Scenes Of A Sexual Nature Page #3

Oh.

In fact, if you'd said nothing,

I might have f***ed you earlier.

I thought for a moment

that you might interest me,

but, no, there was nothing.

That's wonderful.

Well, we'll see what it is. Come on.

Well, um, what, now?

Okay. Erm, right.

Well, where do you live?

'Cause I'm, erm, like a bus ride away...

Here.

Here?

What? Now?

Right here.

Here?

There.

Wh... Wh...

NOEL:

Errr...

Can you do these?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hang on.

Bit stuck. Bit stuck.

You wanna do this, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait.

Oh, yeah.

What?

You can f*** off.

You bore me.

[DOG GROWLS]

F*** off!

[DOG BARKS]

NOEL:

What you want from me?

[DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE]

I've often wondered

about Cheryl and Brian.

Who?

Ah.

Do you think they were happy?

Well, who knows?

Least they were together.

Ahh, is that happiness?

Well, I suppose

we'll never know about them.

Well, I think they met during the War.

And he went off to fight in France,

and she stayed behind in London,

slaving away

in the munitions factories.

Both of them wondering when or if

they would see one another again.

And intense and terrifying start,

which propelled them through the

hardships and the difficulties, and on.

You know,

like a fully taut bow and arrow.

The greater the tension before

it launches, the further it goes.

Well, I think love's like that.

And I've always felt

Cheryl and Brian achieved

great distance because of it.

Other people's stories

are always fascinating.

Have you achieved great distance?

We have now. She's dead,

and I'm in Cricklewood.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, it's okay.

Has a wonderful dentist.

Cricklewood?

Oh, heaven.

But such very long waiting lists.

Yes.

What about you?

Tommy died five years ago.

Forty-three years of marriage.

Oh, well done.

He was a sweet man.

Very sweet man.

But this bench was my little secret.

I never came here with him

in all those years.

There was a time in the early '80s

when he thought

I was having an affair,

because I wouldn't tell him

where this place was.

Oh, I used to tell him

I was visiting my son.

Anything, just to get here.

It was always important to me

to have my little place.

My little bench. My little view.

You have a son?

Yes.

Oh, he's in his 40s now.

Eddie.

Oh. Oh, that's my name.

So, why here? Why this bench?

[SIGHS]

There was a boy. We were 17.

We only met twice. We met here.

I was engaged to Tommy.

He was engaged to...

I don't remember her name.

And things...

They were different times.

Teresa.

What?

The woman he was engaged to.

She was called Teresa.

And he was called Eddie.

And she was called...

Iris.

He's not your type.

How would you know?

You're my partner.

It's not the same thing at all.

He is.

[YOUNGER MAN LAUGHS]

God, you're not wrong there.

Why are you always reading?

Why?

Yeah. Why?

You know what, Billy? You should

read some more. You might learn

something about yourself.

There's nothing

I need to learn about myself

that he couldn't teach me.

Fair point.

[LAUGHS]

I met this guy the other night.

Oh, yeah?

He had one of those smiles.

What, the sort that says,

"I have no self-respect"?

No, the sort that says

"I'll give you the best blow job

"you've ever had."

Oh, that one.

And did he?

Come on, there are rules.

Mm, the rules.

There've gotta be rules, Bri.

You dirty bastard.

You f***ing love it.

Look, I've been thinking...

I told you. Two's company.

I know, and three's a night out,

but it's not about that.

What, you're not talking about sex?

No.

They said this day would come.

I just didn't believe them.

You're finally gonna

let me have a garden?

I'm not spending the rest of my days

in "The Good Life".

Oh, "The Good Life".

When I was a kid, I used

to really fancy Penelope Keith.

Margo (?)

She's got a touch

of the Maggie Thatchers.

Oh, you were such a confused child.

Oh, don't tell me

you fancied Richard Briers?

Oh, don't be sick.

Felicity Kendal every time.

Oh, f*** off.

No, seriously. I mean,

those dungarees, man.

I swear, if I met her today

I'd still love to have a go.

Anyway, you should spend

less time being nostalgic.

Nothing wrong with nostalgia.

A little bit, maybe,

but you can be nostalgic

about breakfast.

I told you, you should read more.

Penelope Keith (!)

What a minger!

Well, let's face it. We've never

had the same taste in women.

Ah.

So, what were you thinking?

When?

Just now.

You said you'd been thinking.

Or has that thought

already nestled itself

in one of the cavernous

empty corners of your mind?

Imagine the millions of tiny thoughts

there must be scrabbling around,

looking for a way out before their last

gasping breath finally deserts them

and they become another

distant memory of something

that was once a half-decent idea.

You should read less.

I know. I promise, as soon

as you commit to me for life,

I absolutely will.

[SIGHS]

[WINCES]

Oh.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Come to Daddy.

MAN:
All right. What do you reckon?

MAN 2:
Jesus Christ!

MAN:
Bit of a monster, eh? Come on.

MAN 2:
Oi, oi, oi!

No, no. No means no.

MAN:

You walked in with your dick out.

That's 'cause I need a piss.

Well, go somewhere else.

Some of us have sex here.

Christ. Urgh.

Where have you been?

I think I get to ask the questions.

Dirty little...

Aren't you?

Hello.

Where's Eve?

She's just coming.

[CHILDREN CHATTER]

Still need a piss.

You don't have to pretend to me.

It's the 21 st century. It doesn't

have the stigma it used to have.

Very funny.

Give us a kiss.

You've always been

the greatest kisser.

Thanks. You're not so bad yourself.

A shame your friend never found out.

Okay, we can drop that now.

Any time you like.

Ahhh. Come on, Eve.

Daddy needs a wee-wee.

Go and find another hedge.

No chance. No way.

God, you know, I fail to see

how some men can find sex

with men in any way appealing.

Struggle to see how women can.

You underestimate

your immense sexual magnetism.

I'm not the only one.

Oh, poor baby, not getting any?

Look, before Eve gets here,

I brought the papers. You?

Yeah.

Decree absolute.

Feels very final.

Isn't that the point?

I suppose so.

Do you, Sarah Louise Williams,

hereby agree

to never laying any claim

to the life and emotions

of this man, Peter Brian Maxwell?

I do.

Mm.

And do you, Peter Brian Maxwell,

hereby consent to never ringing up

this woman, Sarah Louise Williams,

after you've had a few beers and

are in desperate need of a bunk-up?

I...

I do, I do, I do. Christ, that hurt.

Well, maybe we could

break the rules once in a while.

Oh, just the once?

Oh, what about Saturdays when...

GIRL:

Daddy!

Daddy.

Hello, gorgeous.

How's my little princess?

Mummy bought me

a brand-new bicycle.

Wow. Is it wonderful?

It's the best bicycle in the world.

Well, that's what happens when

mummies and daddies get divorced.

The children

always get lovely presents.

I like your divorce, Daddy.

I think Mummy is much happier.

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