School for Scoundrels Page #2

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another restaurant.

Maybe if you gave him something.

Yes, of course.

Erm...

do you think, perhaps, you...

might have another look?

And what did you say

the name was, sir?

Palfrey.

We have a Mr. Poultry, here,

sir, table for two at 9 o'clock.

That's me, Mr. Poultry. Ha ha!

9 o'clock, Henry Poultry.

Unfortunately, sir,

it's now 9:
15,

and tables aren't held

beyond the booked time.

You can wait.

I'll see what I can do for you

of course.

But look!

There's a table over there.

How discerning you are, madam.

But you see, it's that

gentleman's table.

Hail, good innkeeper!

Hello, Sam.

Thank you, sir.

Rose.

Good evening, Mr. Delauney.

Evening, Skinner.

Hello, Ray!

Oh, hello, er...

Palfrey.

Hello, hello, hello.

Where did you find this

lovely creature?

Oh, we met quite by accident,

as a matter of fact.

I was trying to catch a bus

and April was...

well, do the decent thing,

old chap.

Fellow club members

and that sort of thing.

Yes, of course. Mr. Raymond

Delauney, Miss April Smith.

What a romantic name.

"Oh, to be in England

now that April's here."

How do you do?

How do you do?

You two chaps finished

dinner already?

We haven't even started.

We can't get a table.

Oh, fiddle-dl-diddle.

Skinner, my guests.

Certainly, sir.

Now, tell me,

you lovely creature...

oh, Palfrey, look after skinner,

this chap.

Thank you, Mr. Delauney.

N. Oh! I'm so sorry,

I beg your pardo

sir.

Oh, later, later.

We'll order the wine first.

I always feel that the food

should be chosen

to suit the wine rather than

the other way, don't you?

Here you are.

Thank you very much.

Erm... number 93 looks...

that little vineyard

in the Loire Valley,

across the river from Pouilly.

Carcajanette?

That's it.

The '49, of course

only if all the 47's gone.

Very good, sir.

Merci.

Number 93 looked

pretty good to me.

Really?

Carcajanette isn't expensive,

it's an honest little wine,

especially if it's allowed

to breathe for a while,

unless, of course, the grapes

have had too much of the

Dordogne wind in which case

they have a tendency to sulk.

I think you'll like it

I'm sure I will.

And now for the fodder.

Monsieur.

Monsieur.

Ah, splendid.

Shall I order for all of us?

Oh, yes, please do.

Thank you, but I'd like

to see what there is.

Waiter!

What is "tortue nicoise"?

Fried turtle.

The brain of the calf.

The liver of the chicken.

The legs of the frog.

The hoof of the mountain goat

in jelly.

Tomatoes.

Perhaps you had better

order for all of us.

Thank you.

Waiter.

Tell the chef Mr. Delauney

would like to see him.

Oui, monsieur.

I simply gritted my teeth to

hide the excruciating pain

and played the next three sets

on strategy,

determination, and one leg.

How wonderful.

Isn't that wonderful, Henry?

Mm, wonderful.

I play a fair game of tennis

myself, you know.

Oh, do you...?

Oh, yes, I remember once...

yes, he does.

Very fair game.

As a matter of fact,

you can see it for yourself.

Palfrey, why don't you

invite our little lady

to see you play

for the club on Saturday?

Could I?

Erm...

well, the fact is they seem

to have decided...

Oh, yes, I did hear

something about that.

Hard cheese, old boy.

They say Walter has

improved enormously.

Still, there's no reason

why our little lady

shouldn't see you play.

Why don't you and I have a go?

I'm not playing for the club

either... the old leg, you know.

Well, if your leg's still

troubling you...

oh, no, it's really quite all

right for a friendly game.

We mustn't let a minor thing

like that deprive April

the pleasure of seeing

you play, must we?

Just don't tell Sir Humphrey.

My doctor.

Three o'clock?

And you must both

consider yourselves

to be my guests afterwards.

Your guests?

Oh, I insist.

It's only fair seeing that I've

been your guest this evening.

We'll wait for you in the lobby.

Sorry.

My gloves, please.

Thank you.

Yes, erm...

yes, well, er...

thank you very much.

Good night.

Taxi, sir?

Erm, no, no, erm... no, thanks.

I thought you might like to take

a little stroll. Ha ha.

So nice out tonight.

Yes, of course.

I'd like to offer you both

a lift,

but I've only got

a two-seater.

That's the most wonderful car

I ever saw.

The new Bellini 3.6.

I could offer one of you a lift.

No, thanks. We'll walk.

Pity, nice night for a drive,

wind through the hair,

all that sort of thing.

Yes, well, good night, Delauney.

Good night, Mr. Delauney.

It's been so nice meeting you.

The earth shook tonight.

You know, I've often thought of

buying a car, but...

well, then I think,

silly, really.

Buses and undergrounds and...

taxis, erm...

buses, and things.

Yes, I suppose it would be

a bit silly, really.

I say!

I just had a brilliant idea.

Why don't I pick up

our young lady

and drive her to the club

tomorrow?

Save her the bus fare.

That won't be necessary.

you're in the book?

Uh-huh.

2:
30?

Delauney!

Don't mention it old chap,

anytime.

Splendid!

She takes to the eye,

doesn't she?

She certainly does.

May I try the horn?

Certainly.

Dudley, gentleman would like

to try the horn.

The horn? Oh, yes,

certainly, sir.

Yeah,

it should give them

a fair warning.

Ha ha ha!

Beautiful tone, mellow,

more mellow than anything.

I've got a temporary flex

in there.

It's not really wired

for excessive use.

Oh, yes, one of the old-type

exhaustible horn,

runs on the helical friction

principle.

Oh, what's that?

Too complicated to explain.

I mean either you know,

or you don't.

Is she fast?

Is she fast?

Timed around Silverstone,

112.73 miles per hour,

and yours truly at the wheel.

And I drove her from Doncaster

to Newport, Monmouthshire,

in 2 hours 17 minutes. That's

an average of over 70 per.

Oh, but that's impossible.

Not with the four-litre

Swiftmobile,

twin ohc,

you know.

The pioneers of hemispherical

combustion chambers,

these people.

Well, name me one manufacturer

what brought it out previous.

Oh, well, I don't really know.

What year is she?

With this sort of car,

age is really of no account.

Between you and me, she's

a little late for my taste.

If I didn't know the car,

I'd have my doubts.

1922 was a really big year.

Erm, how about spares?

Ha ha ha.

Spares? You never need them,

my man.

Well, is the company

still in existence?

They went out of business

because they were too good.

You'd never find this kind

of quality

in a company that survived

the depression. Never.

Never!

Never!

Well, I was toying with the idea

of buying a new Bellini.

Can't get them into the country,

old boy.

The Bellini's a good motor

if you have Bellini mechanics

around,

but is it worth the hard cash

you have to lay out?

No!

Now, with the old Swiftmobile,

she may lose a few inches

in sheer getaway,

but open her up

on the great west road

and you have that lovely

soothing roar that will...

how can I call it,

that swish of wind,

that beautiful gentle yell

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