School for Scoundrels

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d d

d When I wake up

in the morning, love d

d And the sunlight hurts

my eyes d

d And something

without warning, love d

d Bears heavy on my mind d

d Then I look at you d

d And the world's all right

with me d

d Just one look at you d

d And I know it's gonna be d

- d A lovely day... d

- d Lovely, day, lovely day d

d Lovely day, lovely day,

lovely day d

d Lovely day, lovely day d

d Lovely day d

- d A lovely day... d

- d Lovely day, lovely day d

d Lovely day d

d Lovely day, lovely day,

lovely day d

d Lovely day, lovely day d

d When the day that lies

ahead of me d

d Seems impossible to face d

d When someone else

instead of me d

d Always seems to know the way d

d Then I look at you d

d And the world's all right

with me d

d Just one look at you d

d And I know it's gonna be... d

Wait, man.

Hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey!

Put the clipboard

down, Serpico.

He's just getting

ready to move that, man.

Oh. Okay, great.

If you could just move it,

that'd be great.

Cool, man, no problem.

Damn, came out

of nowhere.

City make you

wear them shorts?

Yeah, these are regulation-

we have to wear 'em

till December 1.

Between those shorts and

that little-ass truck,

the sh*t's humiliating, man.

It's a living, right?

Man, I'm glad

I seen you when I did.

I can't afford

another ticket.

Ooh, actually, you know,

it's already been processed.

Whatcha talking about?

Well, this clipboard's

a computer.

You see, once I push "send,"

it goes straight to Albany.

It's in the system.

Well, un-send

it, then.

You can't un-send it;

it's too late.

You're not listening.

Now, I'm telling you,

take my sh*t

out the system,

meter maid.

Uh, guys, please...

- I have to get going...

- Get going?!

Where the hell

you think you're going?

You slam the door on me?

Hey, boy, get your ass

out of that box!

I'll start kicking

your ass, boy. What...

Hey, where you going?

Get away.

Turtle One to base,

Turtle One to base, come in.

Hello?

Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

Look at him.

- Don't make me use it, man.

- Use it.

Don't hesitate!

Shoot his ass!

Yo, man!

Man, what the

hell happened?

Sh*t, Lloyd, you hit him.

No, I don't think so.

It must have been

a ricochet.

Hello!

Hello!

Were you hit by a ricochet?

Little ticket man!

Blink twice

if you can hear me!

Man, he ain't hit nowhere.

He's faking, man.

He just fainted.

Aw, man, you okay?

Yes.

I'm sorry, I just...

I get these panic attacks

sometimes, that's all.

Damn!

You can't do this

to me, man. Huh?

I get nervous, you had

my heart going all fast.

- I-I'm sorry, really.

- Yeah.

You know, just... here, let me

pay for your ticket, okay?

Yeah, that's more like it.

Here you go, that's $80-

that should cover it.

I- I mean,

$80 is nice, dude,

it's sweet, but what about

all the mental distress

I just went through?

You got something for that?

Yeah.

What else you got?

Could someone explain to me

how one

of my parking enforcement agents

manages to lose his badge,

his uniform

and his standard-issue

New Balance sneakers.

What could I do, Sarge?

They took everything.

I'm sorry.

I... I was reading through

my employee benefits,

and it says

I'm entitled to meet

with a government counselor.

I'd like to meet

with a counselor.

You're looking at him.

What do you mean?

I'm the assigned counselor

for District 240.

I figure, hey, why not take

the bump on the paycheck.

Besides, I'm redoing

my kitchen.

Oh, um...

Don't worry.

I took the quiz.

I'm certified.

Well...

I feel very, um,

- alone.

- Uh-huh.

And sometimes I get

these panic attacks where I...

Oh, oh.

Hold that. That's good.

Sweetie.

You wouldn't believe

what I'm doing right now.

I'm counseling.

For real!

Yo, Sarge,

check it out, man.

I heard we got a new

dress code around here.

How do I look?

How do I look?!

You look good!

I like that!

- Come on, come on, Rog, let's...

- Look at this guy!

You are a good dancer, bud!

Yeah!

Where are my pants?

Where's my shoes at?

d d

d d

Hi, Roger.

Hey.

So... so, you guys

gonna play some

tennis or something?

Yeah.

Wow, what gave it away?

You should work

for Homeland Security.

Becky.

So, um... I read that letter

that you posted

to the building manager.

Oh, you did?

Yeah. I thought it was great.

Oh, well, thanks.

I mean, really well written.

Aren't you getting your master's

in English?

Yep, I am.

Wow. Looks like you're

well on your way.

Congrats.

Thanks.

Casanova's really pulling

out all the stops today.

Seriously, where should

I throw my panties?

I'm sorry, Roger.

Becky thinks that any guy

that even talks to a girl

- has to be a stalker.

- I don't.

I just think he is.

Aren't you, Roger?

Uh, excuse me.

Where are you going?

This is the

third floor.

Oh, yeah, I know,

but I was...

I forgot something

upstairs.

You guys have a great day.

Hey, Ian.

Oh, hey, Rog.

How you doing?

I'm okay.

Have you seen Wally around?

We're learning

the backstroke today.

Uh... you know what,

you might come on in.

I want to talk to you

about Wally for a second.

What's wrong?

Nothing. Just...

it'll take a sec.

Is everything okay?

Huh? Uh, yeah, yeah.

He's-he's-he's fine,

he's fine. Uh...

Thing is...

he wants a new

big brother.

What?!

You know, I'm sure

he just wants

to play the field

a little.

You know, see what

else is out there.

You know how kids are.

Wow.

Can I at least

talk to him?

Roger, the kid is nine

years old, all right?

His dad just got shot

in the heart, all right?

Don't you think he's

been through enough?

Okay. Well...

are there any other kids?

No. No, man.

This is the third time

this has happened.

I mean, maybe it's time to

stop chasing rainbows, buddy.

All right. Okay.

- Sorry, man.

- No.

Take it easy.

Oh, sorry.

You have to take

your hand off.

Okay, go. Take it. No.

Take your hand off.

Roger, just stand away

for one second.

Okay, the buzzer...

G- Go now.

d d

Hey, Roger!

Hold up, man.

Listen, I know...

Are you... crying?

I'm sorry.

It's not just Wally,

it's... everything.

- He's crying.

- Mac!

It's all right, man,

it's... it's okay, it's...

Uh, yeah. Shh.

All right, man.

Listen...

Okay. Listen.

Listen, man.

I know this guy,

all right?

And he, uh...

he runs this thing.

I think it'd be

a big help for you.

What do you mean?

What kind of thing?

Look, here, just call

this number, all right?

But you didn't

get it from me.

I don't understand.

Look, Roger, I...

I used to be like...

you, you know?

But look at me now, man.

I run this entire place.

I'm dating two

different Asian chicks.

You want things to change?

Call the number and

follow the instructions.

I got to go.

Call it... or burn it.

Hey, Perkins, what the

f*** did I tell you?

Get inside and

get your pudding.

MAN:

Hello.

Hi, I'm calling about...

For new student registration,

please press one.

I- Is this a recording?

Just press it.

Hello?

Just press the damn button,

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