Saved! Page #5

I didn't ask you to get saved,

Anyway, it's not a big deal,

Last year I got saved

so I could go on a ski trip,

Oh, my God!

How do you feel?

I'm a whole new girl, Hay Faye,

I told you!

How great is Jesus?

About that, I've decided

to devote my Iife to Satan instead,

Thanks, though!

What?

Who beefed?

She was found to be pregnant

through the Holy Spirit,

When he had contemplated this,

an angel of the Lord

appeared to him in a dream

and said, "Joseph, son of David,

"do not be afraid

to take Mary as your wife

"because the child conceived in her

is from the Holy Spirit,

Behold, a virgin shall conceive

and bear a son,"

I know this is,

like, totally wrong,

but don't you ever wonder

if she made the whole thing up?

I mean, you have to admit

it's a good one.

It's not like anyone could use

virgin birth as an excuse again.

I don't really think she made it up,

but I could understand

why a girl would.

Quit being so stingy,

What? They're my

Valentine's Day chocolates,

Hilary Faye, you bought them

for yourself, so it doesn't count,

You still have that?

I haven't decided

if I wanna give it to him yet,

Well, you better decide fast,

Happy Valentine's Day,

- Thank you,

- I made it myself,

It's a dumb idea anyway,

Mary's been going through

a Iot of changes this year, and,,,

a relationship is the Iast thing

she needs right now,

Yeah, you're

the relationship expert,

You and Mom

don't even talk any more,

That's because your mom

has her missionary position,

and I have my responsibilities

running the school, and--

Mom told me

everything this summer,

Why didn't you just get divorced

when she wanted to?

Because divorce

is not part of God's plan,

Dad, you need to think of a new plan,

I thought you were

at your meeting with Pastor Skip,

It got cancelled,

Again?

That's, Iike, three times this week?

Four,

Well, do you wanna

talk about it?

I think this one's

between me and Jesus,

But do you wanna talk?

No,

I keep trying to remind myself

that when Jesus shuts a door,

he opens a window,

Yeah, so we have something

we can jump out of,

- Hello.

- Hey, it's me,

I'm trying to get the board to okay

this new youth outreach program--

you get the kids into the church

via rock music concerts,

One of the board members says,

"Hey, I can't tell the difference

between Christian rock

and secular rock anymore,"

And I said, "Dude, exactly,"

You get their attention, and then

you hit them with the message,

and boom,

you've saved another soul,

- Skip,

- What?

I don't care,

- You don't care?

- I've missed you,

I've missed our meetings,

I feel good when I'm with you,

I think you feel good, too,

I've missed you, too, yeah,

I wonder why God would give us

these feelings of happiness,

if what we're doing is wrong,

What are we doing, Lillian?

We haven't done anything

to be ashamed of, Skip,

Is this how people

turn away from Christ's teachings?

I mean, I,,,

AII the,,,

all the bible study I've done,

all the preaching

I've done to the kids, and,,,

,,,all the prayers

for forgiveness I've prayed, and,,,

AII I can think about is,,,

,,,kissing you,

I want--

I want to kiss you,

Then kiss me,

By Easter, it seemed Jesus

had answered my mom's prayers,

and she was as happy as she was

when she first got back from Orlando.

I'm probably gonna be Iate tonight

'cause I have my meeting,

I know, What, are you

meeting twice a week now?

Or petrol, you could do petrol,

Pastor Skip suggested Patrick take

more interest in school activities.

He said that by focusing

his energies on the Lord,

he would have less time

to think about dating.

Or I should say, he would have

less time to think about dating me.

Now, that's what I call

being hung on a cross,

Patrick and I and everyone--

we're gonna go grab some food,

- If you guys wanna come, that'd be cool,

- We're going to DQ,

So we can watch Hilary Faye

try and get into your Easter basket?

No, thanks,

Cassandra, it's not too Iate to achieve

a personal relationship with Jesus Christ,

Eternal damnation's

not fit for anyone, not even you,

- Right?

- Good one,

I should kick your fat,

Christian ass right now,

Really? Do you know

that I could get you expelled

for that type of Ianguage, Edelstein?

- And I'm not even fat, okay?!

- Your head is fat!

And your ass is fat!

- Whatever!

- It's Iike she's retarded!

I'm two months away from getting

outta here without anyone knowing,

Just,,,it's hard,

but cool it, okay?

Next time,

the b*tch is going down,

I'm sorry,

I wanna show you something,

It's a sonogram I took a while ago,

I'm having a Iittle girl,

You sure you're not having

a sea monkey?

- Yeah,

- She's beautiful,

You think it's safe

to keep this in your Iocker?

- Safer than at home,

- Let's go,

I don't really get how someone

so pretty can be so,,,ugly,

She wasn't always pretty,

My parents didn't want two handicapped

kids, and she was the easy fix,

What do you mean

"handicapped?"

Before we moved to Cherry Hill,

before the fat camps

and Tetracycline,

her outside matched her inside,

Oh, my God,

- Just make sure you put this back,

- I'II take care of it tonight,

- What are you doing with that?

- Nothing,

Well, well, well,

If it isn't the heathens,

Burn in hell,

you narrow-minded, tacky-ass b*tch,

Burn in hell,

you narrow-minded--

- She doesn't mean it,

- Yes, I do!

You're gonna be expelled for sure

for threatening me!

Pastor Skip put us on work detail

for Hilary Faye's prom committee.

You better be wearing

underpants this time,

A particularly cruel punishment.

No, seriously, move it higher,

- Higher!

- You're doing a great job,

It's Iooking really phat,

I'm so glad,

Hey, Mary,

you need some help?

- Sure, thanks,

- I'II come to you,

So, Iisten, I was wondering,

what are you doing the night of prom?

Why?

Are you asking me to prom?

Maybe,

- Okay,

- Okay?

Yeah, okay,

I'II go with you,

As friends,

Okay, as friends,

I thought you were gonna

ask Patrick to the prom,

Tia, would you just shut up?

Do you wanna go back to being

invisible girl with bad hair?

That could easily happen,

Just don't ask stupid questions!

Did you take care of business?

Now, where are you going?

You can tacky-up prom

on your own, because I quit,

Oh, my gosh,

You can't quit,

Watch me,

Watch me walking away,

Watch me

walking away from Jesus,

What?!

Yes, this is she,

Who is this?

Are you serious?

Thank you so much,

Godflight has agreed to perform

at our prom! Can you believe that?!

Prayer works for everything!

I told you,

- Oh, my gosh,

- I'm so excited,

Now she's never gonna shut up,

Give her about ten minutes,

Turn them off!

Turn them off now, please!

Turn them,,,

What?

It's not fair,

I am trying to be a good Christian

and a Iiving example of Christ's Iove,

and I have done nothing

but bust my buns for those sinners,

And you know that Cassandra

and Mary are behind this,

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