Schizo Page #2

I wouldn't ask him

that question if I were you.

You've been talking to my beloved.

He doesn't need to, dear, he's got eyes.

Come on, don't start an argument.

I wouldn't dream of it.

Mmm--

Mind you, the family's been in carpets

for three generations.

Oh, thank you.

'Course he went to London

and of course I helped him start.

He wanted to--

Richard, I'm sure Bob and Sally

already know the family history.

Really, I do think we should get--

Oh, just the man I want to see.

(phone ringing)

(man) Hello? Hello?

Who would you like to speak to?

Speaking.

(continues in foreign language)

Who gave you permission to move that?

You didn't seriously imagine

you were going to walk

into a banqueting suite

dressed like that, did you?

I don't know what the agency's coming to--

Mary, would you open the door, please?

(men whispering in foreign language)

Could this be for you?

Come along now, everybody,

gather 'round, gather 'round,

they're going to have the cake.

This is your day.

Oh, no--

Is the photographer there?

Has anybody seen the photographer?

Samantha, come along,

dear, and Alan-- that's right.

Mrs. Falconer,

you shouldn't have done this.

Nonsense, dear.

If I had had my way,

it would have been

church bells and choirboys.

Have you got them both in there?

Thank you, thank you very much.

All right, now where's the knife?

Hold it still.

(camera clicks)

Ugh!

(screams)

I'm terribly sorry, Madam.

I'll get another one.

I'll get another one.

I'm terribly sorry.

That's disgusting.

Tanya!

Take that to the Falconer party-- now!

(crowd murmuring)

Now, Edna, don't upset yourself.

I tell you, I'll get to the bottom of this.

(murmuring continues)

What's the matter?

It's so hot in here.

I'm just going outside for a minute.

(door creaking)

Well, thank God that's over.

Oh, yes.

Oh--

Here, I'll put those in water.

Thanks, darling.

Your mother's not gonna come round

with pieces of wedding cake, is she?

I'll go and lock the door.

(sighs)

You look terrible.

How can I look terrible?

I'm a radiant bride.

(laughs)

Well, you look radiantly terrible.

(chuckles)

I'll get some coffee.

Oh, lovely.

(clock chiming 8:00)

(clock ticking)

(phone ringing, Samantha gasps)

Hello?

(man on phone) Jean?

Is that you, Jean?

Who is this?

Did you get my present?

I left it by the wedding cake

for you, Jean.

I've got a lot more presents for you, Jean.

Look, I don't know who you are

but if you phone me again

I'm gonna call the police!

Who was that-- Mother?

No, no, just some nutcase.

He's phoned twice already.

Obscene?

No such luck.

Come on, let's go to bed.

I thought you'd never ask.

(laughs)

Are you coming?

Alan?

Has Mrs. Wallace been in today?

No, it's Friday.

That's funny, everything

seems to be moved 'round.

(clock chiming 10:00)

Sam?

Hmm?

You'd tell me if anything

were wrong, wouldn't you?

Yes, of course, like a shot.

Good.

(screams)

What have you done?

Look!

Oh, my God.

Is it dead?

(sighs)

It was never alive.

(scoffs)

Made in Hong Kong.

Oh. . .

(laughing)

I didn't do it, I promise you.

It must have been Mrs. Wallace,

Christ knows why.

(Samantha gasps)

What is it?

"The old jokes are always the best.

Love, Beth. "

Here, hold that.

(both laugh)

Dear God.

Ooh. . .

I don't think we need that anymore, eh?

(laughs)

(clock chiming)

Mmm. . .

I'll be late tonight.

Oh, okay.

You got anything planned today?

No, not really.

I might do some shopping.

Well, two more weeks, then we'll be away.

Mm-hmm.

The sun will do you good.

Bye.

(sighs)

(water running)

(man on radio) The former Turkish

Prime Minister, Mr. Ecevit,

escaped an assassination attempt

when a man pointed a loaded pistol at him

in a New York hotel last night.

Security men knocked

the gunman to the ground

before he could fire.

He was later identified

as a 40-year-old Greek.

Education officials at Tameside

in Greater Manchester

today start the process

of selecting candidates

for grammar schools after yesterday's--

Alan?

There are 240 places available

next term and 800 candidates.

The council's director of education--

Are you there, Alan?

--contact all primary school headmasters

so that a team of senior teachers

can consider the children's school records

over the past three years.

The selection for grammar school places

will be based on these,

Former Japanese prime minister, Mr. Tanaka,

has been arrested--

Alan?

He's resigned from his party,

the ruling Liberal Democrats,

in which he's still a powerful figure.

In northern Ireland,

a soldier who was hit by a sniper's bullet

in Londonderry last night

is said to be seriously injured.

He was shot in the back

when his patrol was

in the Creggan of the city.

He has been flown to Belfast for treatment.

A fairgrounds proprietor was

stabbed to death last night--

(door creaking)

(clock ticking)

(tapping)

Good morning. (gasps)

How'd the wedding go?

Fine, thank you, fine.

This mop always gets stuck in there,

the handle's too long.

Was it a pleasant reception?

Yes, yes.

You know, I had every intention

of coming, Miss Gray.

Oh, I'm sorry--Mrs. Falconer.

But at 2:
00what should happen?

A ring from Mr. Devon from the Brotherhood.

What could I do?

I had to drop everything.

You know, you should dry yourself,

you'll catch cold.

Have you been upstairs yet?

Upstairs?

I haven't been upstairs,

I've only just got here.

Someone was upstairs.

Ah-- you've begun to see them at last.

What?

The shapes.

I knew you would eventually.

Believe me, I was amazed

when I first came to work here.

I mean, it's not an old house

and yet it's so full of spirits.

It was no spirit I saw upstairs.

I keep meaning to ask Mr. Falconer

if I can bring my daughter here.

She's so receptive.

My friend has a sense of humour.

(chimes on loudspeaker)

(woman) We'd like to draw your attention

to today's special offers,

which are our own brand

of baked beans at 13P,

instant coffee, 47P and

New Zealand rashers, 19P.

(music playing)

(man) Samantha.

Samantha.

Samantha!

(echoes) Samantha!

(cleaver pounding)

(pounding echoes)

(sound fades)

(distorted chiming)

(echoing) Samantha--

(voices overlapping and echoing)

Excuse me, Miss?

(echoing voices and distorted sounds)

You've got to help me,

you've got to help me!

What's the matter?

There's a man, he's following me,

he's going to, he--

Sorry, love.

You don't need this, do you?

(gasping and whimpering)

Got you at last.

(groaning)

Samantha, what's the matter?

I don't know.

Didn't you hear me calling you

in the supermarket?

I was shouting my head off

and you just ignored me.

Oh, Leonard, I don't feel very well.

Let's go over to the clinic,

it's just around the corner.

You know, I was thinking

only the other day,

I really ought to see one of your shows.

Do you--got any coming up?

Well, it's all a bit in the air, actually.

If I can pacify Alan,

there is one at Wembley

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