Saving Silverman Page #6

-So do you even love him?|-There's different types of love.

I knew it!

Sometimes you make rational decisions.|You can't always follow your heart.

Yeah, whatever.

I will admit there's something sexy|about a man who takes charge.

Like you kidnapping me.

That took balls.

Big balls.

I gotta say it turned me on.

It did?

Oh, my God.

Goddamn these chains!

Little key, little key.

What am I doing? I can't let you go!

Just give me one free hand.|It'll be worth it.

Okay. Give me the fries.

-Hi.|-Wow.

Hey.

Sh*t.

Just wait one minute, okay?

-Dude--|-Dude, you got a boner?

No.

-Why didn't you answer the door?|-I'm eating.

-So?|-I don't answer when I'm eating.

-Since when?|-Since always.

-I never knew that.|-You didn't know a lot, like I'm gay.

-Anything else you want to tell me?|-I got three balls.

Shut up! God!

Dude.

Hi, coach.

What are you doing here?

Retrial. Got a judge|that's a sports fan.

-Congrats.|-What will you do now?

That's why I'm here. Need a place|to crash, figure out my next move.

I knew I could count on you.

-Well, we gotta talk about--|-You stay as long as you like.

Great! Where's the bathroom?|I gotta take a dump.

We don't use the toilet anymore since|we're cutting down on the water bill.

What do you do?

Well, we just use the lawn now.

Smart thinking.

Oh, God!

You pinch loaves on the lawn?|I play croquet out there.

Are you crazy? Coach can't stay here!

-We got a woman locked in the garage!|-Oh, yeah!

You boys got any T.P.?

No!

That's all right.|I'll find something.

Play it cool. We'll find|some way to get rid of him.

We tell him we got dates. He can't|be here because we're getting laid.

No, he'll never believe that.

We'll tell him we got ghosts.

So, boys, what's for supper?

-Listen, coach--|-We have ghosts.

We were thinking that maybe you|staying here's not such a great idea.

Nonsense. It'll give us a chance|to get to know one another again.

So you boys take care of that b*tch|that was gonna marry Silverman?

Yeah, we snuffed that b*tch|just like you said.

Good. How'd you do it?

-We--|-Ate her.

You ate her?

-Yeah. We ate her.|-Alive.

My hat goes off to you.

You boys are smart.|That's the perfect crime.

Wonder what's on the tube.

-No! Coach!|-No!

What the hell we got here?|Some kind of public access show?

That's the kidnap victim, ain't it?

You didn't kill her!

No. Coach, listen....

I am really disappointed in you boys.

I want you to go out there|and off that cooze.

We can't, coach.

Oh, for Pete's sakes!|Look! She's getting out!

Go chop her head off or something.

There's no fight left in you boys.|You're nutless. You been pussified.

Don't worry about a thing, boys.|I'll take care of that broad.

-Don't worry!|-Who are you?

Let's say I'm a friend of the boys,|and I'm here to kill you.

You don't mind if I try|to defend myself, do you?

Of course not.|I love a good challenge.

Are you okay?

Dude--

Got it?

-I'm so happy.|-Oh, me too.

Does this couch fold out?

What the hell is going on here?

-Judith!|-Yes.

-You're alive.|-Yes.

-Judith?|-Who is this tramp?

I'm not a tramp.

Actually, until yesterday,|I was training to become a nun.

I'm gone for a week,|and you're screwing a nun?

No, no. We're in love.

I thought you were dead.

Oh, really? Well, I'm not dead.|I was kidnapped, okay?

It was hell!|I was beaten, tortured...

...and treated like|a frigging farm animal!

And the entire time...

...the only thing that kept|me alive was the thought...

...that somewhere out there,|my sweet Darren still loved me...

...and that one day|we'd be together again.

It was so horrible.

-Where are we going?|-I don't know. We gotta find her.

-Okay, where to?|-Go left!

I'm going right!

They kept me in|a dark closet for days.

And they fed me, like,|crushed potato chips under the door.

Maybe I should go.

Oh, no.

Please. Please, don't.

Don't leave.

Well, but, I mean...

...Judith's alive,|and she is your fiance.

I know. You're right.|You're right. But....

But you can't go because I....

-Because what? Why, Darren?|-Because I--

-See, you--|-Yeah?

-Well, we-- And--|-Yeah?

Sweetheart, we pledged|our love to one another.

Spare her the pain|of seeing us together.

You...

...run along back to the nunnery.

She's right.

I mean...

...I did pledge.

Okay.

Bye.

She's here! Hey, Darren.

Sandy, hi. Look, I can--|Darren. Sorry.

Darren, look. I understand|that you're really upset.

I probably look like|a really big a**hole--

Dude!

Okay. I deserved that.|But now let me explain--

Okay, I guess I deserved that one too,|but now we're even, okay?

Stop! We only did it|because we love you.

Oh, right, because you love me.

Yeah, man. Come on.|Give me a hug. It's--

-Freeze!|-Get your hands up!

Don't think my presence here|means I forgive you.

I just wanted to tell|you guys in person.

Judith and I are|getting married tomorrow.

You don't want to marry Judith.|Admit it.

-Of course I do.|-Okay.

Then look into my eyes and say it.

I want to marry Judith.

Look into both our eyes|at the same time and say it.

I'm out of here.

Come on. We're sorry, okay?

What we did was wrong.

We gotta stop that wedding.

Dude, how?

Let's go, you maggots!|Kill! Kill! Kill!

Coach. Yeah, it's Wayne and J.D.|Look, we need your help.

I'd do anything for you boys.|Name it, you got it.

Well, we need you to post bail for us.|It's $10,000 apiece.

-No way!|-Come on, coach.

We need your help.

Jail life is real tough. They're--

They're sodomizing us in here.

What?! They're corn-holing you?

Oh, my God. That's horrible.|Don't worry. I'll get you out.

You got sodomized?|Who? I want to meet him.

What is that?

Sounds kind of like my truck.

Come on, boys. Let's go.

Get the lead out, boys! Hut, hut!

Come on, move it!

You're free. Now, where to, boys?

Go left.

Charge!

Sandy Perkus...

...do you vow to lead|a life of poverty...

...chastity, obedience...

...and silence?

Wait!

Sorry.

Look, you can't do this.

-You love Darren, right?|-Well, yeah.

-Well, Darren loves you.|-Really?

Darren's her boyfriend,|but he has this other girlfriend...

-...and he's getting--|-So, what are you gonna do?

Go, my child.

-Okay.|-Come on.

We've got a wedding to crash!

Go. Go. Go.

Bye, everybody!

Damn. Lost another one.

Son of a b*tch.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Oh, here. We got you some clothes.

Where did you get these?

J.D.'s sister.

-She's a stripper.|-And a hooker.

Go! Gotta go!

Oh, my gosh!

Neil Diamond!

What the hell is going on?

Neil, let me explain.

You're the guys who send me all those|letters and tapes. Naked pictures.

What? We never sent you|any naked pictures.

-Dude.|-Sorry.

Mr. Diamond, you gotta|help us save our buddy.

He's marrying the wrong woman.

Sandy and Darren, they broke up.

Love on the rocks.|Ain't no big surprise.

-Help us get them back together.|-I don't know.

Turn on your heart light.|Judith brainwashed him.

For years, Darren loved me,|but I never knew it.

Hold it. Hold it!

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