School for Scoundrels Page #3

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of the old type of high-point

bevel transmission.

When you drive her,

you know she's there.

I mean, take that gearbox.

You get the coarse rasp

as you change down,

and then the familiar

deep-throated grind

as you move away.

And a real wonder, the brake

snatch adjusted really hard...

not hard, Dunstan, solid.

A really solid drive.

What are you asking for her?

Dirt cheap, a sacrifice, sir.

Can't be repeated.

The property of a maharaja.

The, er, Maharaja of...

Fawzigadore,

nephew of the cricketer.

Erm, what are you

asking for her?

We had new wheels

made to fit all the tyres.

Look at the stuff that's gone

into that, sheer metal.

Yes, but what are you

asking for her?

Well, we're just getting

down to that.

Actually, we're selling it

at a loss.

We spent 750 nicker on her.

Pounds, Dudley.

Pounds.

Oh, but that means...

not necessarily.

We like our cars going to

good homes, like dogs.

So we're prepared to sell at

the ridiculous figure of...

725 pounds.

Oh, I couldn't possibly.

715, making 715 pounds.

I'm sorry.

Ah, you're weakening, you've

fallen in love with her,

like we did at the start,

remember?

Remember? Oh ho ho ho.

Well...

695 guineas and that's

the rock bottom.

All right.

Done.

Start the car up

for the gentleman, Dunstan.

Yep.

Make the check out to bearer

if you don't mind.

And please don't cross it, sir

it confuses our books.

May the 21st.

Hmm? Oh, yes.

There we are.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, sir.

Well, she's all yours.

Here's the logbook

hop in.

Oh, thank you.

Now, there's one point to

remember.

Don't hang on to the gear lever

after you've changed.

She is liable to kick back.

Don't worry about your exhaust

fumes, it's quite normal.

And when you apply

the foot brake,

it is advisable to apply

the handbrake as well.

And the floorboards work

on the pivot principle.

It's liable to give you a star

when you're not used to it.

Oh! Ha ha.

Well, thank you both

very much indeed.

Bon voyage!

See you again!

I say, I'm frightfully sorry

I'm late, April.

Oh, that's all right.

It's very pleasant sitting

out here in the sun.

That's all settled.

Shall we play?

Erm, yes, of course.

Could I drive you home

after the game, April?

Drive?

I have a surprise for you.

You haven't bought a car?

Mm.

Get a move on.

Er, yes, of course.

Erm, would you care to

come down with us?

Mm-hm.

Thank you.

Call.

Rough.

Smooth.

I'll take this end.

No need to change, is there?

All right.

My serve, then.

I'm afraid I am a bit

out of practice.

So am I.

Would you like 15 start

or shall we play level?

Level!

Good luck.

No partisanship, little lady.

Wish Palfrey good luck too.

Aren't you standing rather

close to the net?

No, it's my game.

I move back for the second.

All right.

Hard cheese!

Aren't you going to

move back a bit?

No, I've changed my mind.

Hard cheese! Love-15.

Hard cheese!

Out, but I'll take it.

Hard cheese!

Good shot.

What is it? Love-30.

Didn't deserve it.

Rotten stroke.

Hard cheese!

Oh. Hard cheese!

Love-40.

Service.

Ready.

Out! Hard cheese!

Oh!

So sorry.

Oh, I say,

smashing cricket stroke.

Well, that's... one-love.

Sure you wouldn't like

that handicap?

No!

Were you ready?

Not really.

Ready now?

Right.

Good shot, Henry.

Thank you, April.

Oh! Oh!

Hard cheese!

15-love.

Ready?

Right!

Were you ready?

Did you say yes?

Yes!

30-love.

Pretty spin you put on them.

No, not really.

Court's a bit uneven.

Oh!

My game.

And set.

Sorry to keep you waiting,

dear girl,

but we had to get our friend

Palfrey here patched up a bit.

Ready to go?

Yes, erm, shall we go?

Of course, your new car.

I didn't think you'd

get one so soon, Henry.

Ha ha ha!

What on earth's that?

Looks like

a Polish stomach pump.

Let's go and look at it.

What sort of an idiot would

drive a thing like this?

Yes, what sort of an idiot...

Henry, is this...?

Oh, no, no, of course not.

I wouldn't be fool enough

to buy a car like that.

Well, where is yours?

Er, well, it doesn't appear

to have arrived yet. I...

well, you can't

expect Miss Smith

to hang around

all day, can you?

Oh, I don't mind waiting.

No, no, no, it doesn't matter.

Delauney is quite right.

You mustn't wait.

But, I...

no, no, no, I insist, really.

Splendid!

I know a little place

down in the river

where we might have a swim.

Do you like swimming?

Mmm.

Splendid!

I know a charming little pub

where we might have some

dinner afterwards.

And that's how it happened.

In fact, that's how

everything always happens,

and then I saw your

advertisement.

Well, what you've just

told me amounts to this,

that you find yourself

constantly

in a one-down position

to the world in general,

and to this young female

in particular.

Oh, well, before we go

any further,

I think I ought to mention

the little matter of fees.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Yes, well, these vary,

of course,

according to the needs

of the individual,

rates of progress and so on,

but in all cases,

we ask for a registration fee

of 250 pounds,

paid in advance,

of course.

This fairly substantial sum is

the first psychological process

we bring to bear on the student

to encourage him,

to associate himself with...

with the effort.

It is in fact...

well, it's part of

the treatment.

I see.

Oh, well, erm...

I'd better write you a cheque.

I'm sorry I haven't a pen.

It's all right.

That's a very handsome

one of yours. May I see it?

No, no, no,

when you're finished.

Now, I hope you notice that

I do not stand hovering over you

with a pen ready whenever I want

you to sign a document

in my favour. On the contrary,

I get you to use your own.

Erm, excuse me. Could I?

What?

The pen.

Well?

Could I have it back, please?

Of course.

Sorry.

Ah, you're sorry.

That was lesson number two.

I managed to make you feel

apologetic and somehow mean

by forcing you into a choice

between losing

a valued possession

or indirectly accusing me

of trying to steal it. You see?

I see. Yes.

Good, good.

Well, Mr. Palfrey, I think

you're about ready

to start the course in earnest.

Let me see now.

Yes, you are just in time

for the Partymanship class.

Good afternoon, Palfrey.

Good afternoon.

Oh, erm, thank you for the tea.

Now, one of the basic areas

in which a Lifeman

must put his Lifemanship into

play is the social gathering,

or, as it's sometimes

called, the party.

Sooner or later

during the party,

one person begins to dominate.

That person must be you.

Does anybody know

an amusing story?

I do, sir.

Good.

Well, suppose this were a party,

and suppose that dingle here

has been having rather a success

with his font of

amusing stories.

What would the Lifeman do?

Leave and go to another party.

No, Fleetsnod.

The true Lifeman

would rather die first.

He stops the flow.

To demonstrate...

Dingle, tell us your

amusing story.

Well, there was this chap,

had a bit too much to drink,

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