Saving Silverman Page #2

I want you to get to know these guys.|You'll love them, honey.

-Yeah, buddy. What's up, dude?|-What's up, J.D.?

Judy, awesome to meet you.

Judith.

Judith. And a beer bong for the lady?

-No.|-Totally cool.

No peer pressure.

Judith rules. Sorry. Come on in.

Check it out. Chewie.

You want a drink?

-Scotch on the rocks.|-You want ice?

I'll help you with that.

Hey, Judith.|Can I give you the grand tour?

Let's start right here|in the "Hall o' Neil."

This is Neil, '74. Check this out.

This is a set list|from the Millennium Concert. Look:

Signed by Neil. Got that on eBay.

Looks like a Xerox.

No. This cost a lot of money.|Check this out.

-I think you got taken.|-Ready?

This shirt...

...was worn by Neil...

...in concert.

Check it out. We snuck backstage...

...and totally stole it from him|while he was taking a whiz.

In my profession, we call|your obsession with Neil...

...a delusional projection fantasy.

Yeah, sure. But he's America's|greatest songwriter and he's our hero.

And he's playing the Forum|in two weeks.

Of course, we can't go because|of the whole restraining order thing.

Neil, I love you!

You again!

Neil! Where are you going?

I want to party with you.|I want to party with you!

Game's on.

Game's on.

-Give me the remote.|-I want to go.

-Give me a beer.|-We just got here.

These guys are pigs.

Come on. No, they're not that--

Hey! What are you doing?

Dude, if you get the nachos|stuck together, that's one nacho.

Okay, look. Why don't we just stay|for a little bit, okay?

Oh, take mine. Take mine.

Give her the old sweep-a-roo.

Old Ethel. We've been through|a lot of games together.

Enjoy.

I'll help you.|She has multiple reclining positions.

-I can sit forward.|-It's stuck.

-It's fine.|-Takes a little muscle.

Come on, you f***ing piece of sh*t.

-I don't need--|-It's no trouble.

Are you okay?

I'm sorry. That hardly ever happens.

You know what? I think I-- Yep.

It's the lug nut. Fixed it.|Please have a seat.

I'll stand.

I'm a--

-Sorry.|-Get me something.

So Darren tells me|you're a psychologist.

-That's right.|-Interesting.

I'm in a related field.

Really? What's that?

Pest and rodent removal.

How is that related?

We both help people.

While you deal with their emotional|and intellectual needs...

...I protect them from gophers,|coons, roaches, silverfish....

He launched it.

Touchdown!

I don't want you to see|Wayne or J.D. ever again, Darren!

But they're my best friends.

You're getting new friends, and you're|quitting that bullshit band.

I know you're upset. I do.|But I am not dropping Wayne and J.D...

...and I'm not quitting the band.

Okay, fine. No more sex.

What?

You're not allowed to go down on me|for one month.

No, Judith, please--

Don't make me take away|your masturbation privileges.

You go, boys. You sing this song.|You know it. Come on, boys. Sing it!

-Sing it!|-This blows, man.

Judith's out of control.|We gotta do something.

Besides ruining the band,|what else has she done?

Ever since she moved in with him,|she's controlled his life.

She didn't like his ass.|Made him get butt-cheek implants.

I thought his ass looked tighter.

Check this out. Last night...

...torched his Neil Diamond albums.

She torched Neil?

You're right. She's a monster.

Two, three, four.

-Hey!|-Yes!

-Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.|-It's all right.

I only have a minute.|I have to wax Judith's legs.

-We miss you.|-We never see you anymore.

I know, I'm sorry...

...but I've just been so happy|spending time with Judith.

Plus, my relationship|counseling sessions--

Counseling?

Yeah. I go two hours,|three times a week.

Oh. Who's your counselor?

Judith.

We don't think she's right for you.

Break up with her.

She's ruining our lives and yours.

This graph should|illustrate our point.

Before Judith, our fun level|was at an all-time high: 93.

It is now an eight.

Band numbers have|plunged dramatically.

Girls, never very high, at nine.|But look now. Two!

This has led to increased wanking off.

I'm chafing.

Sh*t, I gotta go home|and heat the wax.

Guys, listen.|Thanks for your concern, really.

I miss you too. But it was great|seeing you, all right?

That guy's in serious trouble.

We need to save him.

Sorry to bother you.

What are you doing here?

We want to apologize|for the beer shower.

And the salsa bath. That was bad.

-Get the hell out of here.|-Just give us a minute, okay?

My rate is $200 an hour.

Do you have any money?

I got some of that.

Just give me the big bills.

Six. Is that all you have?

Thirty. $7.38.

Two and a half minutes.

We don't want you seeing Darren.|We don't think you're right for him.

The band needs him.

-But we're prepared to buy you off.|-With what?

My house.

Okay? Look.

My grandma here? She was born in this|house, is buried in the back yard.

There's my mom...

...there's my dad and there's me.

My dad was dropping me|on my head. But...

...we're willing to sign|this over to you...

...if you just agree|not to see Darren.

I don't want your shitty house|or your dead grandma.

I'll throw J.D. in.|He doesn't look like much...

...but he's hung like a horse.

It's true.

Look, Darren's mine.|There's nothing you can do about it.

I own him. He does whatever I say.|I'm in complete control of him.

He's my puppet|and I'm his puppet master.

You're not taking Darren away!

Just try to stop me.

One round, winner takes Darren.

-You're on.|-Kick her ass.

Go.

You've got quite a grip.|You must be a heavy masturbator.

My guess is three times a day?

I bet you're a premature ejaculator.

You start off with a big bang.

Before you know it, you're limp.

-I win, you lose. Now get out.|-God!

Hey, check it out.

Hey, baby.

Hello, ladies.

So how much?

Fifty bucks for you,|and 200 for your friend.

-Okay.|-All right.

I want you to laugh|like he just said something.

Perfect!

Get this one.|Be like this. Like this.

Douche, douche.

Yeah, you. Slap his ass.

That's not sexy.

Watch it.

You're moving my guy!

Lookit. Lookit.

Good.

-Awesome.|-Check this out.

Mail, check. Go. Don't look back.

Hurry up. Come on.

Hi, Judith. How's it going?

Not so good. Look at these.

Oh, my God.

He's sick.

He's perverted.

-He's cheating on you.|-With two chicks.

I don't know. I guess I'd dump him?

-Oh, totally.|-Right?

Do you guys notice anything weird|about these photos?

No, that's Darren, all right.

Darren doesn't have a tattoo.

Nice try, idiots.

If I ever see you near Darren again...

...I'll kill you.

Thanks for meeting me here.|I have something important to say.

Oh, man. You broke up?

No.

Out of the blue,|Judith proposed to me. We're engaged.

-What?|-Dude, congratulations.

Starting next week,|I'll be Mr. Darren Fessbeggler.

Right, because you're gonna take|her last name, huh?

Yeah, well...

...Judith feels, and I think she's got|a really good point here...

...that it's sexist for the woman|to take the man's last name.

Anyway, it's too late to change it.

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