Satanic

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1

Former New York socialite

Judith Case and John Raymond

are joined by Satan in unholy wedlock

before a live altar, a nude red head.

Self-ordained sorcerer,

Minister Anton LaVey

presided at

the San Francisco ceremony.

As the worst man looks on,

the blessings of Lucifer

and Beelzebub are invoked.

The elaborate rites smacked

of publicity because next day,

the bride and groom secured

a conventional wedding license.

Two days in LA to go on

my dark tour. David has to handle it.

Two days!

Cannot believe I agreed

to this sh*t.

Chlo, you wanna hit off this J?

No, I'm good, thanks.

Hey, will you open

a f***ing window?

LA, spread your legs.

So tired, I can barely get high.

Too dark.

Keeps burning

through that memory, Chlo.

You guys are like

a f***ing Apple commercial.

Devil face.

Oh, my God, that was so KISS.

Knights In Satan's Service.

KISS worshiped p*ssy, not Satan.

- Hey, don't we all?

- I hate that word.

What? Seth said it, not me.

Hit him anyway, Chlo, they love it.

Where the f*** are we?

Good evening, Los Angeles.

And we are officially lost.

Damn it.

The arrow shows Flower.

Is this Flower?

No, this is Santa Fe.

Hey, should we get back

on the highway?

Are you sure you had the GPS on?

I don't know, do I?

Nope, 'cause I'm an idiot.

Ah... ha-ha, there she is.

Welcome back, Kim.

I'm sorry, you call her Kim?

Don't ask.

Okay, hello to you, too.

Junkies and whores.

Welcome to La La Land, darling.

Right, there it is.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Yes.

Elise Stevens.

Two nights, right?

Yeah, and specifically

requested room 204.

Laney Gore bled on the floor in 204.

- That's the sh*t, bro.

- So the sh*t.

Who the hell's Laney Gore?

One of many surprises

we have in store.

!' Play nice.

I am playing nice.

Laney!

- Oh, my God.

- Wow.

- Smell that asbestos.

- Oh, wow.

Nice. What a sh*t hole.

Oh, my God. Look at this.

Seth, I think

this is where it happened.

- Matches the photograph, right?

- Yeah.

Hey, this isn't a suite,

it's a dump.

Why did we pay an extra 20?

Room 204.

Laney Gore slit her throat here.

- What?

- Yep.

1972. One of the early sisters

of LaVey's Church of Satan.

Check out the bloodstains

like wet paint.

Oh, my God. It is the same.

David, look.

Yeah. F***ing awesome.

Hey, why are we here

and not Coachella?

Because Chloe's my best friend

and you're on her leash. Okay?

- And you're on mine, b*tch.

- You wish, b*tch.

Hey, you guys

really want to stay here?

- Yeah.

- Darling, this is why we came.

Right?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

David, are you okay with this?

- He can't hear you.

- He's sleeping.

Get back here!

Oh, my savior.

Nice neighbors we have.

Yeah, this place

is a squatter's paradise.

You get a needle at check-in.

Anything?

I thought I felt something

a while ago, but...

Yeah. Well, maybe that

was just Milton Bradley

- pocketing your 20 bucks.

- I felt something.

- I swear to God.

- Ask it something.

Hello.

Who are you?

Are you Laney Gore?

What do you decree?

"What do you decree?"

Hey.

Oh, my God, Seth,

you're totally doing that.

I'm not.

What do you want? What do you want?

What do you want?

"B"

"BJ."

Oh, my God, it's like

we're thinking the same thing!

Seth! You little f***ing prick!

F***ing goth troll.

- Yeah, my goth troll.

- Bullshit.

Come on, it's cool.

It's not cool,

nobody's taking this seriously!

Okay. Sorry, your bullshit

Satanic tourism,

- I have to take this seriously?

- It's not Satanic tourism,

it's about understanding

the dark natures.

Wow, that's very

Aleister Crowley of you.

You know what? F*** you, David.

If you didn't wanna do this,

why'd you come?

To get a BJ.

Hey, I've got that

department covered.

Oh, do you?

If you guys are gonna

sh*t around all weekend,

maybe we should just

blow this whole thing off

and go to Coachella.

This isn't bullshit for me, okay?

I mean, would it kill you, David,

to open your f***ing mind

and be a free spirit?

I swear to God, I can't deal

with this frat-boy sh*t!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Tension release.

We'll have our coffee.

And from now on they'll behave.

Come on, it's Spring Break.

Come on, LA for two nights,

and then Coachella, right?

Look, we're on board.

Our minds are open.

Yeah?

So... you tell me. What's the plan?

All righty.

- Everybody get together.

- Mm-hm.

- Come on!

- Ow!

- Cheer up!

- Yeah.

- 'Kay? This is where Satan lives.

- Okay. This is happening.

Oh... Cute.

Check out the cross, it's kick-ass.

It's cool.

Oh, my God.

We love your look.

They're friendly.

Hey!

Uh... Dude, uh, we're trying

to find the Sharon Tate house...

F*** off.

Yeah, well, f*** you, too!

Colossal waste of time, take two.

Sick. I'm gonna use this

as my screen saver.

Color-tone the sh*t out of it.

Hey, did we ever find out

where her house is?

Go suck cock, b*tch.

David, no.

Yeah, go suck

the devil's cock, b*tch!

Oh, my God. Good one, Dave.

- F***er loogied all over my window.

- Welcome to LA.

- No sh*t!

- This city sucks.

All right. First ones here.

Only ones here.

Sorry, why are we not at a

taping of Two and A Half Men?

Chloe, can you keep his negative

energy away from me, please?

And, David, that shitty show's

been canceled.

Just like the photos.

Insanely awesome.

Oh, my God. Were people

really murdered here?

Bloody and cold.

Seth, we got to find a way

around the back.

Yeah.

Can you get the hell

out of the way?

Dick.

Wow, Dave,

you're just an a**hole magnet.

Yeah, no sh*t. I'm here with you.

Oh, my God. Dave, do you ever

get tired of being wrong?

Oh, you gotta be

- f***ing kidding me.

- Mm-hmm.

All right. Yeah.

They came this way about ten PM,

up the hill, to the backyard.

Big-ass hill. Jesus,

what were they? Sherpas?

Why'd they do it?

Manson thought some record

producer that f***ed him over

was still living here.

He was actually the target.

Wrong place, wrong time, eh?

On steroids.

Slit her stomach open.

- She was f***in' pregnant.

- Seth!

Oh, my God, it's so pretty.

I know,

that's what makes it so creepy.

Seth, get a picture of us.

Chloe!

- I don't want to.

- Chloe.

No. Fine.

- Say "Charlie."

- Charlie.

Yep. Totally worth it.

1641 Cahuenga.

Okay.

So, now we're touring porn shops.

Nah, dick,

they just don't advertise.

Call me a dick again, Seth...

Dude. Dave.

You gotta chill, bro.

He's right. You need to chill.

Chlo, do you know how much sh*t

we're missing right now?

It's almost over.

I'm just saying.

She's your cousin. Okay?

I barely tolerate her

and I don't like Seth.

- David.

- Seriously.

They don't even offer gas money.

Oh, my God, will you guys

f***ing grow a pair?

Seriously. Hell, f***.

Oh, I have a pair, Morticia.

Big pair.

Blow my f***ing mind.

Oh, how spine-tingly awesome.

Seth, check it out.

Mmm... incantations.

Check it out.

How wet are you right now?

Oh.

That's rad.

Boo!

- A bad hand-job.

- Good one, Dave.

- Is it real?

- It's mummified.

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