Scenes Of A Sexual Nature Page #2

Are you sure?

Yes, of course.

No, no. It's definitely Wednesday.

Oh, no, no.

No, no, it can't be.

Oh?

Because I always

come here on Thursdays.

Are you being...

a wag?

No, no. I come to this bench

to look at that view on Thursdays.

So, er, it must be Thursday.

Or one of us has got it wrong.

[LAUGHS]

What are you gonna do?

You want me to go?

I want you to make a decision.

Okay.

Okay, fine, I will.

If I go, then...

You bore me, Ludo, you bore me.

I bore you?

Yeah, you bore me to death.

I'm so bored. I'm bored right now.

You're unbelievable.

You're unbelievable!

Yes, you said that.

It's not interesting.

Now make a f***ing decision!

And make sure it's not a dull one.

You're making me do this.

Take responsibility for yourself.

You all right?

You all right, love?

It's just I was walking by.

I couldn't help but notice you,

staring out into the middle distance

a bit like a nutter.

I mean, look, if you

are a nutter, enough said.

But you don't strike me

as your bona fide mental.

I haven't actually met

any real-deal headcases

but they don't generally look like you,

because I've seen 'em on the TV.

And if they did look like you,

then I would be down there

smeared in my own sh*t

quicker than you could say,

"Pass me your underpants, nurse."

You with me?

Ahh...

Look, if I've misjudged

things, then, erm...

Sorry.

You for real?

Oh, she speaks.

I speak.

Which is good to know.

What do you mean, right, when

you said if they all look like me?

Sorry?

What exactly do I look like?

Well, er, you're a...

You're a good-Iooking bird.

A yummy mummy?

Well, yeah, if you like.

I don't have kids.

Right, well, that's even better, then.

Is it?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you have kids?

Bloody hell! I haven't

even bought you a drink yet.

You're too young to be a father.

I am.

How old?

Twenty-five.

No, that's not too young.

Well...

You know, maybe it's not too young,

but it's definitely young.

Compared to what?

Er, to what?

You, you're young.

Compared to what?

Erm...

Er... The telephone.

Yeah, I'm definitely young

compared to the telephone.

[LAUGHS]

You are.

[LAUGHS]

So, what are you young

compared to?

What's that?

What's old compared to you?

What kind of f***ing question

is that?

Why?

What kind of moronic

f***ing question is that?

It was your moronic f***ing question.

I just... It's okay. You can leave now.

Oh. Oh, can I (?)

Yeah, you can go now.

Oh, right. Okay.

So, you're all right, then?

Fine. Thanks for your concern.

[EXHALES]

My name's Noel.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Noel?

As in, er, Gallagher.

And Edmonds.

Oh. God.

Crushes.

What's your name?

Anna.

Oh, as in Kournikova.

As in, I'd quite like

to spend some time by myself.

No offence.

Okay, none taken.

I'll leave you to it.

Thanks for your concern, though.

It's a'right. You already did that.

What you doing?

I'm leaving you to it, yeah?

Okay? Now, if you don't mind,

be quiet, because I need some still.

Mm?

You have got some front.

You know, you shouldn't be

feeding me lines like that.

Are you seriously not gonna leave?

No.

I could scream.

So, scream.

I could get you arrested.

I could say that you tried to touch me.

Well, if I'm going down for it.

You know what? I think

I'm punching above my weight.

I'm just gonna leave you to it.

I'm sorry.

You can stay.

Uh.

Oh...

I don't mind if I do.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What makes you think

that someone like you

has any chance whatsoever

with someone like me?

Y'know, I don't remember

asking if I did.

Come on, you've been drooling

since you saw me.

I have not. Look, I just...

I saw a girl who looked upset

and I made sure that she was all right

and then I decided

to do a spot of meditation.

And there was no drool involved.

You are out of your mind.

Seriously, eh?

You're f***ing with my ch'i.

Molly!

Oh, come on, Molly!

[INHALES DEEPLY]

My boyfriend just left me.

Where?

Here, just now. Ludo.

Ludo? What, as in the...?

As in boring, middle-aged twat.

Shut up.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Has anybody ever told you

that you have great eyes?

Oh, sorry. Are we in Stringfellows?

No, really, you do.

Make an effort.

No, you do. You have great eyes.

Which is lucky.

Lucky?

Yeah. Because they tend

to pull focus from your nose.

What's wrong with my nose?

Nothing's wrong with your nose.

You have a great nose.

You have a great f***in' nose.

Are you seriously trying to tell me

that I've got a big nose?

Not big.

Well, what, then?

What I'm sayin' is that it doesn't

matter what kind of nose you have,

because those eyes

will always overpower it.

Overpower?!

You happen to have a beautiful nose.

My point is that

those eyes are so good

that even if you had

a ridiculous nose it wouldn't matter,

which you don't.

But if you did, I wouldn't notice,

which I didn't until now.

And now I look, it's a great nose.

Yeah, it's great.

You have a great nose.

You've just got no idea

who you're dealing with.

I'm damaged.

We're all damaged, babe.

Who the f*** do you think you are?

Arriving out of nowhere, asking me

all sorts of personal questions,

when clearly

I'm upset about something,

which, incidentally,

has f*** all to do with you.

And then you sit here

next to me, you sit there...

Me, an attractive, single,

vulnerable woman.

You sit here next to me, and

tell me that I've got a beautiful nose.

You know, how f***ing dare you!

Yeah, I'm sorry.

What?

I'm sorry. Um...

I'm sorry that I complimented you.

It was very insensitive of me.

Yes, it was a crap line.

Oh.

Not a hint of originality.

Crap men are one thing,

but crap lines are unforgivable.

All right. Okay, okay.

The whole thing was a line.

All of this was a line, you know.

I saw you rowing with, er, Monopoly...

Ludo.

Yeah, with him. Okay? And I thought,

well, you know, she is very, very fit.

And l... And very, very vulnerable.

And I am very, very horny.

So, yeah, you're right.

I know I'm right.

Well, so, you are.

I know.

So, how did I do?

Sh*t.

Well, you can't blame me for trying.

You can't blame me

for telling you to f*** off.

No.

So, go on, then.

Well, erm...

You didn't scream.

You're right.

I am?

Let's do it.

Do it? What are you sayin'?

I'm saying I want to f*** you.

You're saying you wanna?

Yeah, I wanna f*** you.

You're saying that...

I wanna f*** you.

You need to stop sayin' that.

Yeah, because, erm,

now you're really confusing me.

I wasn't coming over here

to ask you if you wanted to fu...

I was just gonna ask you

if you wanted to go out for a drink.

Yeah, and I just told you that I want

to f*** you.

To f*** me. Yeah, yeah.

Oh. Erm...

Do you?

As a rule, I like not to ask

more than a dozen times.

Right, yeah. Okay, okay.

What, really?

Yeah, I wanna have sex with you.

With me?

Yeah, I wanna f*** you.

You're not being mental again?

So, wait, so what you sayin'?

All these... the lines that l...

Those crap lines,

well, actually, they all worked?

No, they were sh*t.

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