Saving Silverman

Neil Diamond. Hot August night, 1972.

That concert rocked and rolled.|I know because I was there.

That's me.

My water broke.

Eversince then, I've had this|cosmic connection with Neil.

But this story isn't about Neil.

It's about me and my two pals,|Darren and J.D.

Best friends since fifth grade.

That's J.D. He's lactose intolerant.

And he's not very bright.

That's Darren Silverman.

He's a romantic.

But when it comes to women,|he's incredibly gullible.

That's me, Wayne.

I'm loyal to my friends.

-I'd beat you up if you weren't a girl.|-Me too.

After that, I started working out.

We stayed best friends|throughout high school.

I was the third-string quarterback.

J.D. became the school mascot.

Hey, what did you say|I didn't really motherfucking hear you.

Yeah, yeah you|Yeah you, yeah you, yeah you

And Darren joined|the cheerleading squad.

Oh, that's Sandy.

Yeah, Darren's always|had a thing for her.

When you're up against a Warbird

You're upside down!

Oh, that's Coach Norton.

He was a big influence in our lives.|He taught us many things.

Two things you got to remember, boys.

Number one:
Stay away from women.

All they want from you|is your man juice.

Now...

...if you get any urges that you can't|suppress with hard liquor, use this.

-Oh, number two....|-Sportsmanship.

Sportsmanship.

Sportsmanship.

You fairy wimp fruit bag!

You suck!

Le Fessier! Get out there!

I'm just gonna get my helmet.

Hey, guys! Guys, I'm in!

-See, he's going in!|-Oh, my God!

Go, Wayne! Go, Wayne!

Blue 48! Blue 48!

Go! Set!

Hike!

But now we're all grown-up.

J.D. is rapidly working his way|up the ladder at Subway.

Recently he was promoted...

...to temporary second assistant manager|in charge of training.

Okay, McNugent,|let's see what you got.

I've been working on them for 8 weeks.|I present the future of Subway.

Bellston...

...three sizes of bevy are small,|medium and what?

-Big?|-Like we practiced. You can do this.

L....

Long!

Okay, we'll come back to you.

This guy's my stinkiest student|by far.

Trimball, let's see your sub.

No, no. Meat on the inside,|bread outside.

Okay, take it away.

Take it away!

Don't judge me on those two guys.|This next guy's my protg.

He's top of his class, and for his|thesis he made a party sub.

Heston, where's the party sub?

Darren is a social director|at a retirement home.

B-17.

Bingo.

Bingo.

Abe...

...pull your pants up|or no more Matlock.

I started my own business.

What are we dealing with here?

I don't know, but it sounds big.

Stay back. I'm going in.

Careful, sonny.

So you're causing|all this trouble, huh?

Come here.

Hey there. Hello.

Here's the ferocious beast, huh?

Hey, where's your mommy?

Get off! Get it off!

Is it dead?

No.

But she is in one deep coon coma.

Stop it!

But we all have one mystical thing|in common: Our love for Neil.

That's ourband,|Diamonds in the Rough.

Hey, I'm Darren.

Sophie.

Do you, maybe, want to grab|a drink with me?

I'm sorry. I'm involved.

With a real entertainer.

I can't believe I got blown off again.|I'll never meet the right girl.

You don't want|a chick who'd f*** a mime.

Dude, what does a mime look like|when it's having sex anyway?

It's probably like:

"l'm a mime. I'm a mime."

Hey, mimes don't talk.

They do when they're off duty.

It's not her. It's all women.

I'm really afraid that|there's nobody out there for me.

The only girl I ever loved...

...walked out of my life years ago.

Sandy Perkus.

-Rememberher?|-Smile.

Her family was with the circus.

Her dad was The Strong Man.

Hermom was The Bearded Lady.

Herbrother was The Dog-faced Boy.

Before I mustered the courage|to ask her out, she moved away.

You know, I truly believe...

...that there is a one and only|someone for everyone.

And Sandy...

...Sandy Perkus...

...was my one and only.

Man, that is so romantic.

Oh, my God!|Look at that juicy piece of ass.

What do you think of her?

-Who?|-Right there.

In the red?

-Yeah, she's gorgeous.|-Go talk to her.

-No.|-Okay, I'll do it for you.

What? Hey, wait.

Hi. I'm Wayne.

-No.|-No, you don't understand.

I'm not hitting on you.

Back off.

I just want to tell you|about my buddy, Darren.

He's smart, he's sensitive--

-I don't care.|-He'd make a great husband.

-I don't want to meet him.|-Great.

Dude, she wants you.|She thinks you're really cute.

-Really?|-Yeah, she's like:

"Oh, I'm so excited to meet him,"|and everything.

-Are you sure?|-Totally!

Get down there and make your move.

I don't know.

Come on!

-Carpe poon!|-Really?

-Okay, I'll do it.|-All right!

I'm Darren.

Darren. My friend said|you wanted to meet me.

He lied.

That's a good one.

No, seriously.|I don't want to meet you.

My friend must have been mistaken.

I'm really sorry to bother you.

Let me guess.

That jerk tried to get into your pants|with some tacky line.

I'm not like that.

I use magic.

Beat it, baldy.

Okay, good stuff.|Tough crowd. I like that.

I have here two...

...ordinary metal rings.

You and me.

I love you.

Sorry, I forgot my beer.

This is my boyfriend, Darren.|So hit the bricks, porky.

Okay. Nice to meet you, Darren.

Satan.

I'm sorry about|hitting on you before--

-You should be.|-I am. I am.

I just, I wasn't thinking in....

You're so beautiful, and I....

I'm sorry.

So make up for it. Buy me a drink.

-Yeah. Okay.|-I'll have a Scotch.

Give the lady a Scotch,|and I'll have another beer.

-He'll have a gin and tonic.|-Make that a gin and tonic.

Can you believe he hooked up|with the queen of all hotties?

They're just having a drink together.

It's not like they're|going steady or anything.

It's midnight.|You know what that means?

No. What?

It's our six-week anniversary.

-Did you get me anything?|-No.

That's okay. That's okay.

No big deal. But...

...I...

...got you a little something.

Thanks. That's really nice.

You know, I've been thinking.

We've been together for a while now...

...and it seems like|maybe it's time...

...we get a little more intimate.

Are you saying you want to have sex?

Yeah, I am.

I don't believe in premarital sex.|I'd rather not cheapen what we have.

Of course. Of course not.|Me neither.

-So it's best to wait.|-You're right.

I think-- I mean, you're--|It's best.

But...

...that doesn't mean that we can't...

...pleasure each other in other ways.

I got you.

Oh, I got you.

That was really great.

Thanks.

That got me pretty excited.

That's nice.

I mean, I wouldn't mind if someone|did that to me.

Oh, I get it.|You want me to go down on you.

I would love to, but I can't.

I have very, very sensitive gums.

You have gums--|It's a medical condition.

I wouldn't want to cause you|any pain, baby. No.

You're so sweet.

You know, there are other ways to give|me pleasure without using your mouth.

Oh, God, I am so inconsiderate.|I'm sorry.

No, that's fine. That's fine.

Have fun.

-Watch your head.|-This place is a dump.

I really don't want to do this.

It'll be great. It's our Sunday ritual|and I want you to be part of it.

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