Schizo

(eerie music)

(narrator) Schizophrenia--

A mental disorder,

sometimes known as multiple

or split personality,

characterized by loss

of touch with environment

and alternation between violent

and contrasting behaviour patterns.

(rumbling and clanking)

(ship's horn blowing)

(machinery stops)

(whistle blowing)

(cat meowing)

(men conversing indistinctly)

--No, it's always on the back.

I just want to see the one, the 3:50.

(whistle toots)

(bell rings 4:
00)

(woman coughing)

(baby crying in the distance)

(music playing in rink)

(sneezes)

What are you doing here?

I'm just on my way to work.

Have you seen this?

Ba-da-dum. . .

Oh my God!

What's the matter?

I look about 40.

Read it.

"'Not in these liberated times,'

says Samantha. "

Oh, come on, as if I'd

say a thing like that.

What do you mean?

Well, they've used all

their own stupid words, look.

Oh, I thought you meant

you were going to be giving up work.

How long have you known me, Beth?

Don't ask.

Exactly-- I don't want to sit at home

and knit sweaters, thanks very much.

Have you told Alan?

Yes, frequently, and he never listens.

Oh, you're having lunch with him today.

Me and Leonard.

Oh--

Well, you just tell him

you saw me training, right?

He needs all the hints he can get.

Well, don't blame me

if he phones up and cancels the wedding.

Nothing's gonna go wrong

with this wedding, Beth.

I've made up my mind.

Bye.

(man) Could I speak to someone

about Samantha Gray, please?

The ice queen.

Ice skater.

Yeah.

Well, I want--I want her address.

(man on phone) I'm afraid we can't

give that sort of information.

You must give me her address.

Why do they put these nuts through to me?

All you can do is get

in touch with her agent.

Her agent?

I'll put you through to the library.

Who's calling?

Who's calling, please?

Hello?

Hello?

(clattering loudly)

Of course, there is

another alternative, sir.

You could go on your honeymoon as arranged

and we could see through

this order in your absence.

No, no.

Nothing personal, Jack,

but if I'm gonna enjoy my holiday

I don't want to lie there

wondering whether this

elaborate machinery's

ripping up 50,000 quid's

worth of carpeting.

I know what you mean.

(woman on loudspeaker)

Mr. Falconer, telephone, please.

Mr. Falconer, telephone, please.

Anyway, what's another couple of weeks?

As long as your wife approves, sir.

Yes, well, that I can't guarantee.

Excuse me, sir,

Brian Davis is on the telephone

and your lunch guests are here.

I'll take the call down here,

I'll be up in a minute.

Well, she deserves to be very happy.

(typewriter clacking)

You say that as if she isn't going to be.

Well, one must take

that into consideration.

Leonard.

Look, I know you don't

like Alan, but that's really--

What on earth makes you say that?

Never mind.

Look, I neither like him nor dislike him.

I hardly know him.

Which puts me roughly in the

same position as Samantha.

(laughs)

Oh, we're in one of our

cynical moods, are we?

You mean she does know him?

No, no, she picked him

off the streets, didn't she?

Yes, practically.

Leonard, if you were anybody

other than a psychiatrist,

I would tell you there is such a thing

as love at first sight.

But no, you think everyone's

got an ulterior motive for everything.

And you know as well as I

know that is perfectly true.

I think you fancy her.

You think I fancy everyone.

No, only women.

There are several women I don't fancy.

My wife, for one.

That's why I'm taking you

out to lunch and not her.

Ahh, the wedding party.

Hello, Beth.

Hello.

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

Right, not if I keep

hanging around with this guy.

Yes, the laws against bigamy

are very old-fashioned, aren't they?

Leonard, I think I need your help.

I've just postponed a honeymoon in Barbados

so I can spend another two weeks

working my balls off in this office.

What?

Do you think I'm going out of my mind?

Not if there's money involved somewhere.

Yes, there is.

Perfectly normal.

Good.

Right, well, let's go and eat.

You can continue reassuring me.

I'm not gonna reassure you.

You haven't postponed the wedding?

Oh, no.

It isn't as though it's some big deal,

just close friends and family.

Yes, I was just meaning to ask,

is anyone coming from Samantha's side?

No.

No one at all?

After her mother died,

she lost contact with everyone.

Sad, isn't it?

Very.

(machinery clattering)

(train clacking)

Excuse me, excuse me.

Excuse me.

(sighs)

(sighs)

(woman's voice echoing)

Get out, get out, get out, get out!

Get out, get out, get out!

Stop, stop!

(screaming)

(screaming)

(train whistle blows)

(man speaking indistinctly on loudspeaker)

(whistle blows)

(announcements continue)

--Platform 6.

Intercity service for Wolverhampton--

(traffic passing, horns honking)

Got a room?

Eh?

A room.

A room, uh--

Clear along there-- upstairs.

(man coughing)

(ringing)

Hello?

Oh, hello, Edith.

When have I ever forgotten, Edith?

When have I ever forgotten?

Get the shopping on a Thursday evening.

I'm not getting snappy

but I have asked you not

to ring me at work before.

All right.

Oh, are you finished for today, miss?

Oh yes, better stop

while I've got the energy to get home.

Any messages for me?

No, it's been pretty quiet since I came.

Oh, there was a phone call,

somebody did ask for you

and then they changed their mind.

Turned out they wanted

somebody else after all,

a Jean somebody, a Jean, uh, Norwood?

Oh.

Do you know her?

No-- no, no.

Probably just a crank or something.

Had a rather funny, nervous little voice.

I feel quite sorry

for those sort of people, really.

Anyway, thanks a lot, Ron, goodnight.

See you tomorrow then?

No, something else has been planned for me.

(people laughing and talking)

(man) Everybody gather

'round, gather 'round.

Cheese, cheese, cheese--

(laughter)

(people continue laughing and talking)

All right, get in.

See you at the reception.

Bye.

(laughter)

(all saying goodbye)

(cork pops)

(people talking, music playing)

You look lovely, darling.

Doesn't she look lovely, Richard?

I think you're a great credit.

Aye, about as pretty as you.

It's all right, Alan.

She won't run away.

What?

Oh blimey, if I'd known you

were gonna be so attentive

I'd never have introduced you.

I'd have kept you all to myself.

All right, love, here's your glasses.

I think Sam needs rescuing.

Rubbish, getting on

very well with your mum.

You wait 'til she sees Mother's surprise.

(man) Careful, careful!

You want it on the trolley,

not on the floor.

Are you from the agency?

Well, youre half an hour late.

This is absolutely unforgivable.

We've got three receptions today.

Oh well, take your coat off

and make a start on these dishes.

Mary, I'd like those canaps now,

not in ten minutes, if you don't mind.

Get some more crab sandwiches, Sonya.

Come along, Linda,

the gentleman over there needs attention.

Would you like something, sir?

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