Scary Movie 4

Oh!

Ow!

Help! Help!

Am I dead?

You're not dead.

You've been taken

against your will.

Kobe? Who is that?

Dr. Phil?

What the hell's going on?

I don't know. I was doing a show

on teens with abandonment issues...

and suddenly, I woke up here.

Man, those kids

are gonna be pissed.

Hello, gentlemen.

You don't know me,

but I know you.

You both play games

with other people for a living...

but, today, you play a game

for your lives.

Right now, you are both

breathing in a deadly nerve gas.

You have 120 seconds to reach

the antidote...

or you die.

Oh, my God!

We better get out of here!

Let the game begin.

There!

Hit the metal arm

with something.

There.

Damn it!

Sorry.

Shaquille, I'm not angry at you...

but we are one minute

away from death.

Just shut out the "No" voice.

Own your success.

Oh!

Just make the damn basket!

What the hell was that for?

You hurt my feelings.

Your feelings?

To hell with your feelings!

Everybody with their feelings!

"I'm obese."

"My kid's a brat." "Help me. Help me."

Just shut up!

Why can't I fix anyone?

I'm so dumb and worthless!

Mama was right! Mama was right!

Hey, hey! Pull yourself together.

You're a brilliant doctor.

Not exactly.

- What?

- I-I just tell people to "get real."

I'm not even a psychologist.

I'm... an electrician.

I failed you, Shaq.

I failed you.

- Booyah!

- Yes!

This will never work.

Of course- he wants us

to cut through our feet.

You go first.

Bullshit.

Yeah.

You're probably not man enough.

I guess your mama was right.

Never!

Who's the coward now, Mama?

Candy from a baby.

- Oh, my God!

- I did it. We're saved.

- What's wrong?

- Wrong foot.

Motherfu-

No one believed

in the early years

of the 21st century

that our world was being

watched...

the way a man with a microscope

might scrutinize the creatures

in a drop of water.

Yet across the gulf of space

a terrible evil prepared

to unleash itself

upon an unsuspecting human race.

You're up early.

Come back to bed.

Come on.

Please.

Hello? Hello?

Tom! Oh!

I know you missed me.

Oh, I missed you too. God, you look great.

I wanted to come by to thank you

for setting up that job interview for me.

This isn't a good time.

I just need something to keep me busy

now that Cody's out of the house.

He just turned 11.

I enrolled him in military

school last year.

It's supposed to be

a great program.

Boy, kids, you know,

they just grow up so fast.

So I heard

that you were dating again.

Knowing you,

I bet she's brainy.

"Quixotic."

Oh, you know, your work with

the elderly really inspired me, Tom.

I mean, they have

so much to teach us...

and we have so much

to teach them.

You know, ultimately, they...

really are just like us...

only... older.

Anyway, I'm hoping that

a new career will help

keep my mind off of...

bad memories.

I'm sure you have memories, too.

He's the kind of person you never forget.

Sometimes, I wake up in

the middle of the night

wondering where he is,

and then I remember.

I know you miss him, too,

but it's really been hardest on me.

I'm rattling on, but if you

don't vent your emotions...

they just well up inside of you

and burst out.

The harder you try,

the harder it all gets...

till you just can't

shake it off anymore.

Oh!

Like you're carrying around

this enormous burden.

Sometimes your problems

get so big.

- And then what do you say to yourself?

- Jesus!

Yes, you can turn to religion

or family and friends...

but in the end,

you're still in agony.

Maybe that's why

I want to become a nurse.

I'm just- I'm so in tune

with everyone's emotions.

I guess I've always had

a knack for being-

Oh, my-

Ryan, go home.

You've been working 16 straight hours.

Come on, I need the overtime.

Don't worry. Okay?

I'm wide-

Ryan! What are you doing?

That was gold bullion-

No, not the monkeys!

They're loose!

Damn it, Tom!

What the hell happened back there?

Aw, come on, Ed.

That could've happened to anyone.

Oh, yeah?

You know what your problem is?

As soon as the going gets tough,

you give up.

You're right. I quit.

Ah, you don't get it, do you?

You could be the best,

if only you'd see things through.

- I don't know.

- Give me a break.

What can I tell you, Ed?

I guess I'm no good.

Maybe I just don't have what it takes.

What are you talking about?

You secured that tricky H-500 unit, didn't you?

Aw, come on. That was easy.

Tom Ryan.

I haven't seen you in a while.

Well, I spend every waking minute

of my life operating a crane.

God, I hate my job.

Yo, Tom! Where you been?

Mahalik.

Yo, C.J.,

this is my boy Tom Ryan.

We used to work together

down at the docks.

Ya-hi! Ya-hi! Ya-hi!

- Hey, Tom. How's the family, man?

- You remember Marilyn?

- Your lovely wife- how could I forget?

- She dumped me.

Yeah, I know.

I slept with her a few times.

- What?

- Me too.

You guys talking about Marilyn?

Great lay.

My pops introduced me to her.

Ever since the divorce,

it's like my life has no purpose.

Half the time I walk around

feeling like a zombie.

Yo, don't joke about zombies.

That sh*t there- that's real.

Yo, you know Nashawn,

down on 120th Street?

Yeah.

She told me that she heard a zombie

going through her trash the other day.

The next morning,

she turned up missing.

- Uh-

- What? Okay, back up.

How in the hell

do you "turn up missing"?

'Cause nobody knows where you are

when they realize you ain't there!

Guys, I'm trying to ask-

So you telling me that you can appear

and disappear at the same time.

No, man. You can't appear

and disappear at the same time.

- The b*tch ain't David Copperfield!

- Uh, guys-

Mmm. No, no.

But you can't be gone from one place

and show up somewhere else entirely.

So when you turn up,

you're never missing.

And when you're missing,

you never turn up.

Unless... you a zombie.

Damn!

Hey, that's some plausible sh*t right there.

You should blog about that.

- I'm gonna put that on MySpace.

- You do that!

Hey, Tom.

You know what you need to do, man?

You need to get away from all this.

- You need to take a break.

- Oh, I don't know.

No, no. He's right, man. You should

come fishing with us one weekend.

Me and Mahalik, we found

this great spot last summer.

Yeah. A great spot.

Hey. You cold?

- L-Little bit.

- Hmm.

Hey. Look, man, um-

I'm not on the down-low

or nothing, all right?

Oh, that's cool, man.

Me, neither.

- Hey, what you doing?

- Relax, man.

I'm just trying to grab some nuts.

C.J., what are you doin'?

- I just wanna eat some peanuts.

- Huh?

See? Peanuts.

Ooh, baby.

Yeah...

we caught a lot of fish.

Yeah.

Black cod.

Damn.

Tom, you don't-

I don't want you thinking that-

Hopefully, this doesn't

affect your opin-

Why would you do that,

and that's my first time meeting him?

Late again, Tom.

- Hey, Marilyn.

- I thought you were moving.

It's all I can afford right now. You took

everything in the divorce except my name.

No, actually, the judge

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