Scary Movie 5

Previously in teen

horror films...

Hello, and welcome

to Movie Phone !

If you know the name of

the movie you'd like to see,

press one.

To choose from a list

of current,

overpriced blood-splattered

blockbusters, press two.

For cheap flicks with

a gay best friend, press three.

For big studio bombs,

press four.

For politically correct

buddy movies, press five.

- Dad?

- Hello, Cindy.

This isn't Cindy.

I think you have

a wrong number.

Uh, wait a minute.

What number did I dial?

- Who is this?

- The Killer.

- Is that yours or mine?

- Ignore it, I have voicemail.

Do you like movies?

Yeah, sure.

I rented some tonight.

What kind of movies?

The usual-- Vaseline Alley,

Two Guys and a Girl and a Horse,

- A Big Black...

- I get it! I get it!

Do you like

scary movies?

You mean like

Spike Lee movies?

Lay off the Spikester.

He's keeping it real.

Let's play a game.

Do you like games?

I guess...

Alright, a train leaves

Chicago doing 60 miles an hour...

Math ! How am I supposed

to know that?

I'm a beautiful, popular, rich kid

with a promising future...

...in a lightweight sorority

at a state college.

I don't need to know that stuff,

I'm gonna get married.

Shut up!

Shut up, you nit wit.

Do you think this

stalking thing is easy?

- Whoa !

Are you in my pool?

Hello?

- Collect call from...

- The Killer.

- Will you accept the charges?

- Whatever.

Go ahead.

Killer:
Thanks,

now where were we?

- Now look, geek.

- No, you look.

If you don't get this next question

right, you're dead meat.

Who's buried in Grant's tomb?

Ummm, Hugh Grant?

I'm afraid not, genius.

It was Amy Grant, wasn't it?

I was gonna say that!

It doesn't matter.

You didn't answer

in the form of a question !

Hey, you're

not Marilyn Melons !

Hello.

Yeah, hold on a minute.

It's Stacey.

H i.

Do you mind?

Nothing.

What are you doing?

Oh my God.

What did she say?

She is such a b*tch !

I've got to go.

I'll call you back.

Oooh. Oooh.

I'm melting.

PA:
Good morning,

students.

Cheerleader try-outs

will be held after school today,

in the gym.

You must be 1 8 and comfortable

with partial nudity.

- Did not.

- Did too.

- Did not.

- Did too.

Did too.

Mom !

Alright, Dawson.

If you'll just sign here,

you'll be officially registered

at Bulemia Falls H igh School.

Hey, new kid !

Slab, is that the way we introduce

ourselves to the new kid?

Sorry, Mrs. Peacock.

Ha !

Two for flinchin', New Kid.

H i, I'm Dawson.

That's better.

Man:
We have rules

at this school, Mister.

And "no" means "no."

I'm never gonna get laid.

Dawson, I'd like to introduce

you to Principal Interest.

Ahem.

Oh, I'm sorry.

"The Administrator Formerly

Known As Principal."

Wannabe.

Hey, New Kid !

Oh God !

Looks like someone is gonna have

to show you the ropes.

Boner?

It's pronounced

Bah-ner, sir.

The "O" is soft.

Not according

to Resusci-Annie.

Just show him around.

And for God's sakes,

wash your hands first.

Mary, you're next.

H i, I'm Boner.

It's nice to meet you.

Yeah? "Witch?"

Try "rhymes with..."

Charmed my ass !

Call me.

Goddamn Shannon Doherty.

Hey, New Kid !

I'm Barbara.

- How'd you like a Hertz Donut?

- I'd love one. Thanks.

Ow!

H urts, don't it?

Hey, guys.

- H i Martina.

- H i, Mrs. Peacock.

Hey, New Kid.

Dawson:
Wait a minute.

Is she...?

Did you hear the news?

- Wrestling's fake?

- I'm not pregnant?

He who smelt it,

dealt it?

No, about Screw.

Slut. Whore.

Do you have her number?

Who?

Murdered. Gutted.

Flayed, sliced, diced,

fried and hung.

Jesus !

I'm never gonna get laid.

And it's all over

the TV and news.

Oh great!

Now everbody knows !

Do they know who did it?

Some guy in a ghost mask.

That doesn't sound scary.

Store-bought?

Ewwww!

PA:
Attention,

students:

The fight between the Bloods

and the Crips

is postponed

until next Friday.

Refreshments and

a lovely dance will follow.

At least

I feel safe here.

Hi, Chuckie !

Wanna play?

We'll be okay

at school.

Nothing can happen

to us here.

This is the kind of thing

you read about.

Books are pretty.

Oh my God, he's right.

What's the big deal?

Kids get killed everyday.

This is high s chool.

Slab:
No, Dawson.

This kid was white.

So?

And, she was popular--

like me.

Ohhh.

I hope that's

Barbara Walters.

What a rack.

H i, I'm Hagatha Utslay

from Empty-V News.

Kids, what do you

think about...

Wait, is that Dawson?

Tape this.

Chop, chop,

you fat rat bastard !

I'm Hagatha U tsley live

from Bulemia Fall H igh...

where we're surrounded here by

a group of "innocent" students,

most importantly,

Dawson Deery.

Student, drum major...

...and inspiration for

my best-selling book

" Dawson Is A Murderer."

- That book sucked.

- Not according to Oprah.

It was her pick

of the month.

So was "Chicken Soup

for the Butt."

That doesn't mean

I killed anyone.

Stay away from me.

Isn't it true

that your whole entire family

was murdered under

mysterious circumstances

while you were supposedly

at "camp"?

- H uh?

- H uh?

- Ooh !

- B*tch went down !

Just like home !

Yeah that, and they didn't

have a boxing team.

Guys, that is no way

to treat a lady.

U nless she burns the toast.

That's no lady.

What are you doing

here anyway, Doughy?

You're not a real cop.

Shouldn't you be guarding

the Orange Julius.

NYPD Gap,

Sergeant Sears,

food court police.

How many times

have I told you guys,

mall se curity is just as

important as real police.

It is !

Loitering and stealing

pennies from the fountain

are serious crimes that carry--

Mom says you're a loser anyway.

Well, Mom says you have

a fat ass.

Dad left be cause he hated you.

No, he left be cause

he hated you.

He wasn't even your

real dad anyway.

You know, I read your diary,

Miss "Boo hoo, my gym teacher

molested me."

- Dork.

- Dyke.

What?

Excuse me, I don't mean

to interrupt this family reunion,

but are you actually working

on this case, officer?

Primessuspekt.

Doughy Primessuspekt.

And, yes I am.

It te chnically, falls under

my jurisdiction be cause

"The Killer's" costume was stolen

from the Spencers at my mall,

that, and some whoopee

cushions and some fake dog sh*t.

Pardon me, "canine" sh*t,

who cares about that crap?

I do.

A cool kid was gutted

last night.

Come on, it's probably some

harmless high s chool prank.

Look, this is lame.

Let's get out of here.

Hey, you guys, I got an idea !

Let's all make a pact

to lose our virginities

before graduation.

I'm in.

In unison:

We're not.

Yeah, me neither.

Yeah !

Little bastards.

I could just kill 'em.

Yeah, but you didn't,

did you?

I'm just kidding you.

No really--

You didn't kill them, did you?

So, you're one of those

network reporters, huh?

Actually cable.

But that's just as important.

Oh, it's more important.

Be cause on cable you can

see butts and boobies,

and you can say bullshit

and bastard.

So, do you actually have

any inside dirt?

As a matter of fact, I do.

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