Scenes Of A Sexual Nature Page #5

At Mum and Dad's.

They don't know I smoke.

How old are you?

That's not the point.

It would upset them.

But you're a...

A what?

A smoker.

Well, I'm not any more.

Okay.

Do you mind if I smoke?

No.

Can I bring up the "H" word?

Oh, come on, babe.

We need to go away.

When was the last time

you had a holiday?

I don't do holidays.

You know that.

I know, but, well,

I'm just thinking about you.

Dah-dah!

Two tickets. The Mariott Hotel

on Spaniards Beach in...

Barbados.

Yeah.

How on earth did I find you?

I found you, remember?

[MEN CHATTER AND LAUGH]

Eve.

Why don't we go

and get an ice-cream?

Again?

Some days you need two ice-creams.

And it just so happens

this is one of those days.

There's more to life

than thoughts. There's actions.

Yeah. What sort of actions

are playing on your mind?

Kids.

Kids?

Kids.

Do you think you could

not shout the word "kids"

while we're sitting here?

People might think we're,

um, teachers or something.

I'm serious.

So am I.

Kids?!

Now you're doing it.

You want to talk about them,

or you want to have them?

I think I do. I think

I really want to have them.

Uh, Billy, you're gay.

So are you.

It doesn't f***in' matter

any more. We can adopt.

I know we're legally

allowed to adopt, but...

But what?

But...

I'm not ready.

You're not ready? You're in your 40s.

I know straight men in their 40s

who aren't ready.

Yeah, but that's different.

How's it different?

Well, it's not down to them.

It's not down to them?

No, it's the woman's choice.

A straight man can remove

any sense of responsibility.

We don't have that luxury.

That is the most ridiculous thing

I've ever heard,

and I've lived with you for 15 years.

Look, I think they would be

a great addition to our relationship.

You can't have kids to add to your

relationship. You have kids 'cause...

you wanna have kids.

Exactly.

They're not just for Christmas.

You know what you're like.

You'll be bored within a month,

and sending them back

to whatever godforsaken home

they came from.

Don't be ridiculous. Look,

I think they would be great for us.

But would we be great for them? Why

does nobody ever ask that question?

I'm fed up with seeing people

start families just 'cause they can.

What about the kids?

What about what they want?

Oh, you sound like Cliff Richard.

Stop.

I'm serious. It's all, " Look at us,

aren't we great for having a child?

"Aren't we great

for calling it Taramasalata?

"Aren't we great for adding

to the population of the world

"and filling it full

of our insecurities and fears?

"Aren't we great?"

Jesus.

If there's one good thing about being

gay, it's that we are, by definition,

environmentally friendly.

And that's it, is it?

Well, no, we can also dress well

without fear of ridicule.

It might help me settle down.

You're doing it again.

"Let's have kids

because it'll make my life better."

Do you seriously think

people should have kids

for purely altruistic reasons?

Altruistic? Have you been

secretly reading my books?

We are all here because

two people needed something more

in their life than what they had.

What's wrong with that?

My parents didn't speak to one

another for a year before I was born,

and then I came along

and everything got better.

And they don't regret me

coming along, and I certainly don't.

I mean, admittedly, they haven't

spoken to me in over ten years,

but they didn't know they were

creating a sexual deviant.

Your parents are cave dwellers.

They are a bad example.

Yeah, but, look, my point is...

that I am the result

of truly selfish behaviour

and I'm f***in' made up about it.

I can see.

I love you, Brian.

And I think

having a child would be a...

An amazing expression of how I feel.

I know that sounds a bit Cliff.

I just think there are

enough parents in the world.

Yeah, that's why they're

closing down all the orphanages.

I love kids as much as anyone else.

I've got seven godchildren,

for f***'s sake.

You have seven godchildren, because

you can't have any of your own

and people feel sorry for you.

Do they, bollocks!

They think it's cool to have

a gay influence. It's North London.

Yeah, well, all that would stop.

No more godkids.

You'd be a father.

What would you be?

A father.

Two fathers!

What a nightmare.

No, it's better than two mothers.

That is sexist.

You've met my mother.

Fair enough.

We'd have to move.

You're thinking about it?

I think we'd have to move.

But you don't think

it's out of the question.

I don't know what I think.

I think I'll have to have a think.

Well, that's all I ask, Bri.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

No, I'm not sure. It just

keeps playing on my mind.

There are things to consider.

Of course.

One of us

would have to give up work.

Would we? Why?

Well, of course.

You can't bring up a baby

if you're both working.

Why? People do it all the time.

Yeah, look at the little wankers

they produce. No, I'm clear about that.

If you're gonna commit

to having a child,

then one of you's got to stay at home.

I had no idea

you were so old-fashioned.

No, I just don't believe

you can do a good job with a child

if you're both

as interested in your work.

That's just how I feel.

Oh.

No, maybe you're right.

No, it's just how I feel.

So, how much do you earn?

You know how much I earn.

Considerably less than me.

Yeah.

So, then, I suppose

it would have to be you.

You cannot make judgements on

a financial basis. That's ridiculous.

I bring in almost twice what you do.

If we're going to be

supporting a family,

then, by your reckoning,

you'd have to give up work.

That's ridiculous.

Why?

'Cause work is about more than

money. It's about who you are.

Well, who are you?

I'm a restaurant critic.

Oh. I'm a financial advisor.

I get more pleasure out of my work

so you should give up work.

That's ridiculous.

Without my income, we would be

out of nappies within a fortnight.

Well, without my job

I'd be out of my mind in a week.

No, it has to be about money.

If I stopped working,

how would we cope?

I'd review more restaurants.

It takes you almost a week to do one.

Food is an art, Billy, something

you will clearly never understand.

No, I understand, I understand.

Your art is much more important

than my... What is it you call it?

Crass pursuit of

the impossible financial nirvana.

You can be such a twat at times.

You can be a twat at others.

You know, we're suited.

Are we gonna look into this, or not?

Yeah.

If you give up your work.

Well, no way. I love what I do.

Yeah, well, so do I.

I'd give up all that,

that's what I'd give up.

All what?

You would?

I would.

I promise.

So I give up my job,

and you give up the casual sex.

But there's still a problem.

What?

I don't want kids.

I just want you.

I want both.

We'll see.

Do you fancy an ice-cream?

Mm, all right.

Be back in a minute.

Tell me about your husband.

Oh.

I mean, you know, if you want to.

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