a moral issue with it obviously cause they're

treating the unions that debone the babies really bad.

Pick your battles I guess. It's so cute.

I can't wait till Sunday I'm gonna see my

favorite niece and my other niece.

I shouldn't have favorites, I know I shouldn't but I just

can't help that she is crazy about me and I just love that in people.

And I can make her laugh so easily. I've always been able

to make her laugh. Like literally since she was a baby.

I could make her laugh, which is so great.

And you know what babies love.

Ethnic jokes.

She came out of the closet

recently, my niece.

Announced to the family that she is a lesbian.

She is seven. Did I mention that?

And I don't even know she knows what a

lesbian is. But I support her completely.

I'll tell you it's heartbreaking.

My sister punished her for it.

Can you believe that?

No p*ssy for a week.

Which to us may not sound likable, but when you're seven.

You know, week is a long time. You know. It's like...

She goes to a school where the kids are not

allowed to play tag on the playground.

And the reason that they give is that they say, you know,

if a kid loses a tag it could give him low self-esteem.

First of all it's f***ing retarded. Okay.

And, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't say that.

And by retarded I mean,

they can do anything.

I think self-esteem is born out of things like,

you know, I don't know preserving pasts...

...losing, you know, or getting through disappointment. Like that.

Maybe we should be giving these kids a reason to win.

We should be giving them motivation....

...you know, to win.

I tell my niece every time she

loses a tag an angel get AIDS.

For instance.

You have to speak her language.

You know what I mean.

I tell her, you know, that a beautiful angel...

...gets full blown-ins.

And you know what, she wins.

So think about that.

I tell her that when God gives you AIDS...

When God does give you

AIDS by the way? I don't know.

Make lemonades.

It's called, it's positive spin. You know.

I mean it's...

That's what we should steal

from corporate America, you know.

That's what we should steal, one positive

thing we should take from the man, you know.

Is positive spin. The whole idea of taking something terrible,

something tragic and spin it up into something good.

And if American Airlines were smart their slogan would be:

"American Airlines - first through the towers."

Because it is something in which

they came firsts. Right?

Right.

Obviously I'm not trying to be literal

of the events of the September 11.

They were devastating. And

they were beyond devastating.

You know, I dont wanna say especially for

these people or especially for these people.

But especially for me.

Because it happened to be the same exact day that

found out that the soy cholate is like 900 calories.

I had been drinking them everyday.

Cause you hear soy.

You know you think healthy.

And it's a lie.

But it was also the day we were attacked.

Devastating.

Remember the rage, you know. And then

there is no place to put it. Where do you put it?

I'll tell you what I did

- domain names.

I bought OsamaBinLaden.com,

OsamaBinLaden.net, OsamaBinLaden.org.

And who's he gotta come to, big ass.

Guess what, it's not for sale.

Looks like you're gonna have to be Osama 1.

And then who is laughing last - America.

America is.

Was a tough year for me, I actually... it was the

same year I suit my manager for sexual harassment.

which, I don't know if you know anything

about show business, but something that...

...boy, you know for a struggling actress to

suit her manager out here in Hollywood

It's something that ...

It takes a lot of guts to do. You know.

Especially because he didn't do anything.

We were in Scotland for a tress camp.

The whole agency went.

Oh Jesus!

- That's horrible. What happened?

- What the f*** is this, Karl?

You got fire.

What?

What!?

Wochie water.

I'm f***ing jam this up somebody's ass.

I mean come on Sarah.

You asked for it.

I asked you for use your jam up your own ass, Karl.

Would you ask me for it?

Fidgy water! I only drink Fidgy water

Did you ask for Fidgy water?

Cause I'll...

Okay, now I'm mad.

Now you got me mad.

I don't drink this water.

It tastes thick.

Listen to me. I would break down

walls for you okay?

I will go into my guy's office and I will personally,

you know, masturbate him into a cup for you.

Is that what you want?

What do you want me to do?

You wanna me go liposuction Herbie Weinstein...

...and give you some of his fat?

What is it you dream of?

I wanna be a part of a Sarah's dream.

I want you to take your dreams and

I want you to use me as a tool.

And I want you to carve your

dreams out of wood, real wood.

Oak.

And then I want you to...

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