Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic Page #4

Can I steal you?

People think Jewish women aren't sexy.

That's such a bullshit, you know.

Put on a sexy neglige.

I have a long neck, that's probably one of my best

features. Out of many good features. But it's...

I've a very swan-like neck.

And my neck is actually six inches long,

completely flaccid.

I am cheating. I'm measuring

from the base of my balls.

I was watching a porn and it was like series of vignettes and this one

scene featured Ron Jeremy, very famous pornographic lesbian.

And he, in the scene he's

masturbating on to a lady.

But I noticed that his pinky was out.

And found out why he does that. I found out why he

masturbates with his pinky out. It's because he's classy.

I'd like to sing a song.

If I may. With your permission.

This is a song dedicated to all the porn

actors and porn actresses out there..

I know that my guitar is Steve.

Did porn for a wile, gay porn.

Ladies it was work, it was a job.

Trust me, but...

I was in gafro.

You got gafroed all over your face.

But seriously, let's take it down a second.

Jennifer, can we take it down,

get some mood light in here?

Wow, sexy. Sexy lighting.

This is a song... Is there anything on me at all?

"You give yourself to all lovers."

"Sharing all your liquidness."

"Temporary happiness."

"It's you."

"There's a hole in your butt.

Where the duty comes out."

"There's a hole in your butt

where the penis goes in."

"Your vagina had so many penises in, that you might

as well talk about the times they were not in it."

"Just roll on the times

that are more unique."

"Do you ever take drugs so that

you can have sex without crying?"

"Do you ever take drugs so that

you can have sex without crying?"

"There's a dream in your head that will never come true.

There's a sticking this all over and it didn't come from you."

"You wish your dad had been there but more often times he was not.

You can't put your arms around the dirty gang-bang cumshot."

"But that's all you get."

"That's all you get."

"Do you ever take drugs so that

you can have sex without crying?"

"Do you ever take drugs so that

you can have sex without crying?"

"There's a hole in your heart where the sorrow poures out.

There's a hole in your heart where ambivalence sets in."

"All the penises in the country."

"All the penises in the world."

"All the penises in the galaxy."

"Want your hard hole"

Thank you.

Thank you for this Silverman.

You know who has a tiny vagina?

Barbie.

Not Klaus Barbie.

The anthem is Nazi.

Okay.

Nazis are assholoes.

And I'll be the first one to say it.

Some edgy.

Nazis are motherfucking

a**hole wipes, d*cks.

They cute when theyre little. I will get that.

You're so cute. Why can they be so small?

I always know when its Hitler's birthday.

Cause they announced it on Entertainment Tonight.

Right before they got a commercial,

you see like a silhouette.

And then they say, you know,"This man is

responsible for the deaths of six million Jews."

Is it Ted Danson?

Patrick Doughy?

My niece is... my lesbian niece, they all families for

a Julian. She goes to hebrew school and loves it.

And she called me up and she's like, you know

"Aunt Sarah, did you know that Hitler killed sixty million Jews?"

And I corrected her and said you know,

I think he is responsible for killing six million Jews.

And she said "Oh yes, six million, I knew that

but seriously, I mean what's the difference?"

The difference is sixty million

is unforgivable, young lady.

Kids, you know.

Try to figure them out.

I can't. Who could?

My nana was a survivor of the Holocaust.

I'm sorry, alleged Holocaust.

And he had the tattoo, you know, the number and thank

God she was at one of the better concentration camps.

She had a vanity number,

it's said a... "Bedazzled."

Just kind of fun.

You know I don't understand the...

... Jewish people who

drive German cars.

It's so...

It's not a secret. that companies like Mercedes and

BMW and you know, Hitler commissioned Volkswagen.

These are companies that

built cars for the Nazi war affair.

Jewish people who drive German cars it's so gay.

It's just gay.

And on the other side of the thing there's companies,

you know, there's Mercedes, companies like that who...

Boy, you know, if they could have only had the foresight,

if they only could have seen into the future.

The kind of business, you know, the amount of

money they'd be making from Jewish consumers.

I don't know, maybe they'd help not

killed the Jews. But, you know...

Instead they helped, facilitated genocide of a people

who would ultimately become their best customers.

Any Jew will tell you it's just

bad business, you know.

And now I feel preachy. But I just ...

I really believe this to be true.

I believe that if black people were in Germany during World War 2,

that the Holocaust would have never happened. I do, you know.

Or not to Jews.

I got in trouble for saying the word 'chink' on

a talk show. On the network talk show.

It was in the context of a joke, you know.

Obviously that would be weird.

I'd be like a really bad career choice.

But nevertheless the president of an Asian-American watched

our group out here in Los Angeles. His name is Guy Ayoki.

And he was up in arms about it. And he put

my name in all the papers, calling me a racist.

And it hurts. I mean as a Jew, as a

member of the Jewish community...

...I was really concerned that

we're loosing control of the media.

I'm right. I mean like what kind of world do we live in, where

a totally cute white girl can't say chink on network television?

It's like the 50's.

It's scary.

There are only two Asian people that I

know that I have any problem with, at all.

One is Guy Ayoki, the other is my friend

Steve who actually went pee-pee in my coke.

He's all 'Me Chinese, me play joke'

If you have to explain it,

Steve, it's not funny.

It's not funny.

We have to break it down.

You have to be able

to laugh at yourself. So...

It's what I tell Asian people all the time.

They don't listen.

Midgets. You know the politically correct

word for 'midget' is 'little person'.

Which just tickles me because it's like the only politically correct

word that actually more insulting than the original one.

Midgets don't like being called 'little people'.

They much prefer 'Yes you are!'

Thank you for laughing at that.

I appreciate it.

I always feel crappy when I do that joke.

It gets such a good laugh.

I just feel like. What did midgets ever do?

You know as a people to deserve to be marked.

Theyre human beings born extra crazy small.

I don't think like anybody here thinks

we should make fun of midgets.

But we do anyway.

I think it's because...

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets.

We're not afraid of them.

That's what it always boils down to,

cross the board.

I mean, I had a joke with the word

'n*gger' in it, that I thought was so edgy.

And so hip.

I was doing it all over town at comedy

clubs and I was at one this one club...

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