Scarecrow

How you doing? You okay?

Hi. I'm Francis.

Hey! That's it! That...

Stop! Hold it! Just stay over there!

Hold it! Stop!

Up yours, you two-bit son of a b*tch, you!

Eat cantaloupe,

you bellyaching rhinoceros!

Frank, what the hell's up?

I'm out here now, it's five hours.

I don't know what he said.

You talk to him.

Wait a minute. I'll get him on the wire.

Hold on there.

George. What the hell happened?

I talked to him.

I got Frank on the wire here.

You wanna talk to him?

All right, go ahead. Talk.

Okay, boys, this is where we turn.

- You heading east, buddy?

- Sorry, buddy.

No?

Can I have two coffees?

- Wanna go into business?

- Okay. Where?

- Pittsburgh.

- Okay.

I gotta make a stop in Detroit first.

Yeah, well, I gotta go by Denver,

see my sister Coley.

Okay.

Listen, you got a middle name?

- Why?

- Well, I...

I got a little trouble with Francis,

you know. I...

- Lionel.

- Lionel.

Francis Lionel Delbucci.

Okay, Lionel.

- From now on, you are "Lion," okay?

- Okay. Sounds good.

I'm gonna help you out here, young lady.

We really want to get our coffee.

Freezing our ass off.

I'll have some oatmeal.

What do you want?

Some corn flakes with a little milk.

- Oatmeal?

- Yeah, oatmeal.

And some scrambled eggs.

Anything else?

Bacon.

Toast.

Let me get that cream.

- You got any money?

- Yeah. Some. Not much.

That's okay,

because I got enough to get us started.

What kind of business?

Car wash.

- Car wash.

- Yeah.

It's nothing fancy, but everything is there,

and the best, too.

And I got the money to get us rolling.

It'll be "Maxy's Car Wash."

Car wash. Okay.

For every car, there is dirt.

- So we're partners. I think I get this.

- All right.

This your first day?

- Yeah. Partners.

- Great.

But you gotta work, though.

- Ain't afraid of that.

- All right.

- Fair and square, all right?

- Sure.

- What, you been drifting?

- Yeah. I've been at sea.

- Yeah?

- Five years.

You?

No, I...

- I've been in the joint.

- Joint?

I was in Quentin.

- How long?

- Six years.

That's a long time.

Why Detroit?

I'll show you something.

Open that up.

- It's a lamp.

- That's right.

Guy's carrying around a lamp in a box.

- For my kid.

- Yeah?

- You got a kid?

- Yeah, in Detroit.

I've never seen it, so I don't know

if it's a boy or a girl.

That's why I got a lamp.

I figure a lamp would do fine either way,

you know what I mean?

- You never seen the kid, though?

- No.

But I send a lot of money to it.

- All the money I ever earned, I sent.

- Yeah?

Wasn't much, but I knew it helped.

- You got kids?

- No.

Listen, you can make a lot of money

in the car wash business.

Yeah. And you'll do better

than you ever have.

I got it all down to the percent.

I know every penny, inside and out.

It's a foolproof enterprise.

Absolutely foolproof.

All right. Let's get started.

Hey, fella, you got nothing better to do...

than listen in

on other people's conversations?

I gotta tell you something about me.

I'm like the meanest son of a b*tch alive.

You know what I mean?

I don't trust anybody. I don't love anybody.

And I can tear the ass

out of a goddamn elephant, too.

- We're gonna be partners, okay?

- Okay.

All right. Come on.

- Right?

- Right.

All right. But...

- you gotta be straight with me, right?

- Sure.

I mean fair and square.

We'll have a real good car wash business.

- Okay?

- Right.

Otherwise, I'll break your back.

Sounds fair.

Like this.

Damn.

- Don't bust my lamp, that's all.

- Yeah.

Can I have a bottle of beer

and a chocolate doughnut?

Do you think there's anything

we can do around here?

- Like, for a job?

- Yeah.

And stay out! I'll kick your ass!

- Son of a b*tch, you... Come on out here!

- Get out of here, you bums!

- Go on!

- Get out of here!

Get going!

Hit the pavement!

- Get out of here!

- Come on!

- You're crazy! Get out of here!

- F*** you!

Man, I didn't start it. I didn't.

- I did, right, Max?

- Yeah.

That bastard.

Bust his goddamn ass for him.

If I could have got a hold

of that fat bastard out in the alley...

I'd have whipped his ass.

- You get in a lot of fights, don't you?

- You wanna start with me?

Go ahead. Put them up.

Guy must've had false teeth.

First time I got busted was for fighting.

I was screwing this cabdriver's wife.

He came home early.

We ended up out in the street,

and I was naked.

That's a beauty.

I really nailed him.

He was kind of a nice guy, too.

It's a shame.

You don't have to hit people.

Not if you make them laugh.

Bullshit.

Max, you know the story

of the scarecrow?

No.

You think crows are scared

of a scarecrow?

Yeah, I think they're scared. Why?

- No, crows are not scared, believe me.

- No, the goddamn crows are scared.

No. Crows are laughing.

- That's bullshit.

- That's right. Crows are laughing.

Look, the farmer puts out

a scarecrow, right...

with a funny hat on it. Got a funny face.

Crows fly by. They see that,

strikes them funny, makes them laugh.

The goddamn crows are laughing?

That's right. They're laughing

their asses off. Then they say:

"That old farmer Jones down there,

he's a pretty good guy.

"He made us laugh.

So we won't bother him anymore."

- The goddamn crows are laughing.

- They laugh.

I gotta tell you something.

That's the most harebrained idea

I've ever heard.

Well, it's true. Laughing their asses off.

The crows are laughing at it?

Yeah, man.

- I guess the fish are reciting poetry.

- I guess so.

And the pigs are playing banjo?

And the dogs, let's see...

the dogs would be playing hockey, right?

- And the...

- Crows are laughing.

Crows are laughing. Right.

In the joint, I heard some tales.

Oh, boy, howdy. I heard some tall tales.

But at least those guys in there,

they had the decency to admit...

that that was just bullshit.

You know what I mean?

It was just bullshit.

They actually... They took pride...

Pride in it, that it was bullshit.

But the crows are laughing?

Oh, brother.

I mean, you're not playing

with a full deck, man.

You got one foot in the great beyond.

Max, what do you do when it's cold?

I put on more clothes.

I'm a cold-blooded bastard.

I can never get warm enough.

Gotta take a little nap after every fight.

- What's with the shoe?

- What's with minding your own business?

Boy, some partner I picked.

You didn't pick me. I picked you.

Why?

Because you gave me your last match.

You made me laugh.

The damn crows are laughing.

I remember the first time

I was in Catholic school.

A nun called me up in front of the class,

says, "Francis, stick out your hand."

So I stick out my hand.

She whacks it with a stick.

I said, "What did I do?"

She said, "You were talking."

I said, "No, I wasn't."

She says, "Yes, you were."

I said, "How could I be talking?

I don't know anybody here.

"This is my first day in school."

That's as far as we can take you.

Hey, chief, I thought

you were gonna take us to a town.

This is our town.

No wonder they lost the war.

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