School for Scoundrels Page #2

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you a**hole.

Uh, I think I have

the wrong number. Sorry.

Hello?

Congratulations, you're

already my worst student.

Who gave you this number?

Uh, I have to go.

Hey, relax.

I'm here to help, okay?

Now, who gave you the number?

His name is Ian Winsky.

Do you always rat out

your friends that quickly?

- That says a lot about you.

- I wasn't ratting out...

Would you not interrupt

me for five seconds?

Open your goddamned ears.

I'm sorry.

We got a new class

starting this Tuesday.

Registration is $5,000,

cash only,

in a plain manila envelope.

Be at the Learning Annex

at 8:
00 p. m.

Don't be early, but be on time.

d d

d d

Wait. Wait.

Hold the elevator!

Hold the elev...

Thanks a lot.

You guys going to 402?

Yeah.

Oh, no way!

Me, too!

Name's Walsh.

Nice to meet y...

No talking.

Listen up, 'cause I will not

be repeating this again.

When entering

this building,

you will talk or

speak to no one.

If some a**hole wants to talk about his

goddamn French test,

you tell him to f***

off, understood?

- Understood?

- Yeah. -Yes.

Envelopes.

Manila.

Dr. P specifically

said manila.

This is off-white.

Sorry.

Sorry doesn't

make it manila.

Next time, use

your damn brain.

End of the hall.

What's going on?

I don't know.

Who is this guy?

I hope he's not

our teacher.

Hey, no chitchat!

Oh. Here, sorry.

No, don't be silly-

it's all yours.

I'm fine.

I could totally stand.

Don't be crazy, okay?

I could use the exercise.

I'll find...

Would one of you sit

in the goddamn chair?

Look at the two of you.

I mean, uh, "I could

use the exercise"?

That doesn't even

make any sense.

Sorry.

Well, congratulations.

In a room full of weak men,

you stand alone as the weakest.

Here, sit in my chair.

Come on, sit.

Tell me something-

are you a loser?

I asked you a question-

are... you... a... loser?

Um... yes?

No.

You see, a loser is someone

who tries but fails,

who shoots but misses.

But I got a suspicion

that you don't take

any shots.

Show of hands.

How many of you retards

own a self-help book?

Well, that's your first problem.

You can't help yourself

because yourself sucks.

If you're helping yourself,

that means you're being helped

by a complete a**hole.

So ignore yourself.

Do what I say instead.

Short sleeves,

what was the first thing

you did when you were born?

I- I don't know.

Anybody?

You screamed your asses off

for what you wanted.

And what did you want?

Okay.

The tit.

You wanted a tit,

and you got the tit.

Trouble is, I don't see anyone

in this room who's willing

to scream for anything anymore.

I want the tit!

Well, see? That's better.

That's what I'm talking about.

I like this guy.

Yeah, he seems kind of sweet.

Excuse me, um, s-sir?

Dr. P.

What exactly does

this class teach?

What?

Well, my friend

seemed to imply

that this was more of

a confidence-building...

This is not a goddamn

Tony Robbins seminar.

If you're looking

for Chicken Soup for the Soul,

just get the f***

out of here.

Um, I'm sorry.

Never be sorry.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I mean...

I mean, um...

Never mind.

I have a question.

Uh, my wife says I'm a pushover,

but what if deep down inside

I'm really just a nice guy?

F*** nice.

That's a bunch of dog sh*t.

That's it for today.

I'm sick of looking

at your faces.

Excuse me, um,

will every class run

five minutes and 25...

Wait, please. That...

contains very important mat...

Goodness.

d d

d d

Be a good boy.

All right, I'll be

back in a little bit.

Great. Bye.

Geez, you scared me, Roger.

I'm sorry.

What are you doing,

just hanging out in here?

No, I'm... I was

throwing some stuff out.

I heard someone

coming and...

Penguins, huh? Hmm.

I always saw you more as

a flannel pj's kind of guy.

I have those, too.

I'm kidding.

I know.

But I do have 'em.

Anyway, I, uh, have

to go to work, so...

- Hey, Amanda?

- Yeah?

Can I ask you something?

- Yeah, no worries. What is it?

- Um...

Oh, yeah. Uh, I saw

this awesome documentary

on TV the other night.

It was all about Australia-

you would have loved it.

No way.

Very cool country.

I wish I was from there.

That's nice.

Um...

Yeah.

Was there something else?

Uh... no. I...

Was there something else

you had...

No, you just...

you said-said...

Anyways, uh,

I'll try and get you

a tape of that

documentary. Um...

Great. Yeah.

I have to go, so thanks.

Uh...

Oh, yeah.

Come on, Roger.

I mean, you got to give it

some time at least.

I'm telling you,

this class is going to be

the best thing

you've ever done.

I just don't get it.

I mean, is he for real?

Yeah, he's for real.

He's very real.

Hey, read the sign:

"No eating in the pool. "

Jesus.

Look, I know it seems

weird at first, okay?

I get it, you know?

But you just got

to keep an open mind.

I tried, but I'm not even

sure I understand

what he's teaching,

you know?

Look, I'll make it

real simple for you.

He's teaching you whatever

it is you need to learn.

I don't know.

Maybe this class

just isn't for me.

Oh, Roger.

Look, honestly?

I felt the same way

when I started,

but then, I took a good long,

hard look in the mirror,

and you know what?

I didn't like what I saw.

What's he doing here?

I came to talk to Ian,

Wally, not you.

Don't make this weird, Roger.

It's over between us;

I've moved on.

Well, I've also moved on.

I mean, no offense, but...

my life's been, like, ten times

better ever since you left.

At least.

Yeah, right.

Whatever.

Get over it, a**hole.

I am over it!

Loser.

I hate him.

Wow.

Roger, seriously.

If I were you...

I'd stay in the class.

You need it.

What does it take to be

king of the jungle?

Do you have to be the fastest?

Or the strongest?

No.

Because do you know what the

lion's most powerful weapon is?

It's his roar.

It's that roar

that enables the lion

to take what is rightfully his.

Diego, stop scratching

your nuts.

Sorry.

It's time you guys

got your sh*t together.

I want to see

some goddamn lions!

You see that?

You think a lion asks

for his dinner?

He takes it!

What does he do?

Let me hear you say it.

He takes it.

- Louder!

- He takes it!

Do you think a lion

asks for a promotion?

He takes it!

Does a lion wait

for approval?

He takes it!

Right now, none of

you are worth sh*t,

but starting tonight,

we're going to shed our skin

and become something

entirely new.

Forget your past lives,

gentlemen.

From this point on,

you're all lions.

Your next class

is to begin at any place,

at any time,

so be ready.

I'm not done.

This...

is a beeper.

You will each be given one.

When your beeper goes off,

you will initiate

a confrontation immediately.

If you fail

to follow these simple orders,

you will be expelled,

with no refund.

What?

How will you even know

if we follow the orders?

Yeah. What are we, under

surveillance or something?

Yeah.

Yes.

Now, get the hell

out of here.

The kid's like, 16,

17 years old, you know.

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