Scary Movie 5 Page #2

Killer boots.

Thanks, I like yours too.

Thanks.

I guess I'll see you later.

I hope so.

- Oh, sorry.

- That's okay.

Come on, lard-ass !

I'm gonna keep

my eye on her.

She's got class.

Attention students:

The band fundraiser

will be held next Thursday

in the auditorium.

Lick'er in the front,

poker in the rear.

I didn't do it!

We didn't say you did it.

Boner, you couldn't get laid

at Lilith Fair...

much less kill somebody.

I could too.

Well, kill somebody I mean.

I could kill all of you.

But I wouldn't.

Oh.

That's what I'm saying.

I didn't do it.

Now Slab...

he's a killer.

Just look at those earlobes.

Way low.

Really?

H mmm. Skinny mirror.

That guy looks really familiar.

That's Spacey, Dawson.

He's banging the French teacher.

Really?

She's from France.

Paris, France.

Madame La Tourneau.

Yeah, he says

the sex is awesome.

Lucky dog.

Au revoir, Spacey.

Call me later.

Say bye-bye to Pa-pa.

Bye-bye.

- Hey, Martina.

- No, Boner.

Hey, Dawson, do you have

any lotion I can borrow?

It's for my rash.

I've got to go to class.

Okay.

Okay, settle down, class.

Settle down. Settle down.

That's it. That's it.

I'm your substitute,

Mrs. Tingle.

Today we're going

to be studying

about the perse cution

of the Jewish people.

Who can tell me what the verb

is in this sentence?

Sabrina? Moesha? Daria?

Ooh? Eeh? Ooh ah ah?

Who can tell me if Frankenstein

was circumcised?

Martina? Don't forget to give

Grandma her laxative.

I won't.

Slab, I think you've had enough.

Why?

Be cause you won't have

any room for beer.

Whew, that was close.

Man, if I wre cked,

my dad would kill me.

Hand me a beer.

Guys, I think our senior year

is going to be the best ever.

I'm the new Kielbasa queen.

I just got accepted to

Harv ard Law School, baby.

I just got a foreign exchange

student living in my house.

She's Swedish !

- And I just got a D in math !

- Yeah !

Slab! Look out!

I think I hit something.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Yup, I've got a fever.

Slab, you've got blood

all over you.

Oh, that's no problem.

It comes out with

a little tequila.

Old s cout trick.

Slab, give me a hand.

Wasn't that trophy enough?

Yes, but we have

to dump this deer.

Alright, sweetie.

Can everybody keep a se cret?

Mar-teeen-ahhhhhhhhhhh.

Yes.

This never happened.

Who can tell me how

to conjugate the verb "expire"?

" Doughy."

That's an interesting name.

Thanks.

It's my dad's name.

He's a baker.

Hagatha.

Now that's a beautiful name.

Thanks.

My friends calls me Hag.

Oh, do they?

That's so cute.

Dammit! She's flat!

Actually, they're C cups.

I guess I got to get

these things redone.

Doughy.

Doughy...

I was wondering, how did you get

into this line of work?

Well, I got too fat

for the ballet,

and I could never

get my bulge right,

so I figured,

"What the hell?"

Hagatha...

Do you have a boyfriend?

Well, not yet.

Mail order, huh?

I tried that a few times myself.

If it doesn't work out,

would you let me know?

I sure will.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

Okay, Tiffany, Amber,

into the chair.

Come on, shake it!

Ladies...

Now, I need a volunteer.

Boner, you look like a victim.

You're up.

B-But, Mr. Hasselhof,

I-I can't swim...

- Perfe ct.

- No!

Parko!

I want to live.

Oh yeah, I want to live...

Yeah, right now, please !

Yeah.

Not so much tongue, Amber.

Now this is a textbook example

of mouth to mouth resus citation.

Some of you may want

to practice this at home.

Or, if you'd like

to stay after class,

- I'd be more than happy to...

- Ewwwww!

Boner!

It's Bah-ner, sir!

Not at the moment...

You have to make sure

this gets to the governor

as soon as possible.

It's my last chance,

little brother.

Otherwise, I'll fry.

Don't worry, Jimmy.

You can count on me.

Time's up, Boner!

It's Bah-ner, ma'am.

Not for long.

Dead Boner Walking.

I hope you guys don't mind,

I may have to get home early.

Me and Milli,

my Swedish exchange student,

are about halfway

through the Kama Sutra.

Awww, Boner.

I don't want to share you.

Yeah, what's she got

that we don't have?

A twin sister.

Slab!

Look out!

Can everybody keep a se cret?

I'll fry.

Yes.

This never happened.

I'm never going to get laid.

Slab, I think you've had enough.

Really, darling?

Your concern is admirable,

but completely without merit.

I'm doing splendidly.

Anyone read that article in the

Times Science se ction last week?

Seems gene splicing

is all the rage.

Slab! Look out!

Can everybody keep a se cret?

Slab, I'm looking

for your Uncle Lou's urn.

We're s cattering his ashes

today. Have you seen it?

No.

Yes.

This never happened.

Shan... Shan... Shan... ah...

Shan... Shan... ah... kah.

Shanakah. Chachi...

Barbara, I'm afraid

it's worse than we feared.

- N urse Kevorkian, you mean...

- Yes, Barbara.

You have chlamydia...

and gonorrhea...

and syphilis...

and crabs...

Whew, I thought you were going

to say that I have herpes.

Oh yes, and herpes.

Damn those Starbucks

toilet seats.

Now young lady,

isn't there somebody spe cial

you wish to make aware

of your condition?

You mean a teacher?

Or, my dad?

Well, I was thinking more

like a boyfriend...

Oh.

Do you have a yearbook?

Barbara, Barbara,

please take some advice

from a women who's had some

experience in this area.

I wish to explain something

that we in the health profession

refer to as "hitting skins,"

"knocking boots,"

"doing the nasty,"

"bumping uglies..."

I'm talking about sex, dear.

Sex can be a beautiful,

sensuous experience

between a man and a women

who truly love each other

and want to share eternity

laying in each other's

gentle embrace.

Or it can be a dirty,

filthy spankfest

in a bus station bathroom

shared by two anonymous

consenting adults

on a layover in Detroit,

and nobody ever need know.

I think you got my point.

Now, should we go and look

at your x-rays?

X-rays with a pap smear?

Oh, we're very thorough here.

I just can't figure out

what this white spot is.

You know, a pair of tube socks

works ever so much better.

Why, when I was your age...

I had this experience

I'll never forget.

There were three of us,

three of us in one bed...

Barbara, honey?

I'm expe cting Reverend Johnson

today, did he come yet?

Almost.

Barbara, I could never

be as beautiful as you.

Or swallow as much sausage.

Can I have your autograph?

Will you marry me?

- No me !

- No me !

Relax, there's plenty

of Barbara to go around.

Today Ms. Kielbasa Queen,

tomorrow the world.

Carmen Elektra,

watch your back!

Slab! Look out!

Can everybody keep a se cret?

Yes.

This never happened.

...and that's how I knew

I wasn't a lesbian.

Now, Barbara...

I think you need to take this

safe sex kit with you.

You never know when

you may need it.

I gotta go.

Alright, but it may not

be here when you come back.

H i, Doughy.

- H i, baby.

- Chicken?

A little, but it's my job.

Do you have any

new suspe cts yet?

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