Satanic Page #2

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Taken from the body

of a convicted child murderer.

Killed a ten year-old girl

back in Modesto in '85.

Satanic Panic.

Cases like this all over

Southern Cali, right?

The Panic was a myth.

This a**hole was a killer

and a pedophile.

Satan had nothing to do with it.

Yet, here he is,

on display in your shop.

- Yo, how much?

- Not for sale.

What about this?

- You know Coptic Greek?

- I can read.

You need the accent

for the incantations.

It wouldn't work for you.

A**hole.

Well, I guess you're not

ready for the Dark Embrace.

You see his tattoo?

Yeah, upside down cross.

Very original.

Out.

Yeah, yeah. It's cool.

- Now, f***er!

- Or what?

Are you gonna

spill some pig's blood on me?

No, just cut your f***ing heart out.

Hey... Place is horseshit.

All right. Let's go.

Poser dick fucks. Shop sucks.

Well, that went splendidly.

I'm gonna burn this place on Yelp.

Enough of this sh*t.

We're doing the Starline Tour.

Dave at the wheel.

- I hate your van, Dave.

- It hates you.

I'm serious, it was like a shrine.

It had goats' eyes

and dried intestines.

Oh, my God. Are we still

in that little Satan shop?

It's a sacrificial circle.

They give gifts to Lucifer,

in turn, he grants power.

Wow. Goat eyes and pig balls.

The gifts that keep on giving.

We should head back there.

Follow him and see where he goes.

Probably back to his mom's basement.

Seth's right. We should follow him.

- What, are you serious?

- Come on, it'll be fun.

I guarantee

it'll lead somewhere dark.

You can't just tail someone

for fun. There are laws.

Yeah, talk to Google about that.

Nancy Drew did it all the time,

nobody gave her sh*t.

I'd say we're more like

that Scooby gang

with this piece-of-sh*t van.

Dude, I paid 1,200 cash with

140,000 miles in that engine,

- and it kicks your f***ing goth ass.

- Such a piece of sh*t.

Insult that van one more time,

we will have serious words.

Maybe we should just check out

and head to Coachella.

Oh, Chlo, stop being a b*tch.

She's not a b*tch... she's lame.

Hey, that a**hole had a blade on him,

who knows what those people are into.

I thought he lives

in his mom's basement?

It doesn't mean he's not a wacko.

Hey, Chloe, come on.

The guy's a total puss.

Oh, with a devil shrine

in the back room?

Yeah, well, one devil shrine

does not a douchebag make.

Honestly, these people probably

circle-jerk to Marilyn Manson

- and call it a day.

- Okay, let's put it to a vote.

Who wants to follow numbnuts

to his little tree fort

of demonic possession?

Yeah!

- David.

- What?

Babe, I'm sorry, I love you,

but I need a little excitement.

Chloe, you're out-voted.

Terribly sorry.

Yay, we're going spying!

Yes!

Hey, if you don't wanna go,

we won't go.

David's right, you owe gas money.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

Yo, here.

Thank you.

F***ing peer pressure.

Come here, darling.

Tongue!

Use your tongue.

Tongue!

David. David.

They're heading out.

Hey, guys, they're heading out.

Oh, that f***in'

bald-headed piece of sh*t.

F***ing bald motherf***er.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, he's gonna

get away! Come on.

Yeah, the hell they are.

Go, go, go, yo, yo, yo!

- Hey, don't lose him.

- Floor it, Dave!

Floor it, Dave!

He just ran the red.

Hold on, I'm blowin' through it.

Yeah! No fear! No fear!

Yeah, that's right, b*tch,

I know how to tail.

They're in the right.

Right, right, right.

- Turning right.

- I see him, grommet.

Seth, he sees him.

I think they're headed

towards the coast.

Yep, that is exactly

where they're going.

Dave, I find myself apologizing.

This van actually does kick my ass.

Dude, it's a stealth f***ing fighter.

God, I'm loving their black tint.

Maybe they're vampires.

Ha! No sh*t, right?

- How much fun is this?

- Yes!

Hey, yo, not to spoil

the moment or anything,

but does anyone know what the f***

we're gonna do once we stop?

That's what makes it

so much fun, Dave.

- No idea.

- Okay.

Yo.

Dude, don't let them get away.

- I got 'em. I got 'em.

- I think we're in Malibu.

Posh Satanists.

Yeah. They probably

have a f***in' reality show.

This is exciting.

I'm, like, gonna pee.

Okay.

Now this feels like trespassing.

Let's go back.

David! David, kill the

headlights, they're gonna spot us.

F*** you, man. I can't see sh*t.

No, he's right. They'll spot us.

Damn it.

- F***, it's dark.

- Oh, sh*t.

Oh, f***.

- Damn, it's dark.

- F***.

You know,

I'm gonna drive us off this cliff,

I swear to Christ.

You're doing a good job, babe.

Oh. Check out this house.

Of course it's a sh*t hole.

- Pull over.

- All right, all right.

- They will see us.

- No, we're too far away.

All right, from here we walk.

Seth, there's a flashlight

on the floor.

Got it.

Shh, quiet.

Seth!

Hey!

I feel like we're trespassing.

This is wrong, guys.

Stop being a buzz kill.

Yeah. Hey, we'll just take

a little peek

and then we'll head out.

I mean, come on, you can't

tell me you're not curious.

- Sh*t.

- Are you okay?

Are you okay?

I ripped my f***ing

stockings! Cow sh*t...

It's not funny, d*ckhead.

- It's a little funny.

- Elise, it's hot.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Take you down right here.

- Piss off.

Shh! Get down, fucktards.

We should get a little closer.

Is that the cumball from the shop?

Yeah, that's cumball, all right.

- He had a knife on him.

- My God, I told you.

- We should get closer.

- No.

- Yeah.

- Come on. Come on.

- Let's do it. Let's go.

- All right. All right.

Oh, my God.

What are they playing?

Satanic rage.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Satan's children,

are you doing ecstasy?

- Must be a rave.

- Satanic ecstasy.

Can you see in there?

David, I can't see sh*t.

- Let's go in the back.

- Yeah.

- David!

- All right, all right.

Sh*t.

Robes. They're wearing f***ing robes.

Shh!

Just when it couldn't get

any more pathetic.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the world's worst Latin class.

No sh*t, right, what the hell

are they doing?

They're summoning

the spirit world.

You see the elemental signs

on the wall?

Are they written in blood?

- Magic marker.

- Good one, Dave.

I have my moments.

Oh, nice.

- Very nice.

- Seriously?

Hey, that's the freak

from the back room.

And probably the leader, right?

Yeah.

Oh... sh*t!

B*obs. We have boobies!

Okay. Now I'm starting

to understand the dark powers.

- Seriously?

- Sorry.

Oh, my God. David.

- Elise, what are they doing?

- I don't know.

- David.

- What the hell?

My God, David,

they're gonna cut her!

- We have to do something!

- Hey, Chlo, it's cool.

No!

Hey!

Hey, leave her the f*** alone!

- Sh*t! Go, go, go.

- He's got a gun!

Go, go!

That's it, a f***in' gun!

Go, go!

Sh*t, they're shooting

at us! Run! Run, run, run!

Chloe, hurry up. Come on, run!

- Come on, come on.

- Sh*t!

Get in! Get in!

Go, go, go!

Did they follow us?

No. I think we're okay.

Jesus Christ!

What the hell was that?

Grommet,

tell me you got that on video.

Oh, f***.

F***! F***, I dropped my phone

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