Saving Silverman Page #5

I always knew I was different,|and now I know why.

I always knew I was different,|and now I know why.

I'm gay.

You're the only person|who's ever truly understood me.

It's okay. Just let it out.

Everything will be all right.

It's all gonna be okay.

It's gonna be just--

Judith escaped.

Der!

Get to the truck. Go. Go. Go. Go.

Okay, she can't be far.

I see her!

Where? Okay, steady, steady!

I missed her.

Now. Let's go. Go, go!

You go this way,|I'll go that way! Go!

Open up! I've been kidnapped!

Hold your goddamn horses!

Oh, thank God. Hurry up.

Tonight Mr. Chang gets lucky.

Young lady, so horny, so impatient.

Oh, scrotum!

Dude, she's stealing the truck!|Come on!

-Now! I got her.|-Do her! Come on!

I got her.

Okay, Judith, it's over.

You might as well turn around|and head back to the house.

Oh, thank God.

Hi, officers. You're safe.

I'm Cowboy Wayne.

I just bagged me|one of them killer goats...

...that escaped from the zoo.

-Good job.|-Yeah.

Okay, then, I'll see you later.

There. That should|hold you for tonight.

Don't!

What the hell happened?

Judith was giving me some therapy...

...and helped me realize|I was gay and--

Wait. What?

I see what happened.

She messed with your head.

Wayne, I'm gay.

No, you're not.|You're just unsuccessful with women.

No, I'm gay. Judith got me|in touch with the inner J.D.

How'd she do that?

She listened.

Unlike people who knew me for years|and ignored all the telltale signs.

-Like what?|-Like my obsession with Bette Midler.

My preference for track lighting.

And the fact that I like sucking dick.

What?! You've done that?!

Not with another guy, but remember|when I bought that book on yoga?

I don't want to hear anymore.

Look, you want to be gay?|Fine! No problem!

But from now on,|I'll take care of Judith myself.

Okay!

-You want to be gay with me?|-No!

Come on, go, come on.

All you, all you! Eleven. Okay.

One more. One more.|Come on. One more.

Feel the burn. Come on, now.

Eleven.

What's the matter, dear?

You never used to be so winded|after only five sets.

Well, Mother Superior...

...I'm having some second thoughts|about becoming a nun.

Oh, don't get me wrong.

This is a terrific convent. But I--

But....

Well...

...I'm having these feelings.

What kind of feelings?

You mean sexual feelings.

Yeah, but it's so much more than that.

Yes, well...

...my dear...

...you're the only one who can decide|if this is the life you want to live.

But once you take your final vows...

...there is no going back.

Now, let's go bust out|some power squats.

There. That should keep you|from escaping again. And this....

This....

This should keep you from biting.

-How am I gonna eat?|-I thought of that.

-What is that?|-It's breakfast.

It's pancakes, sausage,|hash brown, Pop Tart, pured.

I won't eat it. I want a Big Montana.

A Big Montana from Arby's|with curly fries.

I won't get you one. If you won't eat|what I made for you, you can starve!

Why are you doing this?!

To save our friendship.

Friendship? It seems like|you're in love with Darren.

Bullshit!

Just get over it.|Your buddy smokes pole and so do you.

I am so un-gay!

Let's pretend you're straight.|When's the last time you got any?

None of your business.

So it's been years?

-I'm waiting for the right woman.|-There is no right woman.

If there was, you've already met|and she's killed herself or become gay.

-Bite me!|-Blow me!

-Skank!|-Eunuch!

Stealer of my friend!

What happened to your head?

I saw Judith.

Judith's dead.

Yeah, but...

...I could've sworn it was her.

-I was on--|-You poor thing.

You're still not over her death.

Maybe we shouldn't be|seeing each other.

No. No. God, I'm fine.

And, look, I can deal|with this. Okay?

-So, what are you having?|-Let's see.

There's the duck.|That was always Judith's favorite.

-I'm sorry.|-I should leave.

No, you shouldn't. I'm so sorry.

I will never mention|Judith's name again, really.

I swear. I swear.

Would you excuse me for a moment?

Please. I'll be right back. Okay?

In a-- In a moment.

Damn it!

-What do you want?!|-Wayne, it's me, Darren.

I have a problem. I'm with Sandy,|but I can't stop talking about Judith.

Okay. I'll be right there.

Okay, open up your shirt.

-Why?|-Just do it.

What is this?

Now...

...here's what's gonna happen.

I'm going to listen|to your conversation.

Now...

...if you say anything about Judith...

...or so much as mention her name...

...then I'll give you a little shock.

Perfect.

I don't think I'm comfortable|having these things on my nipples.

I could put them on your balls.

The nipples are fine. Nipples work.

Hi. Sorry, sorry, sorry.|I'm back. I am back.

There was a talkative|men's room attendant.

That's okay.

-Excuse me.|-Hey.

-This table's reserved.|-You know what?

I come here all the time,|and spend a lot of money...

...so why not leave me the hell alone?

I don't mean to be pushy...

...but if this relationship|is gonna get serious...

...I have to give up becoming a nun...

...and I'd have to decide soon...

...because my final vows|are on Sunday.

Yeah, that thought had occurred to me.

And if I do that...

...I need to know that|you want marriage and a family.

Absolutely.

I never thought I'd say this to anyone|after Luigi died, but...

...I love you, Darren.

I love you too, Judith.

-Judith?!|-I mean Sandy.

I mean, let's dance. Okay?

You're out of here.

Put me down! I haven't ordered yet!

Time for an attitude|adjustment, mister.

Hey, nice move.

Damn, he's good.

Darren!

Oh, my God!

Oh, jeez. Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

It was a little weird.

-What's going on?|-I can explain.

It's aversion therapy. Wayne was|trying to help me get over Judith...

...so I had these things-- Nipples--

Oh, my God.|It's so much worse than I thought.

No, you're obviously not ready|for this relationship.

No, I am! Sandy, wait!

Okay.

Damn it!

Wait, wait.

Wait, Sandy!

Oh, my God!

Darren. What happened to you?

-I ran here from the club.|-That's 30 miles!

Yeah, I know. I wanted to say...

...I'm sorry. I'm sorry.|Can you ever forgive me?

Because the whole Judith thing|and the nipple clamps...

-...it's crazy, and--|-Yes!

-Really?|-Yes.

Just like that?

Well, I am training|to become a nun, you know.

Forgiveness is just sort of my thing.

I love you.

-Really?|-I love you.

-I love you.|-Oh, love. Love.

-Happy?|-You didn't have to do that.

I just happened to be by Arby's.|They were throwing out old food...

...so, you know, I thought, "Why not?"

Either way, that's nice of you.

I was wondering:

-Why Darren?|-What do you mean?

You don't seem the type to go|for a sensitive guy like Darren.

You seem more the kind of woman|that needs an assertive type of guy.

Before I met Darren, I was--

I was engaged to a guy like that.

His idea of fun was to fly to Thailand|to fight in a kickboxing tournament.

U.S.A.! Go, Josh!

After that,|I decided no more tough guys.

Yeah, and then you found Darren.

Yeah.

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