Scenes Of A Sexual Nature Page #4

Is she? Well, so is Daddy,

which makes you

a very lucky little girl.

Why am I lucky?

Well, because you have

a mummy and a daddy who are...

who are very happy.

Bet none of your friends can say that.

I love you, Mummy,

but I want two mummies like Amy.

Mm.

Do you know what a dyke is?

What? It's a d...

Dam. Well, it's a big hill.

Holds lots of water.

Water. Do you know what?

Can we walk a little bit, love?

'Cause Daddy

really needs to find a toilet.

She's seven.

Yeah, right.

Dam. Damn's not a nice word.

Oh, come on.

Damn this. Damn that.

Well, every Wednesday.

For nearly 50 years.

Huh. Shall we, um?

Shall we what?

Well, I don't know. We could, um...

What?

Attack the summit. Mm?

Gosh.

It's a long time since...

Me too.

[SIGHS]

So, how does it feel?

Well, it feels like

I haven't pissed in a month.

I meant about being divorced.

Oh. Feels good.

SARAH:

I knew.

Knew what?

We were married

for the wrong reasons.

What was it about us tying the knot

that just stopped everything?

Well, I think we just

ran out of things to say.

And it often happens

in a relationship.

Some people get to the point

where they say things like

"I've met someone else"

or "I just can't do this any more".

And I went for...

"Will you marry me?"

And you went for "Yes."

The wedding didn't stop anything.

It'd stopped years before.

We both knew that.

[SIGHS]

But that wedding night, though...

Ho-ho! That was

something else, you animal!

I was angry. I mean, well,

nothing beats angry sex.

Yeah, I was furious.

You're not joking.

See, that's where we went wrong.

I've worked it all out.

I've spent a lot of time

thinking about it on the loo.

The thing is, we got married

and then we got wound up.

And we should've

got angrier much earlier.

[GROWLS]

You're insane.

No, I'm happy.

And I haven't had sex in a year.

A year? Who was that?

It was you.

There was only you.

I know.

Shame sex isn't enough.

Yeah, shame, indeed.

Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come to Daddy.

Yes, yes, yes. No, no.

Was it here you dropped it? Yeah?

I can't find it now. It's gone.

No. No.

Bollocks, bollocks. Bollocks, no.

I hate beautiful girls.

If she'd have been ugly...

I love the fact I know

nothing about men's minds.

Never overestimate us.

Oh, I don't.

My mother told me something

once when I was a child.

The only thing

she ever truly did tell me...

EVE:

Mummy. Daddy.

If you want to know

the way to a man's heart,

it's simple...

Yeah, through his stomach.

Through his shirt with a bread knife.

Ouch!

This is for you, Daddy.

Oh, thank you, baby.

Pete, there is one thing

I would like to know.

Oh, look. We're fickle,

sexually frustrated liars,

who think that settling down

is the same as settling for.

No, I mean about us.

Oh?

Well, you're still the most

attractive man I've ever met.

You make me laugh.

You're a great dad.

You earn good money.

And yet I still know you're wrong.

Well.

Well, what?

Look, I have no idea

what's right for you,

or, for that matter,

what's right for me.

Maybe I'm too picky.

Oh, don't be too hard on yourself.

We both know that we know nothing.

Except one thing.

What?

That we both want this divorce.

Except that. Come here.

Ah, yeah.

Oh.

SCOTTISH MAN:

How you doin', big man?

PETE:

No.

For God's sake.

Ahhh.

Oh, yeah. Oh.

Uh. Uh-huh. Mm-hm.

Hallelujah.

Hallelu-jahhh.

Ahh.

Better?

[MIMICS SEAN CONNERY]

Oh, yes, better.

Love you.

I love you, too.

Come on, baby.

Come on. There you go.

Ohh. Give Mummy a kiss.

You're spending the day with Daddy.

PETE:

Ah, now, don't run, don't run.

I can't catch up with you.

EVE:
Come on.

PETE:
Not too far.

IRIS:

It was a beautiful day.

I wanted a big do, but Tommy

found all that embarrassing,

so we ended up with a few friends

in the old civic hall in Belsize Park.

Oh, God, I used

to play darts in there.

We had a huge wedding.

You know, church, reception.

All the trappings.

I've always liked a do.

I'm finding this very odd.

Isn't it?

You know, I can really see you now.

You have the same...

That thing you do with

the corner of your mouth.

EDDIE:

Maybe it would have been better

if we'd, you know, died, not knowing.

Knowing what?

Can I tell you something?

Shall we stop walking, or is this

something I can take in my stride?

No, no, no. Momentum

plays a great part in my life,

and I'd very much like

to get to the top of that summit.

IRIS:

I think you're right.

If we stop now,

we might need a push.

So, what was it

you wanted to tell me?

You've always been

my perfect woman.

You stopped.

I know.

I think that was

because I wasn't real.

Hm. But you are now.

Well...

they do say you should never

come face to face with fantasy.

Wednesdays and Thursdays.

You know, I can't believe this is

the first time that I got the day wrong.

I mean, was it fate?

You know, was it planned like this?

I mean, why do you think?

So that for 50 years

you could be 17 and handsome.

Do you think we're ever

going to get to the top?

You know, up there

where the kites live?

It'd be silly not to try.

I mean, on a day like this.

I used to spend a lot of time up there,

but it suddenly got steeper.

I think it was some time

in the early '90s.

Yes, yes, that's right.

Did they do it deliberately,

so us oldies would have

to put up with the inferior view?

Well, I should like to defeat them.

Right, give me a few steps.

I'll get into my rhythm.

[MOBILE RINGS]

Hello. Now, where might you be?

WOMAN [ON PHONE]:

Were you looking at that girl?

Yeah.

WOMAN:

Do you think she was nice?

Yeah, she was. Very nice.

Where the hell are you? You're late.

I booked you for three o'clock.

WOMAN:

Well, I'm a busy girl.

You spying on me?

Maybe.

Okay, I'm busted. Where are you?

Hello?

Hello?

I've only been away a week, and

already you're window-shopping.

Come here, you gorgeous thing.

[SHE MOANS SOFTLY]

It's good to see you.

You too.

Are we walking or sitting?

Let's see.

I'm feeling a walk.

Okay.

WOMAN:
So, how was the funeral?

MAN:
It went very well.

My grandfather

always used to say to me,

"You stay in the game long enough,

the cards'll eventually turn up."

The lottery of life.

He sounds like a wise man.

He was. And he was killed

by the thing he loved.

Great way to go.

Shame it was a train.

But he died happy.

I just hope he got the number.

[LAUGHS]

Have you ever thought about it?

What?

How you'd like to die?

Have you?

God, yes.

I've narrowed it down to two exits.

Peacefully in my sleep,

or drowned in a Jacuzzi

after an overdose of champagne

poured down my throat

by Thierry Henry.

You be careful what you wish for.

I'm safe. He's married.

He's a footballer.

He's not the affair type.

He's a French footballer.

You haven't answered my question.

What?

Have you thought about it?

Actually, I have.

Well?

Murdered by a jealous husband.

Now stop being morbid.

Do you want a cigarette?

I quit.

When?

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