School Dance

1

Breaking News.

There's been an incident at the

Monte Vista High School lock-in.

Two LAPD officers were at the

scene and witnessed the crime.

We go now live to Monte Vista

where students were gathered

for the annual school dance.

Well, Officer Lagney and I

arrived at the scene

to find these "packs"

of gang members

in the midst of gun violence.

We immediately pounced

the evildoers

and we had the situation

under control.

Yeah, we have to

take care of this

before more innocent

kids are hurt.

Bunch of savages.

Animals that belong in a zoo.

First of all,

that cop is high as hell.

Look at him.

Second of all,

that's not even how it went down.

Let me rewind to the beginning.

This was actually the

greatest night of my life.

Would you believe me if I told

you it was a tale of love?

The cops may have

labeled it a tragedy,

but you can never

trust the police.

Hey, this is my story.

So I should tell you,

it'll probably be a little racist.

Where you gonna be at tonight?

You best believe that you're gonna

be over at Monte Vista High School

because it's going down.

Supa Sizers out there with

their smash hit The Hater Dance

will be in

the neighborhood, man.

It's Power 106's annual

"Unity in the Community" school dance

going down at

Monte Vista High School.

Power 106.

Well, I love that Supa Sizer.

That motherfucking Hater

Dance song is the sh*t.

I'm not gonna give in to that Supa Sizers'

song.

Press it just as soon as I can.

You want Mamma to

walk you in, baby?

No, Mamma, I'm good.

You ain't good, nigga.

You ain't about four feet

goddamn tall. Hold on.

Your Mamma coming.

I don't want nobody

f***ing with my baby.

Ma!

I protects my baby.

Come on.

Let's go.

Now, listen.

If some sh*t goes down,

I want you to page me,

all right?

Ma, nobody uses pagers

no more. We got iPhones.

Man,

I know what's going on in these streets,

God help you.

Ma, I promise, I'm good.

All right, well, listen,

I gotta get to the

motherfucking church anyway.

Go in there and make Mamma proud.

Learn something.

Give Mamma a kiss,

little baby, before I go.

Kiss me, nigga, before I blow...

I love you.

Take care and learn

something today.

Make Mamma proud,

you little b*tch.

Tell your teacher

I said, "Hey."

You got something for me?

Yeah, I got something.

Hold on.

All right.

Roll on,

I got you. I got you.

You don't put that football down,

I'll f*** your ass up.

The Rangers,

those dudes are amazing.

Best dance clique in our school.

And one of them is

actually my older cousin.

Day Day.

I met him at

a family reunion once,

but I don't even think

he remembers my name.

See, man, I'd do anything to

be down with that clique.

Now, that's what it's

about here. Cliques.

Now, they're not gangs,

but it's far from that study-buddy sh*t.

It's more so sororities

and fraternities

without the college education

and social benefits.

Let me explain.

Each school is divided and

segregated into cliques.

Monte Vista is no different.

You got your backpackers,

the nerds,

the vegan,

tree-loving dreadheads.

You got your dirty ghetto

kids aka your hood skaters.

Oh, and that's Stinkfinger.

Across the street,

you'll find the lamest fools

to ever set foot in the hood.

Girl, let me carry

your books for you, girl.

They all dropped out of

school like 10 years ago

but these fools still up

here every single day.

Bunch of old wannabe gangsters

who wanna holler at young chicks

but always fail miserably.

We're not carrying any books.

And if we were,

you wouldn't be able to touch them.

You wanna carry

these balls then, b*tch?

Yeah, put the balls

in your book bag, b*tch.

Told the b*tch

to carry my balls.

Say what?

I said,

"Carry my balls, b*tch."

Come again, say what?

Let's ride out.

I know. That's right.

Then there's the Ese's.

The real gangsters.

Legend has it

if you look one of them

in the eye, you could die.

Where we come from,

blacks and Mexicans

have never gotten along.

It's the ghetto civil war

that defies logic.

It's like vegetarians beefing with vegans.

It's the same sh*t.

See what I did there?

And the most notorious badass

Ese of them all is Big Junior.

A while ago he got sent to prison

for burning down a school dance

'cause he thought some blind guy

was looking at his little sister.

Who just so happens to be

the girl of my dreams.

Anastacia Moreno.

I've been in love with her since we shared

a nap-time towel in the first grade.

I was so nervous,

I pissed on myself,

all over the towel,

all over her.

I sure enough did.

She hasn't looked my way since.

It's probably because we're from

two totally different worlds.

I mean, she's a Sweet Gyrl.

A part of the hottest

female clique

that my school has ever birthed.

Let's take a moment to enjoy.

Man, look at her.

She's the most beautiful

girl I've ever seen.

Wait a minute.

Is she looking at me?

Jason B.B. Jackson.

Oh, this is my shot.

This is my moment.

Seize the opportunity.

Go get 'em, buckaroo.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to introduce

you to the Prairie Puff Man.

The tobacco industry's

propaganda pitchman

that's been killing

kids for years.

I wasn't always super cool.

Till I discovered these.

My mother smokes eight packs

of these death-doobies a day.

And since she's a single parent,

he's the only man I've

ever seen in my house.

Prairie Puff Man is

like my guardian angel.

Don't cheat.

My role model.

Go get 'em, buckaroo.

My nigga, what the f***, bro?

What's that?

Worst moment in the

history of f***ed-up-ness.

Ay! He's so little.

It looks like a dick

but smaller.

That is gross.

Little dude

ain't even circumcised!

What was that, bro?

Why you even looking at this nigga's dick?

This nigga's dick

look like Franklyn.

Hey, bro, pull your pants up.

He's still sitting there

with his pants down.

Hey! Wait up!

Attention! It's 7:45.

Will the student who

lost their prosthetic leg

please hop your ass down here to

the guidance counselor's office.

Hey, guys! Hey, guys!

Wait up.

Yo, how can I be a Ranger?

I know everything about y'all.

I got all your mix-tapes.

I know all your dance moves.

I was even thinking of

getting a Ranger tattoo.

Yo, this nigga is a stalker.

I'll do whatever

it takes, I swear.

Okay, little

piggy-in-the-blanket dick.

You really want

that Ranger life?

Day Day, whip it out.

Memorize it.

Now, if you want to pledge

to be in the illest clique,

you got to get the drawers

off one of the illest chicks.

That's right. Panties.

When you come back with a fresh pair

of Sweet Gyrl panties, you're in.

Uh, can't it be like

a sock or something?

Panties!

Like these.

These are Keisha's

from last night.

She just gave you those?

For sure.

All right,

now here come them sugar drawers.

Take your pick, little dude!

Yo, yo, yo,

snap out of it, Un-Circky!

This Ranger sh*t is real.

South Central wasn't

built in no day.

So can you pull it off or what?

Uh, when am I supposed

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