School for Scoundrels

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lions gate entertainment

Mr. Potter?

Come in, you're late.

I'm sorry.

The, erm, the train.

Punctuality is the politeness of

princes, Mr. Potter always says.

Mr. Potter is just starting his

beginning-of-term speech.

You'll have to wait.

...with which sentiment I'm sure

you will agree.

You all know that

in the beginning,

there were Adam and Eve.

You'll remember that Adam bit

into that apple,

at which moment the first

loser was born.

Yes, the pattern was set,

and the world divided,

not into male and female.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's just a mere superficial

division of minor importance.

No, gentlemen, there is

another division,

another dichotomy,

more basic, more profound.

At that fateful moment,

the world was divided

into winners...

and losers.

Top men...

and underdogs.

In a word, the one-up...

and the one-down.

Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes,

I can see the question

in your hungry eyes.

You want to know

what is Lifemanship.

Well, gentlemen,

Lifemanship is the science of

being one up on your opponents

at all times.

It is the art of making him feel

that somewhere somehow,

he has become less than you,

less desirable, less worthy...

less blessed.

Who then, you ask,

are your opponents?

Everybody, in a word,

who is not you.

And the purpose of your life

must be to be one up on them,

because, and mark this well,

he who is not one up...

is one down.

Come in!

Potter?

Yes.

They sometimes call me,

Mr. Potter, but...

I beg your pardon.

I'm Mr. Henry Palfrey.

Ah! Sit down, Palfrey.

Well? Tell me all about

yourself, Palfrey.

Well, it's like this,

Mr. Potter...

have a cigarette, Palfrey.

Thank you, Potter.

You don't mind my cigar,

do you, Mr. Palfrey?

Not at all, Mr. Potter.

Thank you, Henry. Ha ha!

My round, I think.

What do you mean?

Never mind, we'll talk

about that later.

Now tell me, what first prompted

you to enrol in the college?

Well...

frankly, Mr. Potter,

I'm a failure.

No.

You'll have some tea with me,

won't you, Palfrey?

Thank you very much.

So, you want to be a success.

Well, I think we can help you.

But first, I like to have a

clear picture of the background

of the student.

You're in love, of course.

How did you know?

Thank you, Alice.

Have a muffin, Palfrey.

Thank you.

Blonde?

Erm...

no, with lemon.

The young lady...

is she a blonde?

Oh, I see!

Er, well, not quite.

That could be serious.

Now, let's begin at

the beginning.

How did you first meet this

not quite blonde young lady?

Well, it happened on Tuesday.

Or was it Wednesday?

Yes, Wedn... no, it wasn't,

it was Tuesday.

I was on my way to the office

in the morning as usual.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Of all the stupid, awkward...

Clumsy?

Clumsy idiots. Ooh!

I say, I'm most terribly sorry

sorry? Is that all you've

got to say

when you knocked me down

like a wild...

uncivilised?

Uncivilised.

Savage?

Sava...

No, not really.

Oh, but I am.

Yes, I am permanently

uncivilised, I'm...

Oh!

What's the matter?

My beautiful new stocking's

ruined.

Oh!

I'll probably sue you.

Oh, I do wish you would.

I'm fully insured, you know.

Personal, property,

accident, medical,

all that sort of thing.

Just take your pick.

No, thank you, but it's very

nice of you to offer.

Look, give me those, I'm going

to be late for work.

Under no circumstances.

You're probably shaken

or bruised or something.

The least I can do is to

carry them for you.

But then you'll be

late for work.

Work? Oh, work!

That old thing. Ha ha ha.

Well, you do work,

don't you?

Well, of course, I do,

but they can do

without me for a while.

I'm a... well,

I'm an executive.

Oh!

So, the later

the better, really.

Yes, yes, of course.

I say, are you sure you

don't want to sue me?

Absolutely positive.

Yes, well, erm...

what about the stockings?

I'll let you into a secret.

They weren't new, anyway.

Well, perhaps they had some

sentimental value?

Not really enough to sue for.

Pity, really.

Ha ha ha.

Do you always come

this way to work?

Yes, yes, I do.

Someone's coming.

The most handsome batting...

ok, it's only the boss.

And the lead's now 126...

good morning!

Evan has caught him

most gloriously!

What's the score?

Shhh, I can't hear.

Sorry.

And now all round

the ground...

Miss Stevens!

Miss Wilson! Appleby!

Yes, if times were normal,

you'd all take

a week's notice,

but as times are

regrettably abnormal,

I shall have to content myself

with a severe reprimand

on my return from Mr. Henry's

office.

Meanwhile, back to your desks.

Good morning, sir.

Ah, the very man

I wanted to see.

Would you book a table for me

at the Camellia Room

for tonight for two,

for 9 o'clock?

The Camellia Room, sir?

I'm taking someone to dinner.

Taking or being taken, sir?

Taking.

Your late uncle always used

to say that the best place

for taking was the

Hampshire Buttery, sir.

A very satisfying meal

for seven and sixpence.

Here is the morning's business

sir,

which I had ready on your desk

at 9 o'clock,

but removed to a place of safety

pending your arrival.

Thank you, Gloatbridge.

Are there any decisions,

or are they just signatures?

I think we decided that it

should be just signatures, sir,

since you inadvertently...

yes.

You will remember I feel sure,

sir, just why we decided

it should be just signatures

and not decisions.

Of course.

Yes.

Perhaps these painful memories

are best forgotten, sir.

Hello?

Yes, speaking.

Douglas, old man.

What?

Ha ha ha ha.

Tell me, what time is

the match on Saturday?

Hmm?

I'm not playing?

I must say I'm a

little surprised, yes.

Well, who's in?

Walter?

But good gracious me, I can beat

Walter any day of the week.

It was 6-2, 6-3 last time.

Hmm?

Well, listen, Douglas,

you know I've got absolutely

nothing against Walter,

in fact, he is, well,

he is one of my best friends,

but it's just that I've been

looking forward to the game.

I've made all my arrangements.

Yes, Douglas.

Yes, I appreciate that, but...

yes, Douglas.

Yes, of course.

Goodbye.

Oh, Douglas!

My regards to Walter.

Your morning newspaper, sir.

Hmm? Oh, yes.

And just to start you off,

sir,

number 23 Across is

"castles in Spain".

Oh, erm...

you won't forget that booking,

Gloatbridge?

The Hampshire Buttery,

for two, at 9.

The Camellia Room,

for two, at 9.

Very well, sir.

And number 13 Down is

"Cleopatra's needle".

Good evening, madam.

Good evening, sir.

Good evening, sir.

Good evening.

Madam.

Good evening.

May I take your coat?

Thank you.

Good evening.

There we are.

Shall we go in?

Oh, yes.

Yes?

Palfrey.

Yes?

Table for two.

I'm sorry, no table is free.

Good evening, my lady.

Good evening.

Number 27.

I thought you said

you'd booked.

Yes, I did.

Erm, excuse me, I booked.

Oh?

Erm, Palfrey. Henry Palfrey.

Well, there's no one here

of that name.

Palfrey.

P- a-l-f-r-e-y.

My chief clerk booked it for me.

May I see that list?

If you please, sir.

He must've have booked at

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