Scenes Of A Sexual Nature

[SOARING VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS]

[KITE WHOOSHES]

[RHYTHMIC TRUMPETS]

Footballers! Fifty grand a week!

That's ten grand a day.

Well, it's a five-day week.

I mean, one game a week.

Two max.

And they only train till midday,

so that's like...

ten grand a working day.

So what gems does Little Miss Cosmo

have for you this week?

Well, I'm reading about something

called, erm, multiple orgasm.

Don't listen. They make that sh*t up.

Well, apparently not.

Yeah.

Well, multiple orgasms

stop when you get married.

Something to do

with church weddings.

The blessing takes care of all that.

In the eyes of God,

one climax per session is enough.

Well, if that were the case,

I'd go to church.

Multiple orgasms, really (!)

We make do with one at a time.

Do you see us complaining?

No.

There you go.

'Cause you're asleep.

Ho-ho-ho!

[GIGGLES]

Well, Mandy from Oxford here

has at least ten orgasms a day.

I told you, they make it up.

So, by your maths that's what?

Fifty orgasms a week.

Unless she's on a Cup run.

Ow! Christ, I've just come.

Jamie!

Oh, and another!

Shut up! People will start staring.

It's Hampstead Heath. They think

you're weird if you're not having sex.

Ooh, and another.

[LAUGHS]

Seven more and I could move in

with Mandy from Oxford.

[SIGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Would you mind if I?

Oh, no, of course.

Do you come here often?

Is that the best you have?

[CHUCKLES]

Yes, I'm afraid it is, yes.

Oh.

Oh, don't worry. I...

I shan't be asking you to dance.

I find this very comforting.

The view?

Yes.

Ah, it's wonderful

to know that some things...

just stay.

Although I could do

without that bloody tower!

WOMAN:

Oh, really? I love it.

I love it that for a while at least,

we had ambitions beyond concrete.

Hm.

Do you ever wonder

what would have happened

if that chap in Pudding Lane

had noticed that fire starting

all those centuries ago,

and then just put it out?

I suppose the whole of London

would be wooden.

Hm.

Yes, imagine the splinters.

[LAUGHS]

By the way, I do.

What?

Come here often.

Do you?

Every Wednesday, as a matter of fact.

To this very bench.

Well, I never.

Be careful who you ask next time.

Yes, I will.

Well, that is extraordinary.

It's just a habit.

How long

have you been coming here?

Oh. Oh, nearly 50 years.

That's a lot of Wednesdays.

Not as many as it might be.

I'm a strict observer of holidays.

Nice view?

Sorry?

Can you get all of that, or

would you like me to move for you?

What are you talking about, darling?

[LAUGHS]

You are so pathetic.

Oh, good God!

Yeah, isn't he?

She should be careful.

In case some pervy man

were to stare at her pants?

Well, yeah.

Yeah. I saw you.

Saw me what?

Staring at her.

Staring at her pants.

That's ridiculous.

She's very beautiful.

Do you think?

Yeah.

Young, pert.

And what is it you

and your mates say?

About what?

Stomach like a snare drum.

We don't say that.

Right.

So what were you looking at, then?

'Cause I saw you.

Oh! Oh, that!

Oh, God, did you think I?

Oh, that's funny. No, it was...

It was her book.

Oh, right. Her book.

Yeah.

Right.

And what book would that be, then?

"Le... tranger".

"L'tranger".

Er, yeah.

You know it, do you?

Oh, it's seminal.

Albert Camus, unless I'm mistaken.

It is, yeah.

Made quite an impact on me

as a teenager.

Really?

Oh, Camus.

Camus.

Yeah, that book, er, changed my life.

Oh, I noticed she was reading it,

and thought, "Well,

"you don't see it about that often."

So, what's it about, then?

Sorry?

Well, this book that changed

your life. What's it about?

I'm not going to get into that now.

Oh, come on. The book

that changed my husband's life,

I should know about.

[SIGHS]

Go on. You know I love a good story.

Well, you know, it's, er...

It's French.

Mm.

About a man who is an...

tranger.

Right.

A stranger, basically.

Yeah.

Anyway, he goes

on quite an adventure.

You know, new man in town,

the locals are difficult to break.

Mm-hm.

He starts off as a stranger,

and through a series

of beautifully crafted events

he eventually

becomes accepted as the new...

sheriff.

Sheriff?

Yeah. It's kinda like a...

French...

western.

Well, that does sound life-changing.

Yeah, it was.

Mm, mm.

Molly? Molly, what are you?

I'm so sorry to disturb you,

but I was just wondering

if you could help me.

Of course.

We should leave her alone.

She doesn't mind. Do you?

No, I don't mind.

Well, all the same...

What can I do for you?

I just couldn't help noticing

the book you're reading.

Really? "L'tranger"?

Oui.

It's truly a wonderful piece of writing.

Well, do you know what?

My husband was just saying so.

Really? You know it?

Oh, yeah. I mean,

I read it. A few years ago.

Isn't Meursault

an extraordinary character?

His inability to lie,

and his ability to live

so much in the present.

Amazing creation.

Uh, yeah.

And still he ends up sheriff.

Sorry?

Jesus!

No, I was just saying,

isn't it remarkable,

that he can be so truthful

and still wind up as sheriff.

Molly.

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT]

He just clears up that town.

I think you... You may have

the book a little confused.

Oh, really?

Well, yes.

This is a book about the, er...

fundamental existential crisis

of a man

unable to live under the restrictions

that society imposes upon him,

upon all of us.

So...

it's not a western?

[WHISPERS]

No.

Is there something wrong?

We should leave now.

Actually, no, no, no. Come here.

Erm, I'd actually like to apologise

on behalf of my husband.

Apologise?

Yeah.

I'm afraid he's been

staring at your pants.

Oh, for God's sake, Molly.

I'm sorry about my wife.

She's had too much sun.

No, on the contrary, it's my husband

who's been affected by the heat.

But a little bit of advice for you.

Next time

you're sunbathing on the Heath,

you might want to be more careful.

It's full...

of perverts.

Pack up the things. We're going now.

I'm really very sorry.

Erm...

[GIGGLES]

I should...

Were you really looking at me?

Yes.

Yes, yes, I was.

Well...

That is quite frightening.

Oh, God. This is...

Look, I'm gonna...

I really am very sorry.

She gets very jealous.

When you stare

at other girls' underwear?

Well, I don't very often stare,

but yeah.

I suppose in such a circumstance

she would manifest jealousy.

And what about you?

Me?

You. Are you the jealous type?

Oh, God, no.

Molly can stare at who she likes.

It's fine.

Really?

Well, apart from Jude Law,

but that's more of a...

talent issue.

Look, I'm gonna...

I really am very, very sorry.

Would you...

Would you like to look again?

Sorry?

Would you like to have another look?

Sorry, another look at...

Yes.

Erm...

We all need a look now and again.

Like Meursault in the heat.

Yes, like Meurs...

[WHISPERS]

Thank you.

Is that the right thing to?

Why not?

You're welcome.

J AMIE:

Molly!

So, tell me.

Why did you break the habit?

Break it?

Yes, it's Thursday.

Thursday?

Yes.

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