School for Scoundrels Page #4

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if you know what I mean.

Well, sir,

he finds himself walking home

with one foot on the curb

and one foot on the road.

Looks down and says,

"My word, that's funny.

When I left home this morning,

"they were both

the same length!"

Very good, Dingle.

Most amusing.

Where did I leave my pipe?

Sir!

I'm most terribly sorry.

I'd no idea.

It's quite all right,

Dingle.

You couldn't have known

about this

old war wound of mine,

could you?

No, sir.

Feeling bad, Dingle?

Feel like telling another story,

Dingle?

You see, gentlemen,

the flow has been stopped.

Out!

Now, what's your move?

Did you say in or out, sir?

Well, I thought it was out.

But would you care to

have it again?

No, just in future,

would you kindly state

in a loud and clear voice

whether the ball is in or out?

Hmm, you're getting it, Palfrey.

Now, suppose you are

completely outclassed,

and your one chance is in taking

your opponent's eye off the ball,

and keeping it off.

Go on. Let's see what you do.

Hmm?

Right.

I'm so sorry. Ha ha.

Sweaty hands.

Is it bleeding much?

Let us assume that Proudfoot

here has made a break of 8

and looks as if he is going on

to make 8 more.

Erm, would you mind?

Just a minute.

That's better.

Are they bothering you at all?

Who?

Dingle and Brazier?

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

Shhh.

Bad luck, Proudfoot.

Four to me.

You mean you do your

own cooking?

Oh, yes, and washing-up

and all that.

Well, it's quite fun,

really.

Henry?

Mm-hm?

You have a hole in your sock.

Oh, I'm afraid I'm not

very good at darning yet,

but I'm learning, you know.

Oh, poor Henry!

It's not right for you to do

your own washing and cooking.

I wish I could come

and do it for you.

Oh, I do wish you would.

How would tomorrow evening suit?

That's fine, Mr. Palfrey, fine

you're ready to move on

to the next class.

Thank you, Mrs. Grimmet.

Well, Palfrey, having

used various ploys

with which you are now familiar,

let us imagine that here she is

alone with you in your flat.

Her little heart a-flutter

and a-tremble.

What then is your next move?

Well, we have a

little gadget here,

which we developed in our

early days at Yeovil.

Ah, there it is.

What your follow-through

might be is no concern of mine.

However, it has two serious

disadvantages.

First, it smacks a little

of impatience, hmm?

And secondly, it is by no means

inexpensive.

So, except for our wealthier

and less patient students,

we recommend a subtler

and more economic ploy.

Well, now, I'll try to

give you an example

of what might happen

if luck is on your side.

You offer her a drink, which

we'll assume she accepts.

A reasonable assumption.

So, let's imagine that this

glass is filled to the brim

with some refreshing liquid,

having made sure that the part

she is going to hold it by

has been treated so that it is

very, very slippery indeed.

Why?

Because, Palfrey,

we are hoping for the best of

all possible accidents. Barbara.

Ooh!

Ha ha ha! Palfrey,

your luck is in,

look, it has worked.

The glass has

slipped out of her hand

and she spilt the stuff

all down her dress.

You, of course,

are frightfully upset,

but the main point is that you

cannot let her stand around

with a wet dress on now,

can you, hmm?

No, of course you can't,

so being a gentleman,

you offer her your dressing gown

while her dress is drying,

and that I think places you

quite definitely one up,

if not more.

According to just how much

of a gentleman you are.

Well, Palfrey,

the dressing gown!

Palfrey, the dressing...

Palfrey!

Hmm?

Oh, er, yes, dressing gown.

Well, gentlemen, having

delivered myself of these

qualified congratulations,

I think you are now ready to

move on to the second phase

of our work.

From the theory to the practice

of Lifemanship,

or, as we say here at Yeovil,

to the field trials.

Each of you in turn will now

proceed to the archives room

where you will find

photographic records

of all known anti-Lifemen,

and from these

you will select your opponents,

and, under the guidance

of an instructor,

proceed into the outside world

there to cross swords with them.

Come along, Palfrey,

you first.

It's him, that bloke we sold

the Swiftmobile to.

What? Is he alone?

He's got the car with him.

I say, sir.

Yours?

Yes, yes.

Do you mind if I look inside?

Thanks.

There we are.

How about that

for an engine, eh?

Marvellous job.

He's waving to us.

No, he isn't.

He's shaking his fist.

the, erm...

when you get round

the other side,

look as if you're making me

an offer, will you?

Anything you say.

come and have a look

at the altimeter.

I don't suppose you'd

part with her, eh?

Ah ha ha, no, no, no, no.

I've had so many offers for

this car, I can't tell you.

But I'm not selling.

Do you mind if I, er...?

No, no, no, help yourself,

by all means,

have a good look around.

Good morning, chaps.

Thought I'd bring the old girl

back to show you.

We never guaranteed anything.

No, you can't touch us.

We're insured.

What did you say you got

out of her? 112?

I never said anything.

Dunstan let her out.

He's not good at figures.

I had her up to 115.

What?

On Western Avenue. Easy.

Raced a brand-new Jag all

the way from Northolt to Ealing.

You know, I honestly believe

you chaps don't know

what that car really is.

She's a Swiftmobile 1924.

You really believe that?

Yeah.

I mean you had no idea what it

was you were selling me?

Always collects a crowd,

she does.

She's not a Swiftmobile 1924.

She's one of the

Swiftmobiles, 1925,

a supercharged Ravalli model.

Oh, superficially,

like a run-of-the-mill '24,

I grant you, but, ha ha,

one look at the valve seats...

didn't tell you, Dunstan?

I don't get it.

Will you talk English?

Of course, I had a bit of

trouble with her at first.

You chaps have been trying to

run her on ordinary petrol.

She takes a petrol-meths mixture

like the old Borottis.

And then the multi-hydro nuts on

the brakes were all oiled up

and the special two-way camshaft

was bent.

Ha! No wonder the steering was

all to pieces, ha!

So, I've had her stripped

right down and...

well, now I reckon that car is

practically priceless.

In fact, I've already been

offered almost three times

what I gave for her

by brassy digger.

The racing driver?

He had her on the track at

Silverstone, lapped at 121.7.

I said to Dunstan.

Didn't I, Dunstan?

I said, "I'd like

Mr. Palfrey to have that car,

because he'll know how to handle

her, he'll appreciate her.

Yes, that's right, that's why

we let you have her cheap.

We like our motorcars to go to

good homes, like dogs.

Brassy is coming around here,

as a matter of fact,

to see if you can

try and get him one.

Oh, I told him it was

absolutely useless.

Only 6 of them ever made.

Well, you know him, when he's

set his heart on a thing,

he is prepared to pay...

oh, anything.

Mind you, once you've

driven a car like that,

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