Saving Silverman Page #4

In unrelated news, the body of|deceased local Joan Snerd...

...was dug up in a grave robbing last|night. Police arrested three Cubans.

-Why are you doing this?|-So you can eat and have clothes.

No, why did you kidnap me?

I'm not supposed to tell you.

Oh, I get it.|The other guy's the boss.

No, I make decisions too.

I suggested that.

An outhouse. Clever.

Thanks.

-You must be very well-educated.|-I suppose.

-Ivy League?|-More or less.

-Which one? Yale, Harvard, Princeton?|-S.U.

Oh, Stanford University?

Subway University.

I knew someone who went there.|Did you know J.D. McNugent?

No. No. Never heard|of such a person, ever.

-See you later, J.D.|-Take it easy, Judith.

Goddamn it!

-She knows who we are?!|-There was nothing I could do.

She used her super-intellect on me.|She's like Hannibal Lecter.

-Great. Now we can't let her go.|-So, what are we going to do?

-Coach.|-Coach!

If it ain't my favorite|third-string quarterback...

...and the best damn mascot|Wheaton High School ever had.

Lookit, he's still got it!

It's good seeing you boys.|Thank you for coming to my trial.

No problem. We were happy to act|as witnesses on your behalf.

That ref blew.|He deserved what he got.

Touchdown!

No touchdown. He's out-of-bounds.

-What?!|-He's out-of-bounds.

You think after you get out of prison|they'll let you get your old job back?

Well, boys, I don't think so.

So when will they let you out?

Well, I've got an appeal pending,|but it doesn't look good.

The victim's whiny|family's protesting.

What's their damn problem?

So, what brings you boys here?

Well, coach, we need your advice.

Okay, shoot.

Darren fell in love|with this girl, Judith.

-And we kidnapped her.|-Kill her.

Wait a minute and let me finish.

So we screwed up because now|she knows who we are.

So we can't let her go,|or she'll turn us in.

Is that everything?

Kill her.

We can't kill her.

You can! Wheaton Warbirds can do|anything they put their minds to.

But, coach, I mean, come on,|actually kill a person?

What is it that I always said?

If you can dream it, you can do it.

Exactly.

You have the dream. All you have|to do is turn it into reality.

-Okay.|-Thattaboy!

Now, go on home and snuff her.

-Come on, move.|-Thanks, coach.

Where's your bird suit?

I don't need it, because we're--

Because we're gonna kill you. Right?

You aren't going to shoot me.

What makes you say that?

Because you're not killers.

Sure we are.

You've never killed anyone.

I killed a man once.

-Oh, really?|-Yeah.

-Who?|-Kevin Beckley.

You didn't kill Kevin Beckley.|He died in a car wreck.

-She doesn't know that. Goddamn it.|-You see?

You guys have never killed anything|in your entire lives.

One time, this squirrel ran out|into the street and I ran over him...

...and he didn't die right then, but|I'm pretty sure he died right after.

It doesn't matter if we've killed|or not! We're gonna do it right now!

-Ready?!|-Ready.

-Do it.|-I can't!

Goddamn it!

-Okay, it's Tuesday.|-So?

So you're meeting Sandy for lunch.

Can't you see I'm in mourning?

But you promised you'd be there.|You gave her your word.

I didn't even talk to her.

Okay, I gave her your word.

For God's sakes, when will you give up|this idea that I'll go out with Sandy?

When you go out with Sandy.

Now, come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on, come on.

Come on! All right! Come on!

Hey! Wow, you're wearing the--

I'm training to become a nun.

A nun. Well, that explains it.

-I hope it doesn't freak you out.|-No, it doesn't.

Actually, I'm relieved.

I think Wayne was trying|to set us up on a date.

Oh, yeah.|He's got some crazy ideas.

Yeah. Well, now that I know|that you're unavailable...

...it makes this easier.

We can just be friends.

Exactly. Friends.

Please.

-Thank you.|-Sure.

So how are your parents?

Oh, great. They're making|a fortune on the lnternet.

They started their own Web site,|circusfreak.com.

Wow, good for them.

And how's your brother, Dog-face Boy?

He got rabies.

-God, that's too bad.|-Yeah.

We thought we were gonna|have to put him down...

...but he recovered.

Oh, good. Good.

So how are you?

Oh, me? I'm great.

Yeah, everything's been|really good, you know?

Yeah.

Well, my fiance died.

She died?

Yeah, she's dead.

-I am so sorry.|-Oh, don't be.

Please don't be sorry.

It's nothing.

So how do you feel about....

Oh, no.

Oh, gosh. Just cry. Let it out.

I'm here for you, okay?|I'm here for you.

Thank you.

Wait a minute. Wait.|You're a Neil Diamond fan too?

Oh! The man's a genius.

Yeah!

He's the greatest songwriter-performer|of this or any generation.

I know.

Oh, God.

I brought you some more videos.

You got your choice:|Porno or monster trucks.

-And I got one that's both.|-Thanks, J.D.

I really appreciate you|taking care of me.

My pleasure.

Hey, you strike me as|a pretty responsible guy.

Thanks.

That's why I'm surprised|that you let Wayne boss you around.

Wayne's not--

No one bosses me around.|Wayne's not the boss of me.

Yeah. I think that you|seem depressed and confused.

You think?

You have a self-defeating|personality disorder.

Have you considered therapy?

I remember in high school, you were|really into helping people.

At parties, you were always|the designated driver.

Right. And I remember you|were a really good dancer.

And strong too. You used to be|able to lift me up over your head.

Still can.

Oh, really?

Ready? And....

-Oh, Darren!|-Help me!

Are you okay?

-I can't--|-Just hang on.

I can't swim.

Darren!

Are you okay?

Thank you. Thank you for saving me.

No problem.

Let it out now. There you go.

Come on.

Let's go, okay?

You're a lot stronger|than you were in high school.

Yeah, well, the convent's|got a great gym.

And ever since then,|I've been afraid of toilets.

What else can I say|about second grade?

J.D., let's fast-forward.

-Have you ever had a girlfriend?|-Yes.

No.

Have you ever fantasized|about having sex with a man?

-Which man?|-Any man.

-You mean, like, a tall man?|-Sure, whatever.

-I don't like tall people.|-How about a short man?

How short? Sometimes people can be|too short. That's weird, like midgets.

Have you fantasized about having|sex with any man? Any man at all?

Does that include celebrities?

-Can I ask you something?|-Sure.

I mean, not that it matters now...

...but if I had asked you out back|in high school, would you have gone?

Definitely.

-Not that it matters now, you know.|-Right.

-Perfect.|-Thanks.

Could you, you know, turn around?

Right. Yeah, certainly.

I have these.

Sorry, sorry, those are....

Thanks.

-Can you zip me up?|-Yeah.

I had a really good time.

Me too.

-Do you want to have dinner tonight?|-I can't.

Tomorrow I have a test in my|catechism class...

...and I have to score at least an 85|so I can take my vows on Sunday.

What about tomorrow?

I'm scheduled to take care|of an elderly nun on her death bed.

I understand.

But I'd really like to see you again.

I'll get out of it.

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