Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic Page #3

...deepen in what you lack.

So they never change.

Never change.

What did the agency

send you for the show?

I told them to send you a gift.

Cheese in sausage platter.

Cheese in sausage?

I wanna take this.

I have an early morning meeting.

Best part of a strawberry.

Best part.

Are you ready to do the show?

No I'm not ready to do the show, because

I can't even lubricate my f*** damn throat.

- You know what.

- I'm gonna call...

I'm gonna call Gogie Water and

I'm gonna get mad at myself.

I'll get my phone number.

I wish I had my cell.

No, you know what, Karl. Forget it.

Right. You just have my

f***ing understudy do it.

You're up for a show?

Get out there and knock them dead, alright?

This is so gay. I just promised myself that I'm...

..totally should stop the show for a second...

But I just promised myself that I would...

...dedicate this performance to my nana.

Who although this mean I'll be your cup of tea specifically.

But she was very supportive of me.

And we were very close.

And she passed away a year ago.

This is for you nana.

I'm sorry.

She was ninety-six so obviously

I suspect fowl play.

I am spending my own money and

I'm getting her body exhumed.

And I am going to get a

full rape exam performed.

And I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

And my parents are not behind me.

What else is new?

They never are.

They don't believe in me.

So they're wrong this time.

That sucks for them.

Oh God please let them find semen in

my dead grandmother's vagina.

My sh*t and I'm sorry

and that belongs offstage.

"Can you blow your old nose,

can you tie your own shoe?"

"If you had go grey once would

you even know what to do?"

"When you make the duty is it in your pants?"

"Or trousers as they suddenly damp?"

"Are you mad because your grandson is gay?"

"Is it a bummer that your pubes are all grey?"

"When you clear your throat

is it really disgusting?"

"Does it go on for hours and miles?"

"You're gonna die soon,

you're gonna die soon."

"It's not cold in here you're just dying."

"You're gonna die soon,

you're gonna die soon."

"You in the back, you are dying soon."

"You're gonna die soon,

you're gonna die soon."

"We're all gonna die but

not as soon as you, guys."

"You're gonna die, you're gonna die.

You're dying."

"Do you think I'm lazy?"

"That's hilarious."

"You're seen around,

dye your hair and take drugs."

"The more you shrink,

the bigger your mouth gets."

"It drives me crazy how you chew your vomits."

"You told me you hated my perve."

"I've been within you."

"Pick up your prescription.

I'm not your candyman. Bagabooms."

"You're gonna die soon,

you're gonna die. You're dying."

I'm just sensitive and my skin is peeper thin.

And people don't realize that

cause I'm sassy and I'm brassy.

But I am... I just...

You know I see care commercials with these

little kids with the giant bellies and the flies.

And these are one and two

year-old babies, you know.

Nine months pregnant.

It breaks my heart in two.

It breaks my heart in half.

And I don't give money cause I don't

want them to spend it on drugs.

I give.

You know I give.

You know, I mean I dispass summer sent

15 really fun sweaters to this village in Africa.

In really fun colors.

Expecting nothing by the way.

They called their money together,

whatever they call it.

And bought a stamp and sent

me a postcard, thanking me.

And it's a, you know, "Thank you".

That day we had enough sweaters for

every single member of the village to get one.

And that they were delicious.

I am working on an open

letter and it goes like this

'Guess what, Martin Luther King.

I had a f***ing dream too.

I had a dream that I was in my living-room. It wasn't my

living room, but it was like play in my living room in the dream.

And I walk through to the backyard and

there's a pool and as I'm diving in there's a shark...

...coming up from the water with braces.'

So maybe you're no so f***ing special.

Martin Looser King.

Yeah.

I wanna be the first comic ever

to sh*t on Martin Luther King.

People only talk about the good things.

They don't mention he was a litterbug.

He would lock...

He'd roll up all the windows and lock

them and fart in the car with the heat up.

Well his family suffered

and he would laugh.

I just think people

should know everything.

Before they give someone a day.

I'm a comic I've something to say.

That's the difference.

Learnmedy, that's what I call it.

When I was a...

When I was little I saw my father's

penis by accident and I just...

I wasn't scarred by now but I think it really

affected me just because I was so young.

You know. And so drunk.

I did...

This is f***ed up.

When I was in high school I went out with my

father's best friend and that's embarrassing, you know.

My father having a fourteen

year old best friend.

It's like the way you treat your kids. You know the

way you raise them it forms everything they become.

All the hang-ups or

whatever they had.

I went to get some water, I went to liquor

store down the street to get some water.

Some delicious Fidgy water actually.

Which for some reason just tastes better.

And as I'm walking in. There's a

man standing outside of the door.

Leutering outside the door. And as

I walk by he goes 'I want p*ssy'.

First of all I'm not considered or

anything I just... But he, you know...

He was talking to me.

He definitely was talking to me

and he was like 'I want p*ssy'.

I think it was more like 'I want p*ssy'.

I can't do these accents.

The point is I had every reason to be offended, to be

angry, you know, or whatever, but I felt sorry for him.

It made me sad, because

he was so obvious to me.

That this is the person who grew up, who was a child you know,

whose mother and father probably never gave him any p*ssy.

You got to think before you judge people.

There's the point. Because it's a cycle.

I have a joke to that part but. Anyway.

The point I'm trying to say is

that kids need role models.

They need adults in their lives that they can mold their own lives after.

Otherwise they gonna grow up and they're gonna be f***ed up.

Look at strippers.

Right? Strippers should be

role models for little girls.

If only for the fact that

they wax their a**holes.

I don't have the guts.

And I don't think a lot of you do either.

You excluded, sir.

They deserve the purple heart

for that, the purple a**hole.

I have never... I mean the closest I've ever come to

waxing my a**hole is once I got it washed and styled.

They say, you know, strippers,

they end up being in porn.

It's like a gateway job to porn.

I don't know.

What you gonna do?

I'd never do it. And I could if

I wanted to up in approached.

Or if I did it would be purely,

you know, for political reasons...

...because I do not think there are enough

Jewish women represented in porn.

F*** my tokus!

I'm a bad Jew.

I'm a dirty Jew.

F***ing dirty Jew.

F*** my f***ing tokus.

We have fun.

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