Saving Silverman Page #3

We've already ordered|the monogrammed towels.

Darren.

Sandy?

Sandy Perkus.

Oh, my God, Darren.|It's been so long.

Yeah, it has.

Hey, it's Wayne.

High school, remember? You remember?

Right! The senior talent show.

Yeah, you were booed off the stage.

That was me.

Yep. Sandy, remember me?|J.D. McNugent?

I went to the prom...

...with a tuxedo painted|on my naked body.

Oh, I guess I missed it.

I spilled a drink and the paint ran|and everyone could see my dong.

It doesn't ring a bell.

Remember, in science, I was lighting|farts with the Bunsen burner...

...and I singed my ball sac?

No.

Man. I still can't grow hair|on my left nut.

Sucks.

So how are you?

Great. Great.|I just moved back to town.

Oh, wow, that's great.

Gosh, you know, I have to go,|but it was great seeing you.

Yeah, same here. Me too.

-See you.|-Take care.

-Okay, bye.|-Awesome.

Yeah, bye. Bye.

Oh, my God.

-This is it!|-What?

It's your big chance. Sandy Perkus|has just walked back into your life.

You even said so yourself.|She was your one and only someone!

She used to be.|Now Judith is my one and only someone.

I'll talk to you guys later. Okay?

Isn't "one and only" like, one...

...and only?

-Here's your drink.|-Where's the lemon wedge?

We're out of lemons,|but I'll run to the store--

Forget it. I want you to meet|two exciting people.

Brett is a tax attorney,|and Clayton's a CPA.

Wow, that is exciting.

This is my fianc, Darren.

-Pleased to meet you.|-Same.

-Congratulations.|-Thank you.

Excuse me, I'll get it.

Is Darren here?|I think he left his Vespa helmet.

What's going on?

We're having our engagement party.

Oh, then I guess our invitations|must've been lost in the mail.

No.

I think it's very possible|she didn't even send us invitations.

-Thanks for stopping by.|-Who's Darren talking to?

Those are his new friends.

-I'll have a merlot.|-A spritzer.

-We don't work here.|-You fooled me.

-My name's Brett, this is Clayton.|-This is Darren.

Yeah, we know who he is, Clayton.

-Darren's our friend, Brett.|-We knew him first.

F*** you, replacement friend!

Eat this, fake Wayne!

Stop it! Do something!

Get out of here!

Hey, this isn't over yet!

We're not giving up on Darren!

She thinks this game is over.

It's not over. No!

But we are taking this into overtime!

Yeah! Okay, strategy session.

-Okay, our enemy is wicked.|-Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.

-No, Damien.|-Dude, she's Vader.

No, she is the Emperor!

But with really great tits.

Okay, now, Sandy?|That girl, she's a nice girl.

-She's a sweetheart.|-Dude, a saint.

-A goddess.|-A princess.

You know what?|She's kind of like Mother Teresa.

But with way better tits.

And Darren loves Sandy|no matter what he says.

Definitely.

That's why we have to intervene|and fix the problem!

-Definitely!|-All right!

We're gonna kidnap Judith|and set Darren up with Sandy.

What?

The bat is leaving the cave.

Roger that.

Alarm system has been deactivated.|Out.

Roger that.

Dude, you don't have to do the--

--sound. It already does that. Out.

Copy that.|I'm not going to make the--

--sound after I say stuff|from now on.

Shady McNugent...

...over and out.

That was the last one.

-I'm scared. What if we get caught?|-Not gonna happen.

I'm hungry.

We'll eat later.

-Can we go to Happy Burger?|-Yes, after the kidnapping.

I'm gonna get a Chubby Checker with--

With cheese.

What?

You go downstairs and I'll check|upstairs. Do the Navy SEAL signals.

I only know the Air Force signals.

I'll be on the lookout.

God!

-I haven't located heryet.|-Me neither.

Keep checking.

Wait a second. I think I see|something in the back of the refrig--

In the back of the closet.

Check it out.

Nope. Coast is clear.

I'll keep looking down here, buddy.|You keep an eye peeled up there.

Oh, sh*t.

What is it?

I'm hit. I need backup.

I'm coming.

What happ--

Help!

Dead leg.

Help me, Wayne.

Oh, my God.

Get the door. Get the door. Door.

Darren, I'm leaving you.|We're finished. Done.

Don't call, write, e-mail or fax.

I never want to see your face|oryour fake butt again.

Okay, get down there.

Dude, wait. Why me?

Because you're guarding Judith.|I'm dealing with Darren and Sandy.

But when we let her go,|she'll be able to identify me.

No. She won't be able to|because you'll be wearing this.

But after we let her go, the cops will|look for a guy dressed as a bird.

-So?|-So, what am I gonna wear to work?

Your work clothes.

But tomorrow's casual Friday.

Get downstairs!

Who the hell are you?

Thanks for meeting me.|I called you out of the blue--

That's okay. I love catching up|with old high school friends.

-Are you single?|-Yes.

Great. Look, I wanted to talk|to you about Darren Silverman.

He's a really good guy.

You know what?|He works with the elderly.

Really?

-That is so sweet.|-He still talks about you.

There's something--

He even writes poems about you.|In fact...

...I think he loves you.

Wayne, I'm gonna become a nun.

In a week, I take my final vows.

I didn't even know|that you were religious.

I wasn't in high school.

But after I graduated,|I joined my parents in the circus.

And I became a trapeze artist.

I fell in love|with mypartner, Luigi Panini.

Ladies and gentlemen,|the fabulous Luigi!

And everything was perfect until....

Talent scouts were in the audience.

Luigi wanted to impress them.

He was a great trapeze artist,|but he was completely vain.

And now Luigi will attempt|the most dangerous stunt...

...in the history of trapeze...

...the Quadruple Bierman.

Luigi!

-Wow.|-Yeah.

After Luigi died,|I knew I would never love again.

That's when I decided to devote my life|to serving God and helping others.

So you haven't taken|your final vows yet, right?

-Right.|-So technically, you're not a nun yet.

Well, no. I mean, not yet.

So why not then just|have lunch with Darren?

I can't figure out why Judith left.

It doesn't make any sense.|She didn't even take her clothes.

Maybe she went where she didn't|need clothes: a nudist colony.

-I don't think so.|-Maybe she got kidnapped.

-You think?|-No.

Definitely not. That's impossible.

It's like, why would that|happen in a world?

Maybe she's a lesbo.

Come on.

Maybe she's a herm.

-What?|-A hermaphrodite.

Little dick, little puss.

-Guess who I bumped into today.|-Who?

Sandy Perkus,|and she wants to see you.

-I'm engaged to Judith, Wayne.|-She dumped you, dude.

Just have lunch with Sandy.|What's it gonna hurt?

No way. Judith's coming back.

What if she doesn't?

As long as Judith's alive,|I'll never give up on her.

Okay? Okay?

I got it. Crowbar me.

Oh, my God.

-What is it?|-This dead chick is really stacked.

Okay, go, go. Go.

-What are you doing?|-Jacket's caught.

Take it off!

I love this jacket!

Lose it!

Damn! That was my favorite jacket.

In a bizarre incident last night,|Judith Fessbeggler...

...was incinerated beyond|recognition when her BMW...

...careened offa cliff.

Investigators have declared it an|accident. No foul play is suspected.

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