SCARED SHREKLESS Page #2

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Hey, hey. What the...?

And we needed to find us some shelter.

This is my turn to tell a story.

Hey, hey.

The kindly innkeeper

was warm and friendly.

She made me feel all bubbly inside.

My trusty sidekick here

would love to freshen up.

- Sidekick?

- And I would love some waffles.

- We are equals.

- Oh, man. Of course we are.

The noble donkey reassured his

clearly inferior sidekick.

I'm getting a little tired of this.

But before Puss could finish

his thought,

he decided to take

a well-deserved tongue bath.

What the...?

Well, as long as I am here.

But right then,

danger came from behind.

And Puss was never seen again.

The end.

No! That is not how the story goes.

I was well aware

of the approaching danger

and went for my steel!

Don't worry, little buddy.

I'm here to save you.

Oh, you're killing me.

It was Prince Charming. He was packing

heat and he wanted revenge!

- I want revenge!

- He said.

But before anyone could do anything...

It was awful and it was terrible

and it was really, really scary.

What? No! Go back.

Although the Charming was fast,

I was swift enough to repel the attack

and leap to safety.

Which is exactly

what he wanted you to do.

Charming laughed,

just like a crazed maniac.

No, I'm sorry, but I would never

let that happen to me.

Instead, I... I woke up.

Yeah, that's right. It was all a dream.

You mean a nightmare. You know

you're on the ceiling, right?

I will get you for this.

Oh! And then the lights went out.

It was horrible and sad

how Puss pleaded for mercy.

Mercy? Please.

Said Puss,

with his last dying breath.

But when the lights came back on,

it was the donkey

who was taking a shower.

Oh, my goodness.

Why would I do that?

And right behind you,

there was danger.

- Oh, man.

- You were paralyzed.

It was a donkey-eating waffle.

It was packing heat

and it wanted revenge!

I want revenge!

The donkey... ran.

But how far can you run

when you are on a plate,

covered in butter, wearing a pink tutu?

- No!

- And a sombrero!

And a coconut brassiere!

And about to be eaten alive!

No! Please!

Please, I'll switch to pancakes.

And the donkey was never seen again.

But what Puss didn't know

is that right behind him

was the one thing he feared more

than anything else.

- No. You wouldn't.

- I would.

- You didn't.

- I did.

No! Anything but that! No!

The end.

I'm pretty sure that's cheating.

It worked, didn't it?

Who's next in our little contest?

Has anyone seen the mice?

Are we there yet?

OK. I think it's time for a story

that's actually scary.

Yeah, whatever.

You had your chance.

Now then.

Something beyond comprehension

was happening to a little boy

on this street, in this house.

A man had come as a last resort,

because... no one else

would go near the place.

I hear you've been expecting me.

- You are the...?

- That's right.

I am...

...the babysitter.

Yes, yes.

Thank goodness that you've come.

My boy. I don't know

what's gotten into him.

I've never seen anything like it.

Trust me, buddy, I've got

three little ogres at home.

This will be a piece of cake.

Father.

Father!

- OK, then.

- Look, I'm telling you.

I've tried every trick in the book.

You see?

"Once Upon A Time-Out"?

Oh, come on, now.

- You're gonna listen to a goose?

- Please. You don't understand.

It's like he's two different people.

What your kid needs is discipline, not

a bunch of psychological mumbo jumbo.

You just gotta walk in there,

look him in the eye,

and show him who's...

Please tell me he's an only child.

Bubblegum fish pants...

Hello.

Well, here's your problem.

His head's not screwed on right.

When you wish upon a star,

you get lots of stuff.

Well, I wish for a nice, quiet evening

where you go to sleep

and I raid the icebox.

OK.

See? That was easy.

It's like I always say,

when it comes to good parenting,

you have to be fair but firm.

You just show 'em

that you mean business...

And he's out of bed again, isn't he?

You never have this problem

with sock puppets.

All right, what's this all about?

Voices.

- Voices?

- In here.

Telling me what to do.

You have voices inside your head.

Sometimes.

And what kind of things

do they tell you to do?

The early bird catches the worms!

What's gotten into this kid?

Hey! You're going to...

Maybe you sing him a little song.

Come here, you... Hey!

What the...?

Do I look like the kind of guy

that knows a lullaby?

Sing!

Lullaby and good night

Close your big creepy eyes

If you sleep

Away I'll creep

And get out of here alive

You know, once you get past

all the splinters and rope burns,

he's actually kind of cute.

Now where did he go?

A bird in the hand is worth

two in the bush.

Now there's something

you don't see every day.

Get him off! Get him off!

Come back here, you!

I regret nothing!

I'm too young to have termites!

I'm no termite, Pinocchio.

I'm a cricket.

You were the voice in my head

this whole time?

That's right.

I'm the one who was putting

all those thoughts in your noggin.

I'm your conscience,

and as long as you let me,

I'll always be your...

The end.

That wasn't me.

I never had any bugs in my head.

Ask anyone.

OK, then. Why don't we start

by asking your conscience.

Now who's cheating?

Well, Donkey,

looks like it's just you and me.

Go ahead. There ain't nothing

you can say that can scare me.

Oh, well, I suppose

there's nothing left to do

but sit here in the dark

and wait for the ghost.

Ghost? What ghost?

Farquaad's ghost, of course.

As a matter of fact,

if I remember correctly,

I believe you had a hand

in his untimely demise.

Hey, man. That was an accident.

And besides, all that ghost stuff is

just an urban legend.

- You know that.

- Is it?

OK, OK, that's...

that's just the wind.

Donkey!

And apparently it knows my name.

That's very funny, Shrek.

But I know it's you doing this.

Hey, I'm standing right here

with you, Donkey.

No way. This place is

not haunted by a ghost,

and when the sun comes up,

Donkey will be the new King of...

It's right behind me, isn't it?

- Donkey.

- Oh, my goodness!

Well, that's what I'd call

a "knight" to remember.

What do you say

we scare ourselves up some dinner?

I'd say... grab the kids

and let's get going.

And that's why

we're the Kings of Halloween.

He was so scared. We probably

won't see him for a month.

So, what else have you got

in your bag of tricks?

I've got seven eggs.

Perfect.

I love this holiday.

Oh, very nice!

I am not happy!

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