Saturday Morning Mystery

(STATIC)

(SCREAM)

I got nothin'.

(CHILD CRYING)

Was that a kid?

(CHILD CRYING)

I thought our ghost

was an escaped convict.

It is.

(DRIP)

It's blood.

CHAD:
Oh, Jesus.

Is it yours?

No.

Hamlet.

Hamlet, come on.

(FIGURE GROWLING)

(ALL GASPING)

CHAD:
Uh, guys?

GWEN:
(WHISPERING)

Shh, Chad.

(SCUTTLING)

(FIGURE GROWLING)

It's a projection.

(BABY CRIES)

What the sh*t?

Can I help you?

(WHINES)

NANCY:
There's no

such thing as ghosts.

Just cruddy old perverts,

politicians,

and real estate developers.

When we first got together,

we hunted ghosts.

Sometimes aliens,

moss monsters,

the occasional scary robot.

Now we know what we're

really after is people...

people with something to hide.

People who want everyone

to think there are ghosts.

My best friend Gwen and I

co-founded the gang

our freshman year at Oberlin.

She's a great partner

in business,

and an even better partner

in fighting crime.

Chad's our sound guy,

and he also brings the van.

He's the only one of us

who actually believes

in the paranormal,

so he's probably great

to have around

in case we ever

find something real.

Before we found him,

Floyd repaired robots

at a haunted Showbiz Pizza

in Seattle.

Now he's the rocking-est

resident gearhead

a girl could ask for.

Hamlet's his dog.

Part Great Dane,

part something else,

and all affection.

He's the muscle.

And I'm Nancy,

just a few months shy of getting

my private detective's license,

and already years

into debunking shady sh*t.

We rip off the masks

so the authorities

can slap on the cuffs.

We're really good.

We get to

the bottom of things.

Just ask these a**holes...

on visitors day...

at the pen...

in Huntsville.

So, you think you busted up

a kiddy-porn ring, huh?

We're so glad you guys

got here when you did.

The situation here was,

these guys had a cover story

of a dead convict

haunting the place.

CHAD:
Totally fake.

We even bought high-8

and actually record the ghosts.

CHAD:
We can surrender

those to you, if you want.

NANCY:
They were scaring everybody

away from ever coming in,

so that nobody was finding out

what they were doing.

Shut the f*** up!

We've had this

staked out for months.

F***in' months.

We have videotape of them

bringing in the kids.

CHAD:
Officer, we have...

We have wiretaps!

We were building a case.

You waltz in

and f*** it all up.

What do you think this is,

some Saturday morning

cartoon show?

(WHINES)

I don't watch television.

We're just

doing our jobs.

We're paranormal

investigators.

Oh, so you're

Ghostbusters.

You know what happens

to real detectives?

They get killed!

(WOMAN SCREAMING IN CRUISER)

Listen, we got in there before

anything happened to those kids, okay?

Nothing happened to them

because of us.

Yeah, where were you guys?

Whoa, you didn't do sh*t

but taint evidence

and f***

our investigation.

These guys are gonna be

out before happy hour,

probably at the carnival,

in line at the Zipper,

if you know what I mean.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

What, are you trying to get

in touch with your inner child?

F*** your inner child.

(SCREAMING)

So I can call my parents again

and get a loan for us at 15%,

but we haven't paid off

the last one yet.

You still owe me money

for one of those installments,

by the way.

Do you guys think

that that was

cow's blood in there?

It was pig's blood,

or something, you know?

NANCY:

This is just total crap.

And who does that?

And you...

And you licked it.

How were we

supposed to know

it was

a sting operation, okay?

I mean, what the hell?

It's total crap, right?

Right?

It's total crap?

CHAD:
Yes, it's total crap.

Yes.

Yes.

NANCY:
It is total crap.

Are we talking

about the blood,

or are

we talking about...

I think we're talking

about the situation.

No, we're talking

about what happened today.

Did you hear the way those

cops were talking to us,

like we were juveniles

or something?

Well...

They weren't very nice.

You save the kids

from pedophiles,

and you don't

even get paid for it.

How would you make

that sustainable?

Well, I was thinking

that maybe

we should refine

our business model.

CHAD:
That's a good idea.

Okay, I agree,

but what do we do?

I mean, how do we figure

out a way to?

Nance, you have to look

on the bright side.

CHAD:
We'll figure it out.

I can call my parents

anytime.

No. Remember that

department store job?

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

I could work

at the pool again.

(RINGS)

Hello?

MAN:
Oh, Nancy.

This is Mike Ryan from

Buford National Bank.

Hi.

Uh, calling about

our haunted house.

NANCY:
Yes...

It is potentially

a paying job.

By all means.

All right, sir, I'm

gonna work on this.

You have pig blood

all over you.

CHAD:
We don't know

if it's pig blood.

Ooh, you know what, I didn't

tell you this, but...

I don't have

my period anymore.

Oh, really?

RYAN:
That's great.

Do you think you can do

that for that price?

Yeah, absolutely.

Nancy, that would

be really terrific,

'cause, you know, this ghost

stuff, you would not believe.

It's just...

NANCY:
We've

seen some crazy stuff.

Yeah, I mean, okay.

Can I ask you one thing?

Um, this place is...

It's really bad, and,

um, it's not like I believe in

ghosts or anything like that,

but you do have a...

You do have

a contingency plan, right,

just in case...

(RUSTLING NOISE)

NANCY:
Oh, no worries.

I mean,

we'll figure it out,

whatever it is.

Okay, great,

'cause, you know,

you'd literally

be saving my life.

(OLD MAN COUGHING)

Yeah.

YOUNG WOMAN:
Shut up.

CHAD:
Well, well.

You guys

want to be alone?

Hello.

What are you doin', buddy?

What are you guys doing?

Just hanging out.

Creepy.

Um, were

you just hanging out

with the busboy

out there?

Who's your new friend?

So I was stuck in this place

for four weeks.

My face is peeling,

I can't take a sh*t.

Okay.

But it's cool, 'cause I'm

taking like 18 pills a day.

Mm-hmm.

18 pills a day...

Look, I'm sorry.

Your card was declined.

I tried it a couple times.

It'd be like

I'm on the tit, right?

'Cause it's for cash.

CHAD:
Okay.

RYAN:
That's great.

Yes.

That's great. I can't

guarantee anything,

but if you can

put it to rest

by the end

of the weekend,

I might be able to work out a

little bonus for you, okay?

NANCY:

That would be fantastic.

RYAN:
Okay, okay, so

tomorrow we'll see you.

Tomorrow.

6:
30, meet me

at the house?

NANCY:

We can absolutely do that.

Great. See you then.

NANCY:
Bye.

RYAN:
Bye.

Did you

have a good call?

Do you think every place

is your house?

OLD MAN:
Help me.

GWEN:
Those are

like the kind of jobs

that you're

not supposed to take,

and you always

take those jobs.

FLOYD:
I need money,

or you can't take a sh*t.

But I couldn't... Okay!

CHAD:
So you hustled?

You hustled, right?

FLOYD:
I hustled.

Yeah?

CHAD:
Yeah?

Oh!

NANCY:
Yeah!

(LAUGHING)

No, I'm not gonna work

here no more, man.

What are you worried

about, Pedro?

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