Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic Page #5

...doing my show and I look in a front

row and a whole front table is black people.

Or African American people.

And you know what?

He was half and half.

I'm pretty sure.

But the point is I didn't do the joke.

And you get ask yourself, is that an

edgy joke or is that the racist joke?

I didn't do it cause I was afraid of them.

I didn't.

And I ended up changing that joke to chinks.

So you live and you learn

and hopefully you grow.

I was going... I was about to go on a talk show and talk about that whole

kind of idea how we make fun of people that we're not afraid of.

But we refrain from making fun

of people we... that scare us.

And I was about to go on and a segment

producer came over to me and he said.

You know, instead of

n*ggers say the N word.

And I said, great, what do you want me to

say for chink? And he said 'Say chink.'

Why?

I'd like to sing a song for you now.

It's twisted.

A love song.

Oh sh*t.

I did that on rehearsal too, I forgot and the guy,

one of the guys working in a back said 'Plug it in'.

And I said "Yeah, we will f***ing rip it up".

Plug it in.

One, two, three, four.

"I love you more than bears love honey."

"I love you more than Jews love money."

"I love you more than Asians are good at math."

"I love you even if it's not hip."

"I love you more than black people don't tip."

"I love you more than Puerto Ricans need baths."

"I love you more than girls love dolls."

"I love you more than dogs love balls."

"I love you more than the white stuff in us it."

"I love you like Gary Busey."

"I love you more than Dikes love p*ssy."

"I love you more than my

after show monster bone heap."

"Jewish people driving German cars."

"Jewie people buying German cars."

"What the cock is that sh*t?"

"But maybe it's like take back for night."

"Maybe it's like a bleeding hearts

grow old and swing to the right."

"Maybe it's like when a f*ggot

calls himself a f*ggot."

"Jewish people driving German cars."

"It's the opposite of foo-boo."

"But maybe it's Patty Herst siding with her kidnappers, maybe it's

like African miner killing diamond-bering gangster robbers."

"Maybe it's like when blackeyes

calls each other n*ggers."

"Cha-cha-cha."

My friend Ryan Lynch came for me tonight. We got drunk and...

he got drunk I don't drink, but I think I... something happened.

I dared him to deep his balls into

his drink for a dollar, for a second.

And would not do it.

I just thought it'd be funny if he like,

I don't know, play... like pleate them in.

He wouldn't do it. I just think it's interesting,

like I know exactly why he wouldn't do it.

And this is interesting. He wouldn't do it because

he knew if he put them in his drink and they floated...

...we would know that his balls are bewitched.

And I just... love that, you know.

I love like getting into the psychology of people.

I did not lose my virginity until was 26.

And that's true.

19 vaginally.

But 26, you know, what my

boyfriend calls the 'real way'.

You know what, that's a f***ing

disgusting joke. And I don't do that.

That's a fictional.

That's a joke, I mean I don't...

That's f***ing nasty. And I don't...

My a**hole is...

It's totally for decoration.

It's like an appendix.

I tell people that I was shocked.

I am...

And my friend Mike was... he was like on last night

'Oh, you know, it's not disgusting, it's natural.'

It's like trying to sell me on it being natural.

First of all duty comes out of there, okay.

And second of all f***ing

duty comes out of here.

I don't need two reasons

when duties involved.

I'm like going off and then remember

as I'm talking that Mike is gay.

And I now have to backpedal and say like 'no,

your a**hole is like your vagina. That's totally cool'.

I think on my figs, I'm a comedian.

And he took me to the gay march this year and it was blast,

I haven't been there before. And it's so fun and it's just crazy.

I just don't want... like I don't wanna

be labeled as straight or labbled as gay.

I just want people to look at me and see me.

You know that's white.

I can say that, by the way, cause I used

to go out with a guy who was half black.

Who totally broke up with me.

Cause I'm a f***ing loser.

I just heard myself say that.

I'm such a pessimist.

It was a worst attitude. He's a half-white.

And he totally broke up with me.

And it's funny now, like what is it? King size 20-20 or whatever.

Like I know it so obvious to me now why he broke up with me.

Cause he has so f***ing low self esteem.

And I can't compete with that, like everybody knows somebody

who... it's like anything you say to them they gonna take it.

They gonna hear it in the most negative way.

You know what I mean.

And he was like. You could give him...

Like I gave him a compliment, alright. I told him he probably

would have made like a really expensive slave.

Like in the olden time days.

Not now.

What does he do? Right. It goes through the roobe gold

berg, you know craziest straw of his low self esteem.

And it hit his ear and he

heard something. F***ed up.

I can't control that.

Like I can't control what he hears.

He has to learn how to love himself.

Before I can stop hating his people.

As a people.

I don't care if you think I'm racist.

I just want you to think I'm thin.

I do talk a little bit about race.

The important thing its like the...

Like if I based my material on stereotypes.

That would be messed up. It would.

But I don't. Okay. I base it on facts.

Fact the SAT test, the test that basically

decides whether you go to college or not.

Is called truly byest towards Caucasians.

That's a fact. Okay, I heard that somewhere.

Fact...

It the year 2004 women still get paid 70 cents

to every dollar a men gets paid. And that's a fact.

Okay. Fact, every 30 seconds in this country a person of color jumps

up and down and waves their arms behind a local news reporter.

Fact.

I went out with the Mexican man. Do racist people

go out with Mexican men? I don't think so.

No, they're filthy.

It's so hard like... I feel about like it's jokes. You know like

this woman came up to me last night a she was Mexican and...

...she was so irate, you know she was so angry. And ahe came

up to me ad she said 'You know I'm Mexican and I don't stink'

And it's just broke my heart. Like I had to

explain to her like you can't smell yourself.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you so much. And we would

love to, and I mean the royal We,

leave you with a song.

Something inspirational to live with.

Amazing grace.

"Amazing grace how sweet it sounds.

That save the rash like me."

"I once was lost but now I'm found.

Was blind but now I see."

"It was grace that taught my heart to fear.

And grace my fears relieved."

"A precious day that grace appeared

the hour I first believed."

"Amazing grace, how sweet it sounds,

that save the rash like me."

"I once was lost but now

I'm found, was blind by now I..."

"Was blind by now I'm..."

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