Saturnin

---

Czech television

presents

I know I would be well advised

to offer you a cocktail.

Screenplay

But if you take me for being impertinent

I cannot let this calumny lie.

Director of Photography

Directed by

If it seems that I impose upon you,

Accept me or not, as the case may be.

You can always send me to the place

no-one likes to go.

Dr Vlach and I meet in the

coffee-house every Sunday

and we had no reason

to change this habit

despite a lot of changes

happened to me.

Last week I hired a man-servant,

even though it may seem odd to many.

His name is Saturnin and

I very much liked

his appearance as well as

his decent demeanour.

Thanks to him my life is now filled

with new experiences and surprises.

For me, life was like suddenly stepping

on a sledge hidden under snow.

In such a situation, it is

possible to maintain a cool head

head but not the balance nor to

protect the backside.

Nevertheless it was not displeasing and

I think it was all worth.

Bang!

You'd be a good target, a very good one.

But no-one here would

be capable of such an originality.

You mean harpooning whales or

a championship in shooting

earthen pigeons?

I appreciate your sense of humour.

Honestly, I always had the opinion

that you were rather a lunkhead.

Coffee, coffee, soda water,

soda water, ashtray!

And surprisingly, you are not.

Humanity can be divided according to

the "caf-man-doughnuts bowl" theory.

The first man,

who has no sense of humour,

will just look at a plate of doughnuts

perhaps even till lunch.

The second one entertains

himself by thinking about

someone bombing the

others with the doughnuts.

The third one is so fascinated

by the idea

that he gets up and starts throwing.

Oh no!

Such people don't exist, I hope.

Then where would you place Saturnin?

- Excuse me.

- No!

Excuse me, madam.

Let me inform you sir,

that we have moved.

We're living on a boat now

near the Legions' Bridge.

Fine, Saturnin. Thank you.

Near the Legions' Bridge?

Not a chance!

It would suit him, if I fainted!

No, I won't be taken in by him.

I wonder about your conservative

way of understanding the world:

You think that, if you had a flat

this morning, you need to have it now.

Anyway, your old, calm and romantic

flat was like a primeval cave.

And your fondness of it

is just a heritage from

your cave-dwelling ancestors.

- Your flat has a ponderous air about it.

- You exaggerate as usually, doctor.

I've brought you some doughnuts

for your journey, Mr. Oulick.

Thank you.

And I got so much accustomed to you...

The man, who calls you

"The beatified" and "My lord",

Mr. Saturnin told me

you're going to the North Pole

and that he has to

clean your weapons.

Don't distress yourself, I'll send

you a postcard of a polar bear.

A polar bear?

Welcome, captain.

The boat's ready, dinner is prepared.

Let me take those. Doughnuts

will be served with coffee.

Your boat, your favorite armchair,

your dinner. Bon appetite.

- It is the steamboat Prague.

- Does this earthquake happen often?

Twice a day.

But usually the horn is sounded

before the bridge and

there is time to prepare.

Better to flee to dry land.

- Would you like the lights on?

- Yes, please.

But if it means swinging

or sinking the boat,

I would rather dine in the dark.

It is quite romantic.

Would you like a candle, gas lamp

or just an electric light?

I have not seen any

electric cables.

I suppose they're submerged.

Is it safe?

We are not dependent on

power plants, captain.

I think I'd prefer the gas lamp

in the end.

By the way, recently my friends

started asking me strange questions.

My friends think I hunt beasts of prey.

Or they want me to talk about

killing a shark with

a camera tripod.

My boss asked me to sell him

a crocodile tooth.

When I excused for

not having any,

he asked me to remember him

during the next expedition.

I do not hunt neither tigers nor sharks.

And I am terrified by crocodiles.

I would very much appreciate

if you stopped

convincing my friends

of such nonsense.

That will be difficult.

They believe

you shot all these animals.

Is anyone down there?

Are you down there, Mr. Oulick?

- I'm looking for Mr. Ji Oulick.

- How can I help you?

I'm coming down.

Thanks God I found you!

Marcus Aurelius has escaped.

Please, follow me. For sure we can

catch him with your help.

A man of unsound mind!

I'm not sure I understand.

Don't be so modest.

Who else than you?

Just don't forget

to get your rifle.

- You'd better not be involved in this!

- I swear to you that I am not.

But I think you ought to help that man.

- But he's deranged!

- Who, Marcus Aurelius?

Both of them.

- Haven't you got a weapon?

- No.

Mr. Oulick.

I'm the director of the zoo. I admire

your willingness and courage.

I'm sorry I didn't see you catch

the lion with your bare hands.

Next time, hopefully.

- Thank you, once again.

- I thank you, too.

- Saturnin, Marcus Aurelius is a lioness.

- No-one's perfect, sir.

- Few women have straight legs, eh?

- They need you on court, boy.

- Good afternoon.

- Good afternoon.

My partner hasn't arrived and

yours neither, as I see.

Shall we have a game,

we should not be lying idle!

I'd be very glad to.

- You play without a racket?

- No, of course, sorry.

Are you ready?

- Shall we take a break?

- In the middle of the set?

We need to rest, have a drink...

Do you also take rests

when you're hunting a beast?

In that case, it's quite the opposite.

It's a training wall, sir.

As far as I am concerned,

it is a faux-pas

to went down 3:
0

with Miss Terebov.

My God, Saturnin!

Where did you learn to play tennis?

I used to coach a certain

lady in Nice for some time.

I wouldn't be surprised at all

to know that

you are a champion

in swimming under ice.

The play of tennis is based on sending

a ball on the opponent's side

as swiftly as possible and

as low as possible over the net,

which is this line on the wall

in our case,...

... which we'll have to make higher.

I'm going to play billiards, I'll dine out.

Postpone all disasters at tomorrow,

and don't move us anywhere else,

if I can ask.

To be honest,

you surprised me.

Your new flat speaks of

courage and a sporting spirit.

Do you know how many boats

sink each year?

But all of them do not sink on

the Vltava river, don't they?

No, but all of them

hit the bottom.

The ship's boiler might also explode

blowing up the crew far and wide.

Our boat hasn't got a boiler.

My uncle Frantiek was

the last explosives expert.

God rest his soul.

Do you remember his

most famous explosion?

Even months after that I was

approaching a soap with

my face turned away and

shivers running down my spine.

Uncle Frantiek had a laboratory

smelling with dangerous inflammables.

And he was a husband of

my aunt Kateina.

To make fine soap from fine

materials is not an art.

But to make soap from filth and grime

lying everywhere around

is a task for real scientists!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes