Scenic Route Page #2

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Put it in! I want

to see it start.

It's just a wire.

Sorry about this.

Just give us a second.

It's just a wire, man.

Look. Okay.

Here.

Happy?

You boys good?

Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

I appreciate it.

Have a good day.

Sorry. Thank you for stopping.

Are you insane?!

Huh?

You stage a breakdown

in the middle of the desert

so that we can talk?

Yeah, and we've had our longest

conversation in the whole trip.

I guess that's a coincidence.

I could have broken my neck

falling down that goddamn hill.

I told you not go up there.

We could have had

a perfectly good talk sitting

right here... Talk?!

But you had to go up and

climb a fricking Mountain.

That was not a talk.

That was you stopping us a

hundred miles from nowhere

so that you could spend a

few uninterrupted minutes

bashing my wife and job!

What kind of a ring was it?

What?

The engagement ring.

What kind was it?

What do you mean, what kind?

Was it a diamond?

Why does that matter?

Why won't you answer?

Fine. I got her a diamond.

So what?

"So what?" So you just forgot

all about the

gumball doctrine?

The gumball doc...

Oh, my God. You gotta

be kidding me.

Has nothing happened to

you in the last 10 years?

So you do remember?

Yeah, I remember it as

something cooked up

by a couple of losers who had nothing

better to do on a Friday night.

Uh-uh. Uh-uh. I

didn't cook it up.

You did. You're the one.

You're the one that said

that you would never

buy an engagement ring

that didn't come from

a gumball machine.

You're the one that said the

poorest people on the planet

are hacking off

each others' limbs

to give you something to

spend two months' salary on.

Look, just because you took

some conversation we had

over beer and macaroni and

decided to make it your religion

doesn't mean the rest of

the world gives a sh*t.

Okay, fine. So you

gave up on diamonds.

Okay. Who gives a sh*t, man?

You give up on your music,

your friends and your family,

and for what, the

rebound girl?

Come on. The rebound girl?

Yes. Really?

Yes, the rebound girl.

I was there.

I saw you and Karen together.

You were insane for the girl.

And... And when she

left, you know...

You were messed up. Okay?

People get that.

But four months later, and

you're engaged to the secretary?

Listen, take a step back,

and see that for what it is.

I fell in love You panicked.

Why do you insist on listening

to the words you're

putting into my mouth

rather than the ones

I'm actually saying?

You got a goddamn dog.

So what?/ You're allergic!

Take a pill.

What's the dog's name?

Sun... F*** you.

No.

No, "F*** You"...

No, "F*** You," I

would believe.

"F*** You" is exactly

the kind of name

that you would name a dog.

No, but your dog's

name is Sunshine.

F***ing Sunshine.

Are you gonna look at

me with a straight face

and tell me that your opinion

was actually considered

in the decision that

resulted in an animal

you're allergic to being

named after a Care Bear?

Oh, my God, you're right. I

didn't get to name the dog.

My life is a sham.

No, no, let me just get

this straight, okay?

J- Just for me.

So the love of

your life leaves.

Okay? And, um, less

than a year later,

you're married to a secretary

who loves dogs and hates

your f***ing music.

I think it's reasonable at that

point to have some doubts, right?

I think it's reasonable to

email your good friend Carter.

You remember that?

"Hey, what the f***, man?

What am I getting into?

Did I make a mistake?"

And before I can hit reply,

you buy a f***ing house!

That's great! I understand.

Right. Okay, fine. You're...

Focus on...

You want to focus on

f***ing square footage,

rather than the fact that

you have nothing in common.

That's okay. You...

It's marriage

counseling by HGTV.

I get it, man. I get it.

And now, you know, after

all this home improvement,

you realize, you know,

you haven't improved

a goddamn thing.

And now you got

no distractions.

"What am I gonna do?"

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

It's the next chapter in the

off-the-shelf life plan

you got from Home Depot!

Right. Procreate!

That's the job that's

never finished.

"Keep my face down.

Keep my nose to

the grindstone."

Just focused on the kid,

and maybe you can go

the rest of your life

ignoring the fact that

you f***ed up, man.

You made a colossal mistake,

and you married, literally,

the first chick to come along.

What... Hey, hey. Come on.

Come on. F***ing...

I'm not saying anything

you don't know already.

Just swallow your pride, and

you'll see how true it is.

You ever talk about my

family like that again,

I will kick the sh*t out of you.

You hear me?

Okay. All right.

Listen, I'm sure

that Cole is great.

I'm sure he's the best thing

to ever happen to you,

but he's not a substitute

for loving your wife.

Joanne was right.

You're nothing but

a piece of sh*t.

Okay.

That's okay. Get in!

I'll get in when I'm...

I'll get in when I'm

good and f***ing ready.

That's when I'll get in.

So it's you and Joanne

against the whole world.

That's all right. That's okay.

You know, you're so scared

to admit that you

made a mistake,

that you just keep on making it

over and over and over again.

But that's fine. That's fine.

You want to keep on believing

your own bullshit,

we'll get you home,

get you back to your

perfect little life

and your "motivational

posters,"

and you can tune

back out and...

and try to forget

all about the fact

that your life is a

complete sh*t hole.

Then maybe, maybe you

can call me in 20 years

when you've f***ing

lost your hair

and you've come

to your senses.

I don't think we'll be

talking much anymore.

Whatever.

Stupid motherf***er.

It probably just

came loose, man.

Are you insane!

Calm down!

Why are you... Calm down?

You want me to calm down?!

You go f***ing around with

the electrical system

in a 30-year-old

piece-of-sh*t truck

in the middle of the desert

with no food and no water,

and I'm supposed to calm down!

I didn't f*** around with it.

I disabled it, briefly.

You should be thankful that

I'm willing to go to these...

Thankful! I should

be thankful?!

Lengths to try to help you.

Who the f*** are you

to be giving me some sort

of life intervention, huh?

You're unemployed!

You're homeless!

Yes, and you hate your job,

and you have a house that's

apparently too small for a guitar!

This is so typical.

This is so typical.

You're constantly doing

something for you

and then saying that

it's for everybody else.

You don't like my wife,

we don't get to

hang out anymore,

so you want me

to get divorced,

right, for my own good...

Yeah. Because I can do better,

but it's all bullshit.

You want me to find

somebody you like better.

It's for your own good.

F***. F***. Sh*t.

I got a good job. I

make good money.

I have a house, a family,

and it kills you,

because you're a 30-year-old

failure who lives in his car.

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